A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Reading who am I? I walk alone 31th dec. prompted me to write to say how I feel at the moment. I have been married 38 years and blessed with 3 daughters. Sadly my daughter of 35 years died after a very sudden heart problem. The pain of losing her has been unbearable for my husband and I. Our other 2 daughters have been so supportive and one of them said as she was leaving the house last week she hoped her marriage would be as happy as ours. After she left my husband broke down and confessed to an affair that he had with a work colleague 2 years into our marriage. In his words he said it was a short fling of a few weeks not resulting in full sex. He said he soon realised he was on an ego trip and felt flattered as this girl was the office pin up and she actually asked him out. He finished with her and had no contact with her after that. She soon left for another post. When our daughter mentioned our happy marriage it all came back to him at what he had done and made him feel so sick that he cheated on me that he felt he couldnt go on unless he told me. I have to say we have had a very happy marriage, In fact we are soulmates, so to hear this at a time when we are both grieving so badly... I feel its just too much.I just want to put it behind me but I am so angry for him telling me this now. I try to be rational and think am I getting all this mixed up with my grief for my daughter. I know my husband is at his breaking point as we always thought we would go before our children but for it to happen like this is hearbreaking.I love my husband very much and forgive him for what has happened all those years ago .But telling me at this time is just too much. I dont know how I am going to come through this.Janine
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Janine,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter.....please believe that she continues to survive on some level and will NEVER be truly separated from you.
Whilst I do agree that your husband has undoubtedly suffered through his own guilt (and no doubt continues to do so) I feel that to unburden himself at this time and pass the burden to you is extremely selfish of him. Also, to tell you 'she was the office pin up girl' seems like a further kick in the teeth to you, as clearly you are no longer 20 (neither am I) and to make out that is something special or flattering is a real insult after all you have given him. It seems like a denigration of your unique qualities and beauty. I can only imagine what you must be experiencing.
Is counseling for the two of you possible...perhaps someone experienced in grief and relationships? Whether with or without him?
I feel perhaps some time alone to process this all may be helpful , but only you would know that. Is there family or someone you could stay with to allow you some distance while you take this information in?
Please let us know how you go, I will be thinking of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): Your husband feels that in some way his past had something to do with the death of your daughter. Being punished by god if you like.
It's a common thing when something like this happens and you do look for reasons.
We also lost a daughter at the age of four many years ago but I still have guilt feelings. If only this or if only that! These things happen to many more people than you think and it is unreasonable to feel guilty because there is nothing you can do about it.
Forgive you husband, he has obviously carried this guilt for a long time which should prove he loves you and realises what he nearly lost. At a time like this you need each other more than ever.
You never forget but it does get easier. x
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A
male
reader, roadman  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 Keep looking on the bright side of life and what you still have that makes you happy..smile it happened don't be sad about the loss..
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 January 2009):
 I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Being a mother myself, I can not comprehend your pain.
Grief does different things for different people. For some of us it brings us close to our feelings and makes us raw. Your husband has been living with guilt for many years and for him, the only way to get past it was to come clean. I agree the timing is poor. I agree that it was just overwhelming for you to endure one more infliction of pain and emotion.
I believe your husband genuinely feels contrite and is seeking your forgiveness. He didn't tell you to hurt you, he wanted all the cards on the table so that he can feel you are giving him love knowing all the facts. He probably feels like he doesn't deserve your love and right now, that is probably the only thing pulling him forward. For him, he needed to know you would still love him given all the facts because he didn't want to deceive you anymore.
I think if you have a solid marriage that you should find a way to forgive and forget this indescretion. A good marriage and a soulmate is so very hard to find our here. You both need each other to go on with the pain of losing your daugher. I believe in the long run his honesty will make you a stronger couple, much more capable of enduring what lies ahead.
I wish you well and again, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
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