A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids,Need some advice about feeling guilty about family.I fulfilled my lifelong dream to move from a small UK town to London as there were very few jobs in my industry back home and didn’t pay well.When I was in my early and mid 20’s, I was so focused on getting a good job and I was really focused on it. Often sacrificing social and family time to work internships, 2 jobs, etc. I’ve now got a great job, lovely house I rent with my partner, etc and I’m happy. However, my priorities are shifting now I’m comfortable and have built a good life for myself and I’m feeling so guilty about not seeing my family. My parents are both addicts and have been since I was very young. Which meant I leaned on my grandparents and they were like my parents.A couple of my grandparents have passed away in the past few years which has hit me hard - which means the 2 I have left are really grieving. One has just got into a nursing home.It is so so difficult to see them both like this. The one who has gone into a care home says she just wants to pass away. The other is really depressed with grief. I go and visit them to make sure they’re ok and check in and I call them both weekly to catch up for chats. I do as much as I possibly can but I find myself absolutely riddled with grief. I have just visited home and it’s so emotionally draining and I feel so overwhelmed with sadness. I often find it makes me question life for months after thinking ‘what’s the point if we all get to this stage.’ It’s just very scary seeing what could become our reality. And it’s difficult because this really feels isolating. No one I know can empathise because as my grandparents are old, it’s like people feel it’s less painful because it’s expected they will pass away and grieve, etc. But they are so much more to me! I wouldn’t want to move back - sometimes I dream about it as things would be much more relaxing and less stressful than being in the big smoke! But for now it’s not where my heart is.Can anyone please share your stories or give some recommendations as to overcome this guilt i feel? Without my grandparents, I would not be here today. They were my absolute rocks growing up with my parents. And I feel I owe a lot to them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2023): I did the same thing left a small country town for london 26 years ago to be with my partner. Now in those years ive really lived it up in london done it all, travelled etc.
But i lost something during those years and that was my family i felt like i didnt know them anymore hadnt spent enough time with them. i became the odd one out who left them. Although i visited and stayed at times kept in touch it was never enough. Being there constantly living together was missing
Last year my dad died out of the blue and it kills me to say i didnt make it to see him and forever i am tormented for it and guilt consumes me for living my life instead of helping them. i cant get back that time its impossible.
One line you wrote is exactly how i feel everyday. i say to myself whats the point if we all end up like that ?
i have been questioning life since my dads death endlessly.
i cant seem to get past those questions they never go away and before dad died i never questioned anything about life and family.
i since started to learn from religion that the whole point to life is a test. this isnt our real life this is a test how we do in life. Our real life is the new world when we die and the resurrections. i wont go too deep into it but our real life is meant to become gods children
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2023): I feel for you, your background, attitude, lifestyle is very much like my own only I am a fair bit older than you.
You must find a way to be there for your grandparents and be good to them without it ruining or affecting your own life too much - a balance. That way you have the life you deserve and you help them and get rid of your guilt too. It won't be easy and quite honestly asking strangers what to do won't work. Because most will give you practical advice and ignore the emotional thing which is the most important part of it.
One thing - when I wondered what the point was to life when we can end up as a vegetable or husk in comparison to what we were before I decided to take control. I changed my diet, age less, lost a lot of weight, don't drink or smoke, use my brain a great deal so that it does not turn to mush etc.
It does not guarantee it but it gives you far more chance of turning out with a good old age instead of a rotten one.
Every person I've met who is old and struggling has this in common - they were too laid back, did not use their brain, did not exercise or watch their diet. They then gradually deteriorate by getting fat, diabetes and one thing after another which is all caused by their poor choices and lack of responsibility towards themselves. Doctors cannot do a thing about that. And the NHS service is very limited in money anyway so they always do a quick operation or whatever rather than do things the more expensive and long winded way. I know a lot of people who have had operations they now wish they had not agreed to because they are more ill now than before yet they never bothered to research the subject to know more about and make a more informed choice at the time.
If you took your car to the garage and said please save my car - I pour milk in it instead of petrol and now it won't work what do you think the garage mechanic would be able to do to help?
There is another thing here. IF a man had a great career and good income and was talking this way people would tell him to value his career etc. When it is a woman they think she should be happy to give up her career, even if this means no income, which is ridiculous, even if it means she dies of boredom or ends up very resentful and angry, which is ridiculous. Most do not see women as career people, they see them as housewives who have a job at the moment. Don't lose your identity, do not allow others to change what you have achieved and who you are. Your grandparents would rather see you now and then - a happy and fulfilled you who is smiling - than a miserable grim you a lot. And they also do not want to feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2023): I can completely empathise. I also moved to London several years ago from a rur village. Since then both my mum and sister have passed away leaving my dad alone back in East Anglia. I feel guilty all the time. I call him every few days and come back and visit every 6-8 weeks (which I incredibly emotionally draining as it just reminds me of the huge hole in my life). But I also tell myself that I have to live my own life and that there isn't much more I can realistically do. I'm not sure what else to suggest for you - but wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feelings
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