A
female
age
36-40,
*roken-hearted87
writes:I told a guy friend i had feelings for him twice in a few months. The 1st time he said he was sick of relationships, he's been sleeping in my bed, and we have done things together and cuddled etc. The 1st time i told him he was distant for a few days then it went back to him sleeping in my bed etc. When we go out he acts like my bf watches me if im talking to another guy. He then told me he cared for me alot So i decided to tell him again. He said he didnt want a gf for a while Now he wants to stay away :( Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (16 February 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey . . Been a little quiet. Ok so i completely got over my feelings for this guy, got so used to not talking to him for well over a month. Then out of the blue i get a messege from him saying he misses me an that he was sorry for the way things turned out. Asked if he could come and hang out, didnt see the harm in it. Was just being a friend when he stopped me mid conversation and kissed me! The shoe is on the other foot now, a relationship isnt what i need right now. I havnt told him this.
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (14 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, it is hard, i tried putting my feelings aside because i really didnt want to lose him totally as a friend. But it made things worse. So i was honest and told him i couldnt and cut all ties. He says he understands and its a shame because im a great friend and a lovely person to be around. I hope i can get back to that at some point without putting my feelings on the cross line. Thank you for your advice. I wont be looking for relationships for a long time 4 times in 3yrs ive had to piece myself back
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 That must be really hard to deal with, sorry to hear he keeps bothering you. The best thing to do is just ignore him, don't give in until you're completely over him, otherwise you'll be right back to where you started. Distract yourself as much as possible. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (13 January 2011):
I'm having a hard time understanding your logic in this situation. You were friends, you started sleeping with him regularly even after he said he didn't want a relationship, and yet that doesn't make you friends with benefits? Sorry to tell you, but that's exactly what 'friends with benefits' is. You don't need to have a discussion for it to be. Like I've already said, the fact that you slept with him in spite of being told what he did and didn't want was the same as saying you were fine with not being in a relationship. If you didn't want to be just fwb, why sleep with him repeatedly in the first place?
His male 'issues' aren't relevant, I'm assuming he wasn't terribly embarrassed by it because you didn't seem to be bothered. At the end of the day, he still came to you for sex every time he stayed over.
Bottom line, he does probably like you as a person, but not enough to pursue a relationship. If it was about more than sex he wouldn't have kept saying 'I don't want a relationship' while continuing to sleep with you. If you give someone the opportunity to take advantage of you, they're going to take advantage of you. I know it's hard to accept, but it's very important you realize there wasn't more to it. You need to realize he wouldn't have backed off at all after you said you had feelings for him if he really wanted you to be his girlfriend.
Honestly, I think you have some severe self-esteem and self-worth issues, and not much self respect. I've seen your situation play out for a lot of women, and usually it's because deep down they think sex is the only thing they have to offer. They feel like giving sex is the only way they can make men like them, but sex can't buy love. You can't win a guy over and convince him to date you by sleeping with him, that does the exact opposite and makes them lose respect for you as a person. It kills any chance you had of being seen as a potential girlfriend.
Hopefully you'll learn from what happened with this guy and approach relationships differently in the future. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (13 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so maybe im being a complete basket case and just need to get over this. I decided not contacting him for a while at least, i deleted his number etc. That didn't even last a day, he's messeging me! Ive told him id find it difficult, he said it was for the best if he backed off. 7 messges from him yesterday. Hi how are you,how you feeling,what are you doing,your quiet,who are you with. He made a point of finding out id been out,wanting to know who with.??!! He's making this so hard for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to xanthic, i meant after a few weeks of him staying over, it went from the comfort of just cuddles to us sharing a bed and it got more and more as weeks went by and we ended up fooling around every time he stayed, it only started of as kissing and erm foreplay and eventually we started sleeping together. AFTER i told him i wasnt prepared to be f.w.b . . .he also had male "issues" i'd have thought something as ebarrasing as that he wouldnt have kept bothering if i was only good for one thing?
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (12 January 2011):
Hold on, so what exactly did you mean by 'we have done things together'?
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get what your saying but its only 3 days since he wanted to cool off. I never told him i wanted to be f.w.b he also said from the off that he didn't mess around with friends as it complicates things. Ive deleted his number until i feel ready to talk to him. Thank you for your opinions
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (12 January 2011):
He was just asking a friendly question, there's no meaning behind it. I honestly think you're the one messing yourself up by overanalyzing everything he does and taking his honesty as a flat rejection. As I said, he did tell you what he wasn't looking for and you pursued him anyway, which made him assume you were fine with being fwb. Most girls looking for more would've walked away at that point. Like another aunt said, he's probably just trying to be friendly and move on. If you can't move on from thinking of him as more than a friend, you'll have to stop talking until you've gotten over the feelings you have for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, foxy7727 +, writes (12 January 2011):
 He was just asking a friendly question. Probibly trying to forget about what happend and go back to normal. And then u got defensive and he prob got mad that u couldn't just say o its nice or I kinda liked it better before. If u can't be just his friend u need to cut ties with this guy. But if u can u need to be that. Just his friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (11 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe then sent a photo of himself after having his hair done asking me what i thought and did i like it!!? I asked what did my opinion matter and he didnt take that too kindly, says he was only asking what i thought. Why would he send photo"s to me if he flatley put me in my place and rejected me?? Its really messing me up now.
...............................
A
female
reader, foxy7727 +, writes (10 January 2011):
ya i would wait about 2 weeks before attempting to text him and when u do talk to him I wouldn't say to much at first just a hello and how r u would be about it. I think hell come around and eventually u will probibly have to let him kno ur okay with just being his friend. So he knows he can be just friends with u.
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (10 January 2011):
He directly told you how he felt about relationships and you let things progress anyway. To him, this would make it seem like you're fine with not being in a relationship, until you told him how you really felt. Even after that, he says he still doesn't want a relationship. You obviously do, that's why he's staying away.
Don't take any jealousy or possessiveness as a sign he cares or wants more, some guys are just territorial with girls they've 'done things' with. It doesn't actually mean anything.
If you really want someone to commit to you, don't let them cross that boundary. Wait until you're exclusively dating if you want a guy to take the relationship seriously.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken-hearted87 +, writes (10 January 2011):
Broken-hearted87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, i really hope your right, another thing he'd said was that i had been good for him, calmed him down, made him feel happy after his split. I know just coz he sleeps over doesnt mean anything, i just enjoyed it for comfort reasons etc. I really hope he doesnt stay away for too long or for good. Do i just leave him full stop no txts/emails or calls until he's ready? I dont want to push him futher away.
...............................
A
female
reader, foxy7727 +, writes (10 January 2011):
It sounds to me ur male friend doesn't know what he wants. But I think its clear on what he doesn't want and that is commitment. He obviously cares for u for he told u this but caring for someone and wanting to be with someone is a big leap. Give him time I'm sure he will come around again but just cause he sleeps n ur bed doesn't mean he wants to commit to a relationship with u. Good luck to you.
...............................
|
