A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy at the not best place in his life (recent ex-con). I didn't judge him for what he had been through, and thought he was just a normal guy, and the kind of rugged and traditional guy I could see myself with. He was older and seemed so kind. He also never asked me for anything, so I took that as a good sign.So, I found myself worried when this guy, who is older than me (past his 30s), starts telling me that he is really falling for me, and that he could see us together.We end up hooking up and it was amazing! Just amazing!! He starts saying more and more how he is falling for me, then, about 2 weeks ago we were hanging out, and he goes home for a little while, and flakes on our date that night. He then texts me that he is tired of my being worried about him and to lose his number. He goes on to say a bunch of somewhat mean stuff and he was tired of me being so concerned about him (he has some issues and I thought I was being concerned, he thought I was being motherly). So, after a couple of days we end up talking again, and he says he was being a jerk and he apologized and that he really does like me and was just afraid of falling too much in love, etc.So, I thought the past couple of weeks were going good. He even texted me that he loved me (again, I thought this was a bit too soon---we haven't even been dating 3 months and dude has already been married, has kids, etc.). He even went out of his way and did a very super duper kind gesture (some home improvement stuff that totally made me fall for him).Then, yesterday, he says I ask him too many questions and that he was tired of my asking him things about himself and he was tired of me, etc., etc., etc. And to just not contact him. He never had the respect to even call me----except to yell at me to not call him. :(I am feeling bad about being dumped 2x by this guy. I don't understand why, other than he really didn't like me. I doubt he will ever contact me again, and more importantly, I just feel kind of messed up. I feel like I keep getting dumped by guys that some women would never be with to begin with. :(
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female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (3 December 2010):
 You just gave yourself some really great advice. We all end up creating a mess with relationships when we never bother to attempt to educate ourselves or know how to be aware of our behavior and body language before it's too late.I do believe we sometimes attract the same type of person over and over. Not because we are idiots, but because we are so used to dealing with a specific personality type, we don't do well with another. I have heard a number of times from friends to professionals, the similarity can be compared to the blind attraction and "pull" that one might see in a physical abuse type of relationship. Scary isn't it?Best of luck to you. I am sure you will do fine. You have already gained a tremendous amount of inner strength while becoming aware of how mental/personality disorders might affect a relationship at a high level.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPixie, you are amazing!! I really do think the incarceration thing really, really affected him mentally. When we argued the first time, he mentioned that he doesn't need therapy, etc. when I had suggested that it might be good to talk to someone.
He said I sound too clinical...like out of a book. To be honest, I am blue-collar to my core. But I also worked and got an education. Sometimes I have said words and he asked me what they meant. That doesn't bother ME, but I could see him resenting me for it. I don't think I am better than him at all, and I think he is really very smart. I do think that how we speak (our vocabulary) may be different at times.
I am feeling better now. I miss him, or rather, I miss the idea of what I thought we could be----a loving couple, but I also see that dude just really seemed to have so many issues with me. So, I am just not the right person for him. Sigh.
I really feel like my judgment in men is all wrong and I need to be single for a while. I keep meeting men that have some serious issues (no one is perfect, especially me), but I realize that if I worked on myself more, it might make me more attractive to other types of men.
thank you so much for everyone's advice. I sincerely appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (2 December 2010):
Can be hard to gauge whether someone is just indifferent to others feelings, or they don’t have the skills to know the difference. If he was in prison for a fairly long time, there will be more issues he has to now deal with in the everyday world that he did not have to face or be responsible before. There may also be a long history of legal troubles and difficulties and trouble as a child or teenager. These may be the areas that he will not discuss with you, but have made a profound impact upon his life and his behavior and thought patterns. For those who have grown up in trouble, or in a difficult family life, cannot observe how a “normal” relationship is supposed to be like, nor will not see caring among family members, especially what empathy is. They end up blocking themselves off from emotion to avoid having to feel it, or deal with it. It would be rare for them also to comprehend what consideration and simple courtesies are.
I know you really were just trying to be helpful. He may “know” that logically, but certain things that people do or say, can trigger some bad memories (i.e.: the “motherly” comment?). He may just be in the habit of bolting or telling someone else to leave whenever uncomfortable situations come up for him. Easier to flee, than to face some things. The ability to be open and honest may not be something he is capable of, and may or may not ever be. His Jekyll and Hyde behavior may indicate a significant anger management problem too…and it doesn’t take much for some who have been unable to control their anger to just go off…or become violent.
Confusion may be a part of what is going on, but it may also just be his core personality….just as yours may be to question a lot to figure out the problem, or too much so he thinks you are nagging. I wasn’t exactly sure what you meant by the “way you talk”. Did you mean just talk too much, or the pitch of your voice?
Consider he has done you a favor though. You may have been going through this same scenario once or twice a week for a long time….hard to even imagine. Since it seems he has severed the relationship with the last tirade, it may save you from further verbal abuse and wanting to pull your hair out. Know that it wasn’t you specifically that was the problem, but maybe presented more of a problem to him than he was willing to work at. I’m sure over the next few days, you will not only see most of the things that went on in the relationship in a whole new light, but also see there was little or no effort on his part. You may also recognize now when you first began to see red flags in the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOmg! You are so right!
The first time we broke up he complained that I was being too motherly. But, well, he seemed to be having some difficulties etc., and I was just trying to be helpful.
I was pretty sad yesterday, but now, the more I think about it, I realize that the things he said he didn't like about me, are things that are a part of my personality (namely the way I talk or ask questions).
I also agree in that it seems like in just a few hours he could go from being really into me and having feelings for me, to going off on me and telling me that he is done with me. He would also never really reply to any email I sent (i.e., if the email had a question, he would ignore it) when he was upset and would only reply with anger, rather than saying how he really felt.
I told him that I always wanted us to be open and honest with each other, but, it seems like he just wasn't able to talk that way? I don't know.....it just seems like he is confused, and doesn't really care if he hurts someone's feelings. :(
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (2 December 2010):
There are a number of issues that could be triggers to set this guy off. The incarceration alone changes people, but there are probably other things behind that. Do you know how long he was in prison for, and do you know what the charges were? It is difficult to answer some of the behavior without knowing the answers to those two things. He also probably has more of a history of problems or issues than he’s told you, and will be extremely sensitive when you question him about his past, or how he’s feeling, etc. The anger is his way of saying stay out of his business. Remember, it’s a different environment now than it was when he was incarcerated. The need to protect one’s self and never allow other inmates to have knowledge of his personal life is a daily struggle.
It is apparent that he is saying he’s falling for you….and too soon. He may be trying to be in a relationship again to feel normal. He may be the type that can never be alone. Somewhat hard to guess, but stick with your gut feeling on that. If it doesn’t feel right, or at the right time….it’s a red flag.
His issues (which I can probably figure out) are just another thing on the list that causes him to have low self-esteem, may make him feel weak, or unmanly. Your concern would have sounded “motherly” to him and not a subject he may ever feel comfortable discussing with you. That he already disclosed his issues or some of his issues is something he stated once, and that should be enough. Trying to push him into talking about things, will only cause anger or possibly cause a more damaging state of mind.
I’m sorry that he has acted and reacted this way towards you. He may not have the ability to be in a giving and equal relationship, his issues may prevent that. I wouldn’t feel bad or feel it is your fault that he has bolted twice now, and in a selfish way. There is nothing you probably could have done, or not done to make things go differently. A personality disorder, or other disorders, do not allow for rationalizing and normalcy. I wouldn’t contact him again, and if he does try to contact you, you might be better off telling him that you wish him the best in getting on with his life and basically leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Whoa, this guy is a bit passive-agressive! It seems that he has some issues that are beyond anyone but a professional's help. Chalk it up to a learning experience, and be glad you are rid of him. Maybe next time you should start looking for a guy that MOST women would want to be with, instead of settling for one that some women would never be with.
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A
female
reader, 3mma  +, writes (2 December 2010):
Your probably atracted to the "bad boy" type and maybe thats a problem because they are bad. dont feel down pamper yourself your single its great! you can do whatever you want now...hv you got a what if guy, the one you always wondered about go for it! ;D.
This guy is obiously shallow and has deep problems ignore him. no matter what he says dont take him back unless you want to keep getting over him 1000 times.
Your gorgeous live your life!
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