A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey Guys,I was involved with someone 3 months ago. We were only seeing each other for about 6 weeks, it was a long distance thing.However, we talked on the phone daily for hours and text'd message in between, etc.We clicked extremely well, and we made each other really happy. I'm early 20's, he's almost 30.I didn't chase him, he was the pursuer. There was several instances that he went out of his way to show how much he wanted this to work.We weren't the same culture. And my family found out about it, I had to end it (He's white/American, I'm European, but my culture usually only marries within their own).We did not sleep with each other (I'm waiting for marriage), but we had made plans for me to visit him, and after the plans got called off he told me he was going to propose the day before I left to go home.We didn't break up because of cheating, or other people, etc. Basically because my family, I told him it wasn't the right time right now.Even though it's been a few months, I still think about him everyday. I'm not obsessed, I do work, and go to school, but he does cross my mind.I know by now he could of met someone else, etc.But I'm just wondering, do you think there's any chance in a few months (he knows I'd be transferring schools come spring and I'd be away from my family) that he might call or send an e-mail?I know this is wishful thinking, I'm not that naive, I do know I probably lost him forever. But I'm curious to know if men have ever contacted their ex's back after a period of time? Maybe you realize the reason you broke up wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time it may have seemed like it. So did you ever try to give it another go, if you thought she was worth it? etc.Out last messages to each other were about how much we liked each other, how much we cared for each other, and how great we thought the other person was, etc.We didn't end on a real bad note.So what do you guys think? Any opinions would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVectra - We exchanged a lot of pics through e-mail. We cammed a few times, but only to verify that it was each other in the pics. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I say he looks good, if I didn't even see a pic?
The point I made about seeing him on the street, was just a phrase, meaning, if anyone had seen the guy, physically he was above average in looks.
We did talk on the PC, but moved to phone.
And on getting over him, he still crossed my mind after a few months, if I was over him, I doubt I would have posted this question. If I was over him, why would I have cared if he called or not.
But as the posters said, it's basically call or *try* to move on. So I'm presuming, as time goes he crosses my mind less and less and that's really it. There is no other option.
On making fantasies more real, I didn't ask for that. I posted my Q, and Lexie, OlderSister, and 1605, brought up some interesting points.
And also, just to let you know - there are people who meet online and in time actually meet in person, and keep it long distance for a bit and then one of them relocates. This is not so much about my Q, but it's 2009, the internet has been around for quite a bit.
These days with networking sites, chat rooms, personals, people these days are meeting online more and more.
So don't be so quick to judge that anything online is a huge fantasy. In a lot of ways it could be, if it's anything purely sexual, or one or both is attached to other people, or if it's really impossible for one of them to relocate, etc.
But if you put two single people together, it didn't start off like a huge romance, just a simple connection with someone that was initially more like a friend.
You realize when you talk to them, similar interests, views, values, same outlook on life and throw in some attraction, some people may think it's worth looking into.
And if it isn't, that's fine - it doesn't work out for whatever reason.
I didn't see it as a huge fantasy. I'd handle whatever my daily responsibilities were, etc and in the evenings or nights, we'd often talk for 5+ hours, and it just went by seemed like minutes.
He wasn't perfect, neither am I.
We both noticed in the short amount of time how much we learned about someone this way versus dating in person, just because the amount of time you can spend with them.
Usually the first few weeks, maybe month, it's everyone playing the game, the whole wait 3 days before calling, or don't asking them out too soon again, don't hit this topic too soon, on best behavior, BS - etc.
This was just plain conversation, looks, anything superficial, can't sustain hours worth of convo.
Point being to talk for that amount of hours, there's something there or it's not.
If I got on the phone with him and it just was BS, or didn't interest me at all, and the convo didn't come as easy as it did, there would of never been a second phone call, same with him.
So if anything, I'm sure there will be people asking Q's based on something that started online, don't be so quick to tag it as fantastical.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): So how would you know how he looks on the street ? Why did you only talk on the phone when you have a pc and the privacy to talk about him here ?Oh great. I just read your latest and you have gotten over him in the last 24 hours. Ok. Great. May i give you a tip on asking questions ?You dont say you havent slept with him yet when you havent even met him.Dont say its ended when it never began.Enjoy your fairytale fantasys but dont drag others in to make them more real for you.Bust your own balloons.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, everyone.
THANK YOU FOR POSTING ON THIS THREAD!
I really took everyone's advice to heart and I appreciate the time you took out to write out your responses.
The only reason I put so much thought into the guy was how much he went out of his way. After it ended, he actually tried to make contacts with some people (some of my culture) in his state who could talk to my family for him. He found them, a few asked him to leave their businesses and another was willing to call on behalf of him.
And what stood out, is this guy wasn't a chaser. He's the kind of guy that doesn't need to chase women. This is not romanticizing him, he's easy on the eyes, anyone seeing him on the street can see this. But it wasn't the reason I fell for him.
Deep down I know the past is the past, and I need to move on, and forget about it, which I'm doing. Honestly, I'm a busy person, relationships and men are not usually my highest priority.
If anything, I miss the convos we had. We learned a lot about each other's lives, past experiences, views in general, etc. And when seeing people in person, it's a couple a dates a week, and maybe a couple of hours of actual talking, versus just a lot of straight communication which is why I think it moved as fast as it did.
Yeah, I wish things ended differently. But at the same time, I guess I need to just put it in the past.
And you're right Lexie, he already would have tried by now.
It doesn't take 3 months to find out if you really need a person in your life or not.
The only reason I thought it might be possible, is I thought he may be waiting till I move from home to try to contact me again.
I think I shook up his life enough (our last phone call he did get emotional), and I can only hope he finds happiness.
Due to still living at home until Jan, I didn't see the point in contacting him now. We'd be right back where we started with my family.
But I guess I need to put it in the past, and keep it there.
Thanks for commenting
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Ask oldersister puts it well.
Let's forget for a moment that you've never met the guy, that you didn't have a real relationship and all that other stuff. You're stuck on him now and you need to deal with this one way or another.
It is absolutely useless asking us on here whether "a guy has ever contacted an a girl from his past back, or if women have ever got an out of the blue phone call from the guy they were interested in from the past." So what if all of us say yes guys do it all the time? Will that make you feel better? Raise your hopes that this guy will call you tomorrow? What if we all said no? Would you be crushed?
It doesn't matter if guys do this or that...this situation is unique to you and asking for general opinions is not going to help you. I think you need to put your foot down and move from this 'limbo' you're in. You want him but don't want to 'chase' him down but you were the one who ended it. See this is where that fantasy comes in. You are hoping that what you two had was so amazing, so out of this world that even though you ended it, he can't get you out of his head and he will come looking for you. That might work in movies but life is different. If this was all true he'd have tracked you down by now.
If you want to get out of this stalemate you need to suck it up and try to find him. You don't want to keep the fantasy and the hope going if there is nothing there. It wil affect how you see other men and it will stop you from giving it a 100% when you meet someone new. It will be hard for a real man to meet the fantasy your mind has created. You might lose out on something really good if you keep this hope alive about this guy.
Fantasies are powerful and I know you're going to say that it wasn't a fantasy. I'm not here to tell you how to feel but you don't know this guy, you have built him up the way you want to and that is why you are so attached to this idea of him.
If I was you, I would track him down so that I can resolve things. You saying that you don't want to track him down shows me that you don't want to let go of the fantasy you have created...Ask oldersister says it perfectly, that for some people fantasy is safer than reality. I think this might be the case here and you're not even conscious of it. You don't want to track him down because you know there is a possibility that he is not who you built him up to be or he will reject you...and dealing with the loss of the what could have been is not something you want to deal with. That is why you're hoping that he feels so strongly about you and will come looking for you.
You can either keep this going in your head, waste your time and allow this to interfere with real relationships, or you can do something about it, find him, see if there is a possibility of something and if not, move on.
Life is short and the last thing you want is to have wasted it dreaming about something that never was and regretting the wasted years later. Either find him and get this over with or forget him and use the time to find someone you can have a real relationship with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it sounds crazy. If I was on your side, I'd say the same thing.I've been reading the Q's on DC, for the last few months and I know people put themselves at times in some really odd-ball situations, this might be one of them.I'm not delusional as it seems, neither of us were. I'm pursuing a medical degree, he's established in his career, etc. We both look attractive enough to actually meet people in-person, neither us expected to meet somebody this way.My question was really aimed at if a guy has ever contacted an a girl from his past back, or if women have ever got an out of the blue phone call from the guy they were interested in from the past.I'm not questioning so much what we had or what the "relationship" was.I've met guys in person as well, and it's just the chemistry isn't the same. I'm smart enough to know, there's other guy's out there, etc. I know we'll both end up meeting other people. He was a great looking guy, had his life together, I doubt he'd be single by now anyway unless it was by choice.Point is though, I'd never chase him down. Part of me feels if I was that great as he said, maybe he'd try to make contact again. I just didn't know what was the likely hood of ever getting to talk to him again.OldSister - YES, I told him that as well. I said we really won't know how we'll get along, or how it'll go when we meet. I understood that, and I did emphasize that to him too. I was very aware of that. I told him, worst case scenario is when we meet, we might just decide to keep it friends.
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female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (21 October 2009):
q1605, I couldn't have said it any better :)
Wow, you haven't even met this guy? Honey, please don't take this the wrong way but you were never in a relationship with this guy. You never met him, never saw him in the flesh, never touched the guy...at most this was an online friendship.
It doesn't matter what he said and how deep it got or whatever else happened on the phone...you were not in a relationship. And the exclusivity talk...I really don't get it...how can you decide on something like this if you've never met someone.
I don't want to come across as mean spirited but you and him were both infatuated with a fantasy of each other. You let your imagination run wild.
If you really can't forget this guy then find a way to get in touch with him and set up a meeting. Don't waste your time living in a fantasy world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention on the "exclusive" talk. Yeah, we had agreed we were after that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605 - No, we were close to meeting. That's when my family found out about it.
Due to cultural reasons, I had to end it.
But literally for those 6 weeks, we talked to each other everyday for hours, we didn't go a day not in touch.
After a couple of weeks in he did bring up on the phone, if we wanted to be exclusive. I told him because of the distance, he can possibly find someone local, and it would be better for him, etc.
He was persistent, he wanted to make it work anyway possible. He told me, he would wait no matter how long it took.
He really did go out on a limb an express himself.
It got deep really quick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): One good thing about a date with an ex. Your garunteed to get some. You know its gonna be good. And the seduction you did on her years ago is still valid if she phoned you first.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Yeah, sometimes we do contact ex'es. But it might be just to give it another try to get into her pants. Your over her, but since you spend some energy, you might as well give it another go.Just a small warning, not all ex'es who contact want you back.But you dumped him. Rules of engagement state that you are the one who contacts him. After all, to contact a girl who dumped you can get dangerously close to stalking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Yes. Ex's can phone up after they have been nearly forgotten. It can spark things off again if the timing is right. Or just to chat. But when most people refer to their ex's they are talking about real world physical relationships. I get the immpression you may not have actually met your ex in real life. I may be wrong. But if the only contact you had was over the phone i wonder if he see's it in the same context as you do. Thats not to say he wont phone you or that you shouldnt phone him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Its hard to say but if you really like him then call him because he might think that you found some one else. I was with a girl for 3 months she then went back to hawaii for a year then moved back to california and called me I thought she forgot about me but didn't .
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female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (21 October 2009):
The way I see this is that the break-up came about because of the circumstances you were in, not him...he didn't dump you. Who knows if he still thinks about you or if he's got someone else.
I can tell that you can't forget him so if I was you I would contact him myself...he's not going to do it since it was you in effect that broke up with him.
Send him a small email, a text or whatever. Say hello, ask how he's doing. His response will give you a better idea whether he's moved on or whether he'd still give you guys a second chance.
One thing to remember he will not come to your door and ask you...you have to go and get what you want. Don't let fear stop you. It will be easier to deal with rejection than with regret. Just do something about it, it's up to you.
Good luck :)
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