A
male
age
36-40,
*ryingtofigurethisout
writes:Hey I have posted this question before but didn't explain enough so the advice I received wasn't particularly relevant.The problem I seem to have is that I am in a 5 month ongoing relationship- we are both 21 and I have never received head to completion. I have once for 2 minutes- at the time my girlfriend was drunk but stopped because she felt her jaw becoming uncomfortable.The reason my girlfriend has given me is that sometimes her jaw dislocates (happened once laughing, giving head to previous partner, yawning etc.) The only way to correct this is to have an operation. She has told me her mum will not allow her to get the operation... no indication as to when she will or if she intends to at all.Our sex is fairly placid but I'm not seeking a great overhaul. I just keep coming back to the desire to get head.There are a few reasons why this has become a big deal in my eyes and at the same time, I completely accept and understand her fear of dislocating her jaw. However, I give her head a lot because I enjoy it. Before stating she couldn't perform fellatio 4 months into the relationship, she would go to do it and then seemingly stop when I was undressed. She expresses her desire to give me head when she is drunk and has suggested doing it when I'm flaccid to which I declined.I'm quite desperate at the moment (not to get head) but just to understand what I'm supposed to do and what I am supposed to accept- whether I have to just keep suppressing this desire that I know won't go away... the problem is that it is making me question my feelings for her when I get the urge- watching porn etc. Am I being unreasonable? Of course I have not once complained to my partner about it or asked her for head since I believed it was a natural inclination that someone would want to do. However 5 months down the line, it is problematic.
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male
reader, tryingtofigurethisout +, writes (18 July 2009):
tryingtofigurethisout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night I made the grave mistake of telling my girlfriend what I was thinking when she asked me. I stated that I didn't understand how sometimes she says she wants to give me head but doesn't.
She kind of flipped out into defensive mode and acted like I was a massive jerk and said, 'Ok do you want me to give you a blowjob now to see if my jaw dislocates'
Of course at this point I knew I wasn't have a discussion but instead being called an asshole for having a normal healthy desire. She is offering no solution and its not satisfactory to be in a relationship that is not reciprocal when it comes to oral sex. I think a break up is the fairest solution since I want head and she has no intention in getting her jaw fixed. Also talking about it has proved a no go area so anyone reading this, NEVER EVER talk about something that you suspect your girlfriend is uncomfortable with. Talking is the worst advice.
A
male
reader, twistedelm  +, writes (29 May 2009):
Not penetration sex but the other kind? I have met women who told me they did(head) and sober with their husbands. I have met women who told me they would never give head because they felt dirty.(Maybe they have other issues?) To me/ I feel anything (almost)is ok between two people who love each other. Sometimes we have problems to straighten out to make our sex life better but dont give up. There are answers out there for you!
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A
male
reader, tryingtofigurethisout +, writes (28 May 2009):
tryingtofigurethisout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input people. Particularly mytwocents for explaining the judgmental comments. I was hesitant to post and was awaiting them to be honest after reading other people's questions related to this topic.
The baffling thing is that when my girlfriend has been drunk, her desire to give me head suddenly appears; when I picked her up from a club she tried desperately to give me head in the car and when we got home to which I refused (I feel its taking advantage if I'm not drunk). However when sober not a single attempt to do so.
I feel that if I ask my girlfriend to do it I will then pigeon-hole myself as the guy who asks for head and therefore any pleasure and desire for her to do it will diminish and it will only be having to please me. I may instigate a hand-job as it usually happens in foreplay. I like giving head to my partner so much and it is linked to the fact that she has never asked for it and even has a can-live-without-it attitude towards it.
Lastly my girlfriend said us guys have this ability to make girls feel bad for something that isn't their fault. I believe she was referring to her previous partner and to her inability to give head so I feel extremely uncomfortable bringing up the topic in a manner to suggest I really want head.
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A
female
reader, krazykira22 +, writes (28 May 2009):
 Firstly i have a discloating jaw, and have had 8 heart operations so having a op on my jaw hasnt been top on my list of things to do. I can give head perfectly fine and LOVE IT!! I dont think its the jaw thats the issue here, talk to your girlfriend and find out why she only does it when being drunk. But a discolating jaw shouldnt stop you both from both enjoyin sex. Also i have a number of girlfriends including myself who cant take it whole cuz we have small mouths no joke! but this has never stoped me from getting my man to cum. I would just talk to her and see how it goes.. need any other help or further advice on this issue message me and good luck
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A
male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (27 May 2009):
 I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, and I hope I can offer you some balanced advice that you can actually use.
You asked why some posters are so quick to dismiss a man’s needs as selfish. I’ll tell you why. Unfortunately, a number of (mostly female, but also male) posters on this website--and a lot of people in the world, in general--subscribe to the philosophy that pretty much everything a man wants and does is selfish, shallow, and gross (especially if it relates to sex), and everything a girl wants is “her business” and well-intentioned (even if it relates to sex). This is kind of a new thing, and I’d say it’s a product of the self-help, talk-show industry that caters to the impressionable. These types of posters irresponsibly scream at people like you with short, unhelpful judgements (usually ridden with exclamation points) instead of offering the advice you’re asking for. It’s pretty disheartening.
You’re unsatisfied with elements of your relationship. What’s wrong if it’s related to sex? Men tend to find it more important. Some women (and men) don’t understand this, and treat a man’s sexual needs as less important than a woman’s emotional ones. Men and women place higher value on different things. Men value youth, beauty, and sexual energy a lot--whether we want to accept it or not. Most women value things like solvency and charm over sex and good looks. Why do you think you see so many young, hot girls with older, successful gargoyles? He’s getting beauty and she’s getting a strong, successful mate. It works out for both of them.
I know that people wouldn’t be calling a female poster selfish if she was complaining that her boyfriend was broke and unemployed, or saying that she was tired of his awkwardness in social situations. They’d probably call the GUY selfish again. But isn’t she being selfish for pursuing her needs? No. And neither are you. I understand your challenge. It’s really stinks to feel unsatisfied with your girlfriend, but still like her otherwise.
This girl NEEDS to get this surgery. Period. You need to encourage her to deal with this problem. It’s affecting both of you. She needs to take care of it for her OWN sake and for the sake of her relationship with you. That she can’t give you BJs may not seem like a big deal on paper, but in-practice it translates into a totally treatable problem that she’s refusing to deal with. Especially if your relationship is getting serious, it’s a little selfish of her to not think of you, and at least verbally address what her reluctance to do the procedure is doing to your relationship.
What if you didn’t have a job, and that meant you lived like a pauper? You two couldn’t go out ever, you never bought anything for yourself. Then, you refused to get a job because your mom doesn’t want you to work (even though you’re more-than-old-enough to make that decision yourself). You wouldn’t be meeting HER need of having a self-reliant, responsible boyfriend. In that same way, she’s not meeting one of yours. It doesn’t make it less important because it’s about sex. I know getting a job is not the same as getting a surgery, but you can understand what I mean.
In the meantime, you need to work around her inability to meet this need. If she’s an otherwise great girlfriend, you need to TALK TO HER. Let her know that she’s a great girlfriend; that you understand the lack-of-BJs thing, but that it’s really bothering you; and tell her you want to work with the situation. You can tell her that pleasing you can be an added benefit to her getting a surgery that she should be getting anyway.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with you watching some porn to supplement your sexual relationship with your girlfriend, as long as it doens’t get out of control. A little visual stimulation can do wonders for keeping us balanced and satisfied. Maybe she could watch it with you? You can also propose other, non-oral sexual actitivities with her that might serve as good replacements for BJs for now. I don’t know your tastes, but I think you can use your personal imagination.
If you feel unsatisfied in other, additional areas, you should definitely do the right thing and consider moving on. She may not be for you. Either way, I hope this works out for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 I understand she needs to fix her jaw. However, there's no free ride here: there's no "fix your jaw, so you will also be able to perform oral sex".
I don't think this one aspect should be an excuse for watching porn.
I don't think it would be enough for me to leave a partner. But that's me.
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A
male
reader, aunti67 +, writes (27 May 2009):
HIya
You are young and sexually normal man ....I think you need to realise that a girlfriend and wife are two different worlds .....I think you know the answer to this one ...this is important for you I think you should let her go and move on to a woman who can give head easily this will be alot more joyful for you and sex is important its part of who we are and its important to express ourselves and our rights ! Do not feel bad about it at all females are extrememly tough and she will find someone else in time and may or may not resolve her jaw problem but that is not for you to worry about ! Enjoy your life and try to get to know someone first before jumping in the bed it saves alot of time !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Perhaps you could stop encouraging your 'urge' and watch porn that doesn't depict this, that would do your brain some good in forgetting about this.
No one gets everything they want out of a relationship. Try to look at it a different way...what if your girlfriend REALLY wanted a Ferrari and went to the dealership once a week to look at them, touch them, feel them and you couldn't buy this car for her. Should she at this point dump you for someone that can buy that car for her, or STOP going to the dealershipa and try to eventually forget about how great they are?
There are good parts and bad parts in every relationship, is this something that is so important to you that you would like to move on? That is a decision you need to make because forcing this on your girlfriend is unrealistic and surgery for the sake of giving you blowjobs....are you kidding???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I can see your frustration to be honest. Just because it's not her fault, which it clearly isn't, it doesn't mean it's not frustrating for you, thats only natural.I think it would be silly for her to get an operation unless it is really bothering her but there is other stuff you can do.
Maybe you could suggest that she tries doing it and when it starts hurting she could change to a hand job but still keep the end in her mouth and then alternate between blow job and this to give her jaw a rest! My boyfriend takes so long to come through a blow job that i have the aching jaw problem so i do this rather than stop which he says he loves. An alternative is i lie with my head off the end of the bed whilst he moves in and out of my mouth, it can be hard to breath lol, but it is easy of the jaw and he loves the view so worth a try!
I know that if i was her i would want to try to please my boyfriend as he does for me, but if she tries these things and she really can't then that is fair enough, you will just have to accept it and if you love her then you will. Theres loads of other stuff you can do to keep things exciting!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 May 2009):
Yes, you're being unreasonable. It seems the girl has no value for you unless she performs oral. Or, that a girl is valuable only if she does. Wow.
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A
male
reader, tryingtofigurethisout +, writes (27 May 2009):
tryingtofigurethisout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just realised that it sounded as though the surgery is unnecessary and just for giving head.
She needs to get surgery regardless of giving head because the surgery would be fixing her jaw because the first time it dislocated, it made it very vulnerable to dislocating ever since.
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A
male
reader, tryingtofigurethisout +, writes (27 May 2009):
tryingtofigurethisout is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Emilyanswers thank you for your advice. The only thing that makes me apprehensive is that my girlfriend has told me that she enjoys giving blowjobs- therefore her not doing so leads me to think that me asking is a waste of time because she would have done it if she was comfortable.
Why do certain women so quickly dismiss a man's desires as selfish. If you read what I wrote, you would have noticed I have put no pressure on my girlfriend to do anything, so how can me asking for advice outside of her knowledge possibly be selfish. Also love is not surrendering everything you want. It's the way you treat someone that matters and I treat my girlfriend very well.
Also her correcting her jaw is not just for me; she has stated how irritated she is by the fact that it dislocates when she yawns etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Hand job??? HELLO. This girl shouldn't get her jaw corrected just so you get something out of it. You obviously don;t love her, wanting to dump her because of this...it's not like she flat out refuses, she CAN'T.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Accept this! You are being very selfish! This poor girl may dislocate her jaw!!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 May 2009):
Well if she is 21 then what does her mum have to do with whether she has the operation or not?
She could go through the whole thing without even telling her mum?
But ignoring that for now... (since surgery is a pretty risky thing to do just to please you) we shall assume that it's just not going to happen.
I think you feel like you are being a good guy by never telling her how you feel, and you are right to an extent, you shouldn't be going on and nagging her for it. BUT she is not psychic!
Some girls do not like doing it, so they won't just wake up in the mood one day and get the sudden urge to shove a large thing down their throat that spews foul tasting goo after a while.
If you want a bit more oral in the relationship then ask for it. You don't have to get a full blow job all at once.
She could do it for a few minutes as part of foreplay before she gets on top. You keep your hands away from her head and let her know she is in full control and can stop and have sex with you when she starts hurting.
If you do it that way then you can let her know how great it feels and that might give her the hint that she can do it a bit more often and build up to giving the full thing.
As you say though, if you can't live without this then maybe you shouldn't marry her, just have her as a girlfriend till the relationship comes to its natural end.
Good Luck!! xx
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