A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can a relationship survive one partner's guilt over being unfaithful, and keeping it a secret? Will our relationship be able to grow and survive if I don't tell my partner that I cheated on her and vow to myself to keep it a secret forever and never cheat again? I have just seen my guilt go up and down and have had hard moments with myself... ironically, the closer I get to my partner, the more I remember my guilt. I just don't want to lose her. Is it fair to the two of us to keep it a secret? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I notice a lot of the answers from guys are along the lines of don't tell her, and the girls tend to say they think you should. I'm with that. My bf cheated on me and it was horrible to know but the fact that he told me is the only reason we are still together - had i found out from anyone else i would know i completely couldn't trust him. I accept it was a mistake, a very big and selfish and hurtful one, but if i'd had found out from someone else then i wouldn't be able to believe anything he said anymore. I also feel really angry at the idea of being with someone if they have cheated on you and you don't know - as mentioned it is unfair and your girlfriend should have the opportunity to choose whether to be with you or not. If she wouldn't be with you, it is unfair to have her believe you have always been faithful if you havent.
A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (31 July 2010):
No don't tell her. Zero good will come of it.
If you feel guilty then that's your punishment.
But do check up whether you contracted any STDs - then you would of course have to tell her.
If you feel the need to confess go to any catholic church and check on the noticeboard when they have confessions and tell the priest everything.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 First cardinal rule for men: Deny it, deny it and deny it.
If your socks are ragged, and no one has notice it. ¿Why tell it to the people?.
If you tell her, She will leave you because she will feel you do not love her and you want to hurt her badly.
When a man accepts that he has cheated it means he wants to put an end to any relation with his girlfriend. If he denies it till death (even with all incriminatory evidence)There is a change to keep the girlfriend because women always has the hope that it is just a lie from other women who is trying to stell her man.(They love to feel victory over other woman)
About guilt, do not be so flanders, accept the teaching of the god Homer. You had the fun, you go over it, you make your choice and stayed with your girlfriend. It is like trying a new brand of soap, a new beer, a new restaurant.
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A
male
reader, model101_t800 +, writes (30 July 2010):
 It will be easier to tell your partner that you cheated and share your burden. You will feel good and lighter. But then your partner will have weight on her shoulders. So, basically you will punish her for what you have done.
Another perspective is that you do not tell her and only keep the burden to yourself. Confess in a church and ask for God's forgiveness. Dont make your partner suffer for what you have done. Some may think that it is not good because you are lying to your partner.
Weigh out what your own principals tell you to do. Do not follow someone's advice just because they gave you one (including mine). Listen and follow your own voice.
In time your wound will heal up. Yes, you are wounded too. If you have guilt that means you have realized that you wounded yourself. Let time and patience heal it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2010):
 If you don't come clean it will eat at you. IF she finds out anyways.. you will look even worse then you do right now. Then you won't "just" be a cheat, you will be a cheat & a liar.
Don't you think it's up to her if SHE still wants to be with you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): No it isnt fair and the guilt will always play with you, you have to tell her what you did, its only fair on her. if she loves you enough then you will stay together and build things, honestly you would feel better that you told her, she deserves the truth x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): It's not exactly fair. However, if you say you'll NEVER do it again and was a huge mistake, you're saving her from all the hurt.
It all depends on the person really. I personally, could never keep such a thing a secret from the person I love. Just couldn't. It would in fact push me further away from them, as I'd feel worse and worse and feel as if I didn't deserve them.
If you think you're actually capable living with the guilt and you'll never do it again, then do it.
If it was me, I'd come clean. As you should have known the consequences before doing so.
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