A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I'm sure a million people have been in this situation or something similar, but I've been pretty upset lately to the point of losing significant sleep and having nightmares over this.My girlfriend has lots of "guy friends." The only interaction I am aware of between her and these friends is over facebook. She has several guys who are writing on her wall, calling her cutesy nicknames, saying they miss her, asking about seeing her, etc, etc. When asked about them, she gives the "oh he's just a friend I've known for years" and then gets extremely defensive over it. What really upsets me is that I feel she is seeing these people when I'm not around and covering her tracks. Often she will be unable to see me due to "getting out of work late" and then next thing I know she's "going to the bar with the girls." The next day I'll log onto facebook and see she was tagged in pics with guys with their arms around her, etc, and the tag gets deleated almost immediately. Now she has her pics blocked completely on facebook. I had a talk with her last night asking her if she's really on the same page in the relationship and she got very defensive, accusing me of being paranoid, etc. I simply told her I'm at the point in my life where I want a committed relationship with a solid future, and she told me "obviously that's what she wants or she wouldn't be with me." I did not once accuse her of cheating, but she brought it up and said that she doesn't have enough time to cheat on me ... get that "doesn't have enough time" ... not that she would never dream of cheating one me or anything like that. I'm falling in love hard with this girl, and am at the point where if I find out she's cheating there would be serious heartbreak. I just have that gut feeling, that gut instinct that something is wrong. I don't want to feel this way. I have thought about deleating facebook just so I don't have to see the flirty wall posts from these other guys, but I feel like that would be putting a blanket over the problem. I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts here. Oh, and she's 4 years younger than me and going back to school.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Thanks for your responses everyone.
I did have a talk with her which cleared up some things, but the bottom line is she does get a WHOLE lot of attention from lots of these guys, some of which is very shady. I want to say I completely trust HER but not THEM ... but ... when she's misrepresentative about her behaviour.
I think she truly wants a "grown-up" relationship and "grown-up" life, but still has the younger party days strings attached.
The question I need to ask myself is do I like her enough to be patient, work through this, continue to fall in love, putting myself at risk for a greater injury if it turns out I really couldn't trust her ... or cut my losses and realise its not going to work and end things now in hope for avoiding future heartbreak. At this point in my life, I think she's worth sticking it out with and seeing what happens.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Her behavior sounds really dodgy. You're not being paranoid, you have good reason to be worried.
I can only suggest you describing to her exactly the behavior you're observing that's making you upset, and tell her in no uncertain terms that it needs to change. And right away.
If it doesn't, you need to break up with her to protect yourself, unfortunate as that is
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue  +, writes (12 September 2010):
I can't say if she is cheating or not but she does sound like she has another life...which seems as a valid cause for concern. Even though you talk to her I'm not sure if she will come clean but as I can see you have already tried that. I'm not sure what you can really do from here but if you are this badly falling for her then you might need to do a little more investigation, prolly catch her in the act even. Maybe then you will believe it yourself that she is cheating or generally just not being honest.
Four years younger, going back to school, and obviously has an alternate life? Doesn't sound like the relationship you are looking for dude. I think you have your ideal girl in your head confused with this one...no offense or anything but you might want to consider that there are other fish in the sea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): I would normanlly suggest that you're reading too much into her wall posts but the tagging thing is very suspicious if you ask me. When were those pictures taken? And how old is she? If she's any younger than, say, 25, she's probably not ready for a commitment like you've expressed you wanted from her because thats when all the guys come out of the woodwork, young & old alike. And if there are a dozen good looking guys throwing themselves at you, it's kind of hard to tell them off even if you have a boyfriend. Attention is addictive. And it looks like she getting plenty of it. But if she's closer to 18-19 yrs old- then she is definitely full of shit when she says she's ready to settle down. If she's acting defensive over just being asked who these guys are then she's not fully aware what respect means because she obviously doesn't think it's any of your business. She hasn't grasped the idea of putting herself in your shoes yet. I have been through this type of drama with my own man & in the early days, before I was truly committed to him (and I wasn't ready to give up my other options) I acted the very same way. I blew him off as just being paranoid or controlling, got shitty with him for "not trusting me". But in all reality he was right. These dudes were potentially a threat to our relationship because I was keeping them around for a reason. If she's younger, she might try to say something like, "he's like my big brother". Which she may believe until she realizes they just want to f*ck her, their "little sister". But you said you;ve already fell for her & I'm sure my boyfriend could totally relate to how you're feeling but I would like to point out that we made it through it. It just took a little growing up on my part and also some owning up to my bullshit & getting real about why I had these guys on my friends list. I also agree with you about deleting your page would just give her a free ticket to tramp around the internet without you ever knowing any better. But I don't think facebook is the issue, I know that in my situation, facebook only highlighted my deceptive behavior to my man, but the real problem was my lack of respect for him & my dishonesty about my true feelings. I still feel guilty for treating him like that because I soon grew to love him more than anything & I would have ditched my own mother if she wasn't respecting my relationship with him like these dudes weren't. But another point I'de like to make is- if who ever tagged her, untagged her then blocked them altogether, then they're aware she doesn't want you to see them, which means she has told them how you feel, which to me says she's got no respect for you at all if she's getting her friends in on keeping you in the dark. I didn't even go that far. But good luck.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 September 2010):
 I'm sorry to break it to you, but she's cheating. Or at least, she intends to cheat, and is doing things she knows you would not be comfortable with. And when she goes back to school, she will cheat some more.
If the facebook pictures were old ones that had been there since before you met, that would be nothing to worry about. However, new ones are getting added over the course of your relationship - she is covering things up. Blocking pics is a huge red flag.
You sound like a really nice, trusting, long-term relationship kind of guy. Some girls simply have no compunctions about getting nice guys to buy them stuff, then getting all their sexual satisfaction from assholes on the side.
I know it will hurt to break up now, but it will hurt a million times worse when you either find indisputable evidence that she cheated, or when she passes on some STD she picked up. Break it off now.
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