A
female
age
30-35,
*vol Angel
writes:Again, I have another non relationship-related question, but I love the advice, so I figured I'd ask.On october 23rd of 2009, a dear friend passed away from ALS. I saw her for the last time ever on the 3rd of october, My last promise to her was to quit smoking... and I did. for 16 weeks.Lately though, I have been thinking about her alot, and I realized I still feel guilt.For the last 2 weeks before she dies I called her every night. And every night she always asked how she could make the situation easier on me, and every night my answer was the same "don't worry about me, I will be ok. I may hurt, but I will be ok. worry about yourself" our conversations ended with us saying goodbyes and I love you's, and her always using the nickname she dubbed me "chicky" or "chickadee" and every night we did this. Thursday the 22nd, I was pounde by teachers with homework and by the time I finished and realized what time it was, it was too late to call so I vowed to call twice the next day. once after my first class and then our traditional night talk. That morning though, during my first class I got the call that she had passed away a half hour before. The first words out of my mouth were "oh my god I never called last night" and I dwelled on that. I took her death hard, she was like family to me. I felt so guilty that I hadnt called the night before, as if somehow calling would have kept her going.I still feel so guilty to this DAY. and I've been thinking about it to the point lately where I've started smoking again to try and calm myself down. I feel so guilty that I never called the night before she died. Ind I am beating myself up over it STILL to this day.is this normal? I was told it is called "survivors guilt" and Its stil as bad as the first day when I found out she died. I know it wasnt my fault, and yet I feel so guilty that I didnt call that night. I miss her so much still and I dont know how to stop the guilt, and now its even worse cuz I promised her I would quit smoking and I've started again and idk what to do anymore.please help.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (29 January 2010):
Honey, you are asking for help, but this is a decision you need to make inside yourself. Yes you loved your friend, and yes it hurts so very much to lose someone we love. But have you taken it further and somehow convinced yourself on some sub-conscious level that continuing to feel bad is the only way to "prove" how much you loved her? Do you somehow feel that moving on would mean you don't care? Or that suffering more means you loved her more? Because it doesn't.
I know TV and movies love to show us these epic dramatic tragic stories of someone who pined away forevermore... but really, what a sad way to live. It takes a lot more love and light and courage to love life. Give this some thought.
You have to take control of your own mind if you want to move past this. As long as you focus on the negative thoughts you will stay stuck in grief. Try to focus your thoughts more positively. Accept that she won't be at your wedding but focus on the fact that she got to meet my wonderful fiance and she knew that I had found love and that made her happy.
The choice to let go okay. But you are the one who has to make the choice.
A
female
reader, Evol Angel +, writes (26 January 2010):
Evol Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand I shouldn't feel guilty, but the problem is I still do. I've been told by so many people that it is time to "get over it and move on" and I just can't. I miss her every day.
My fiance and I almost called a judge the last day we saw her to marry us, just so she could be there... because that is what we both wanted most... was for her to be there. And it kills me more than anything to know she won't be there.
I don't really know how to handle this right now... and the survivors guilt still kills me...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Please let this go, your friend would NOT want you to feel this way. Loosing a friend is never easy, and it sounds as if you were a good friend till the end.
Your guilt is normal, and odds are good even if you would have called the event would have triggered some guilt for some reason... please don't let this impact you- your friend would be sad over this. Celebrate her life each day with a short happy thought about her- keep her in your heart and when life gets crappy, know that she's right beside you and draw down on that power to keep going. Some angles we can see, others we can't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Dear Angel,,
Yes, you have some survivor's guilt. You need to talk to someone who can help you get through the "guilt" because you didn't call your friend that last night she was alive.
Your not calling had absolutely NO EFFECT on her life ending. Honestly,, Would you feel guilty if you had called that night, and then been told the next morning she had died, and you didn't talk to her before she died that morning ?? Be honest, yes you would have.
Your phone call had no POWER over her life expectancy. SHe didnot call you that night did she ?? She knew and accepted you were unable to call. Remember she was always more concerned for how you would deal with her death??
Another thought.. What if she had died just before you made that "last night phone call" you are so worried about because you didn't call ??? Would you feel guilty then. I bet you would.
There are only 2 times in life when everyone in the world is truly alone.... When they are born and when they die. That will never change. It doesn't matter if it was a phone call or standing right there next to a person when they die. That person is still alone.
Forgive yourself, get some help to work through this time of grief with someone you can truly trust with your emotions and feelings.
Death, like many awful periods of a person's life is NOT something a person "GETS OVER" ! You have got to work through, accept and understand the situation. Not just push it aside and refuse to deal with it, which is what is done when people say "get over it." Completely wrong,, this is something you will have to work through..
wish you all the best Angel. It will get better if you allow it to.
.
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A
female
reader, josephy  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 one of my friend use to say it's life each time someone passed away I hate that i felt like he has no feeling to say that say you are sorry or don't say anything at all but don't say it's life but with time I started to realize it's really just life people come and people leave it happens and no one can stop it, cry if that makes you feel better but never feel guilty for it wasn't by your hand. Don't be sad, be happy that you were part of her life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Who is to say that you not making that last phone call wasn't a good thing? When I'm sick, i don't want to talk to people. If she had taken a turn for the worse, perhaps she was glad of the peace that one night. Perhaps she didn't want you to hear how ill she was, perhaps that would have made her feel worse. Darlin' everything happens for a reason. So if you didn't speak with her that last night, it wasn't meant to be. She was busy talking with the angels that night getting ready to go.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (23 January 2010):
She was sick, you all knew she was going to die. Your phone call wasn't going to keep her alive. That's nonsense. Instead of dwelling on the one call you didn't make, please focus on all the ones you DID make, the friendship you shared and all the good times you had together. You were her friend, you loved her and she knew it. Your friendship made her time here on earth happier and better and she's so grateful that she had you in her life. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't let her down, you didn't have the power to keep her alive. Only God has that power.
Honey... your guilt serves nothing please let it go. What does serve something is you living a good, happy life to the fullest. I lost my best friend in a car accident about 10 years ago. What I think about now is that one day, when I die, she's going to meet me at the pearly gates (or wherever) and she's going to ask me what I've been doing. And I BETTER have some good stories to tell her, or I'll be in big trouble! What am I going to do, go up there and tell her I had all these MORE years than she did, and I spent them feeling guilty and sad and being a big mess? No way.
My friend LOVED to laugh, paint, dance, flirt, travel, explore... and since she can't do that down here anymore guess what? It's my job to do that for both of us.
Go out, buy a ring or a necklace that is symbolic of your friend. Put her spirit it in it then put it on. Then be sure to take her everywhere with you and do all the things she loved to do. This way, she gets to keep living, through you. That's what I did.
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A
male
reader, Sal84  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Dear Evol, Remember your friend wanted to make the situation easier for you. By making it difficult for yourself, you are hurting her as she can still see you from her heavenly abode. Death is not the end. There is another world beyond this world and it has been proven in the past when people who have died have tried to console their families and friends via mediums or autowriting. You should quit smoking immediately and try to lead your life normaly. Just remember your friend in your prayers and pray that her soul reaches the highest realms soon.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Your guilt is normal, I felt guilty for twenty years over something I neglected to do for my father the day before he died.
However, I doubt very much if he would have appreciated the guilt trip I was on.
Google for Kubler Ross's stages of grieving, and have a good read, and then do something for your friend that she would have appreciated when she was still alive, give up smoking ....
Take heart from the fact your feelings are normal, just dont let them take over and control your life, acknowledge and then get on with your life, live it in such a manner your friend would have been proud of
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