A
female
age
41-50,
*xtiger
writes:The first time I wrote my long, drawnout alcohol-induced (couldn't sleep) description of my problem, it didn't post, so I'm going to give the Clifs Notes version now (just looking for general advice/words of wisdom):*Married, happily, for over 5 years.*Contacted an ex/good friend from college last year - dunno why, maybe because I'd lost weight since college, maybe b/c I had always kept him in my thoughts on what he was up to/if he was OK.*Formed email flirtations with ex and eventually got together with him 3 times in person and it turned physical (but limited) and emotional. He basically wanted to marry me.*He's never been married, age early 30s.*Husband and I were and are still trying to conceive (no kids yet).*Having lots of confusion on why we aren't able to conceive - is God trying to tell me something? Confusion on my marriage in general, even though my husband is great, attractive guy. *Want to make sure we don't conceive if it's a doomed marriage anyway, but still working toward conception. Husband is child of divorce and said he would never go through a divorce if he has children.*I have started seeing a counselor privately because so many of my issues are about not knowing if I'm over the other man (been over a year since the end), and my allure to other men in general (though not acted on). Plus, I told me husband I think we needed more counseling recently; he disagreed.*Ex and I ended it because I told my husband b/c I felt guilty, and then he hacked my computer and found out who it was.*Husband and I moved several states away, thinking I needed a change-so husband got better job (I'd always wanted to move to a new region for fun)*Certain things about the ex I like better than my husband, but overall husband is probably better catch.*Ex seemed certain I was "the one" within weeks; husband it took an ultimatum after 3 years (but he does treat me like a Goddess).*Though I was forbidden to, have periodically contacted the ex since we ended it, and he still feels the same way about me.
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female
reader, txtiger +, writes (29 July 2009):
txtiger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone's advice!I know, my counsellor also said I base a lot of what I think about on fantasy, or as you said, 'fairy tale.' It is probably a case of no matter what I have, I'll always want...different. I do have my head up in the clouds in fantasy a lot of the time, but it was not until I did get re-united with my ex. Now every song I hear is like a soundtrack to my feelings, and my mind goes to my ex and not my husband. I was dumped from being engaged when I was young - and while this isn't quite as hard, I never thought I'd go through anything like this again. My counsellor said maybe I am a person who just feels confined being in a marriage.As for why the ex and I couldn't get it together the first time, we would both be dating another person when the other one wanted to try again (on again/off again). However, when I first met my husband, I said HE was my fantasy man. That ought to be all I need to know!And there are so many things about the ex that in and of themselves should be enough to not get marriage-serious with the guy, even if I was single! Yet, common sense is not prevailing. Well, I did cut off us being friends over Facebook (because my husband joined) and that was our last way of communicating. My mind wanders about all the other prospects out there-whether they be men, or just living downtown in an apt.-that whole cool city single lifestyle. But on the other hand, I and my husband both really want kids and I know he'd be a wonderful father. I am pretty convinced that I always just need a diversion in my life (each year I set a big goal or project and do it) and if we got pregnant, all this other-men stuff would blow over because my life would be settled and I would have bigger things to focus on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): *Though I was forbidden to, have periodically contacted the ex since we ended it, and he still feels the same way about me.
i will not deal with all the other aspect but just this one:
you gave your word to your hb that you have ended your affair.
you both have moved states to get a fresh start
you sneakingly contact the ex, and you continue to do so.
why??
if you just cannot tear yourself from this other man just end the marriage. you have gone back on your word so many times - lies and deceit is what is now commanding you. you have to decide once and for all - husband or the lover? you cannot have both. life is not a fairy tale. i think your hb deserves better than what you have been doing, don't you. what a mess you have created.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Somethings which I want to point out from your question:
'married happily'
'still trying to conceive'
'seeing a counsellor'
'moved several states'
All the above shows hope in your relationship. Don't go after some infatuation you had in school.Just focus on your husband as I think he truly loves you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Its one of those situations where the only person who can make the right decision about things...is you. An uncomfortable and tantalizing situation where you could be leaping out of the frying pan into the fire!!!
For many things in our lives we can try before we buy, we can chop and change until we feel happy...but in relationships, we cannot do this.
You have two choices...
Stay and forget the ex completely, try to work on your marriage as it sounds as if this man really loves you and has demonstrated this. Also the slow approach to the two of you finally getting married has produced a stable marriage. Maybe things just need spicing up a little. Maybe you need to rediscover eachother again. If you leave him, you can most likely never get back!!
The other choice is to leave and go to your ex/lover. Perhaps it will work out but ask yourself why he is willing to break a marriage? Does he have that little respect for it? If he married you, would he have more respect?...after all he's never been married? Also I would be very suspicious of someone who wants to rush in so quickly. Those kinds of unions tend to end as quickly (not all but most) Also, if he was the one...why did you guys not get it together the first time?
I sound biased but thats probably because I am single after divorce and never had a decent man in my life. When you find a good one...you hold onto them. They may not be perfect...but if the main elements are there...the rest can be worked out between you.
Its hard to judge you on such limited information and it seems it can really only be your choice, but think about what will happen if you leave your husband and things don't work out with the ex?...If you do it, be sure, be very sure in fact that he genuinely loves you and can make a life with you. Also find out if he has any debt...and I know a few people who only found this out later and are now in a complete mess.
The best of luck to you sweetie and I hope, whatever you do, that you find happiness.
Aunty Em xxx
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