A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I just need a bit of advice about my girlfriend whom I have been dating for 9 months. She's a great girl and we have very strong physical attraction to each other. We got sexual very early on in the relationship and still enjoying an active sex life, I feel that both of us have strong sex drives and really fulfill each other.My girlfriend is very loving and caring, she clearly shows me how much she adores me and goes out of her way for me often e.g. she sends me and picks me up from work every weekend and cooks for me and is always considerate towards my needs. She gives me wake-up calls to make sure I am not late for work and is very supportive of my work. The thing is that she is much more successful than I am - both in terms of our career and financial situation - and although I don't show it to her sometimes I feel inadequate through what I know is no fault of hers. She is never calculative with me financially and never expects me to pay for more than my half of share whenever we spend on dates. The problem is that I find her a bit too emotionally demanding sometimes, and we have fought often about this. She is the kind that expects a lot of attention and care especially when she is ill (which seems to happen quite a lot, she seems to keep developing one illness after another) and when she doesn't get it she sometimes makes a fuss and accuses me of not caring about her. For example if she texts me that she is ill, she then expects me to call her and bring her to the doctor after I finish work, which sometimes I am too tired to do. She also gets upset if I don't pick up the phone when she calls, even when I am sleeping in the morning. I have tried to do things to show that I care about her but her constant complaining and high expectations really makes me feel pressured and weighs me down sometimes, although she doesn't realise it. She also has a tendency to say harsh words when she is angry - she once compared me to her ex and said he was much more caring than me - which really hurt my feelings and I almost broke up with her. She apologised profusely and said she didn't mean it and begged me to forgive her. So we got back together and after that she seemed to improve but now we have gotten back to having tiffs with each other once every 7-8 days.She has also called me 'selfish' and told me she was 'fed up with me' even when I've been trying to please her and trying to be patient with her.Other than this she has been good to me - very affectionate and caring towards me, has helped me out financially and always willing to please me in the sexual department. She is also in general a good-natured and good-hearted person but it is just her temper, her tendency to say harsh things when she is angry and also her emotional demands - sometimes I think she just needs to look for someone else who can give her the kind of care and attention she needs because I feel like I can't provide it to her - I have tried but it doesn't seem enough. The fighting also upsets me although when we don't fight things do feel pretty great.Please advise.
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female
reader, kitah  +, writes (3 December 2012):
ye people can change i mean if she did change she would most likely keep all her bad comments about your caring side to herself and keep her anger when u do something that makes her think you don't care about her to herself as well which would be great for you because you would not get the grief off her but it would not be great for her keeping it all inside her but if she has a friend she can talk to about your relationship that would help her let out how she feels about your caring side with out upsetting you so much because that's what a lot of girls have a friend to share stuff with their boyfriends don't want to hear or gets them mad or upset when its about them
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): She tried calling me today but I did not feel like talking so I did not answer her calls and later I texted her to say I need time to think about the relationship and she just replied "ok, i understand, and am sorry again. Love you." I don't intend to contact her for a few days.
I am contemplating from our talk whether I should stay or leave....my heart is sad thinking that I may lose her but I don't know whether we can work out this incompatibility, especially in my view I have tried hard to be more caring. She says she will try to change but can people really change???
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 November 2012):
I dont mind the temper so much, but the emotionally needy thing gets REALLY old REALLY fast. Work and life is tough enough - you dont need to come home every night to be drained of the little remaining energy you have left by dealing with meaningless emotional shrapnel.
Being around my fiancee recharges me. If she drained me, I wouldnt be with her for very long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): Thanks all for your opinions. It has really helped. Today my gf and I had a little talk and I told her I was tired of all the arguments and that I have hurt feelings when I think about all the harsh things she has said, particularly about her comparing me to her ex. She cried a little bit and apologised and promised to try and control her temper in the future and said she realises that she needs to change that bad side of her.
I told her that that's what she keeps doing - apologising but yet she is likely to keep repeating the same pattern again the next time something I do or don't do makes her angry. She asked if I was leaving her and I said 'maybe, I'm thinking about it.'
Later on we talked about the part of her wanting too much attention and initially she was calm then she got more agitated and she told me that sometimes she felt that I was uncaring and said "I told you my bladder was hurting and I was feeling scared. But you didn't even bother to call to check that I'm ok! Is it so hard to just call to check on me? What if I had had appendicitis and it had burst? I would have probably died and you wouldn't even know." Then she starting crying again . She then said "do you know how hurt I feel when i text you "I do love you so" and your answer is just "thanks"? It's like it's all just one-sided!" I got angry at this point because even though I am not expressive with words I do show her I love her by hugging her, kissing her and holding her hands whenever we are out. Why is that not enough?
Anyway I got frustrated with her and told her I wanted to go home and she started crying harder and said "please stay, please don't leave me tonight". Anyway seeing her that way just made me feel like I needed some space, so I just hugged her and said we'll talk later and I left. No contact since. Should I go on a break with her? Doesn't it sound like we are just incompatible? I am just tired with all the drama. It's just not fun anymore.
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A
female
reader, kitah +, writes (29 November 2012):
I think u can sort it out if u just sit and talk to her about everything
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Although sites like these are very helpful in venting, orienting your further action and directing your thoughts, ultimately it is completely up to you. Personally, from what you've written, I gather that your girlfriend, while wonderful in many ways, is a little insecure with herself.The instances when her exes give her gifts and presents, and the fact that she openly and excitedly tell you about them, most likely is her asking for attention from you. It's probably not her trying to make you jealous but rather her telling you that other people pay attention to her, and she expects the same from you, in a sense. It is silly, I admit, but it's a way of her strengthening her self-esteem in a sense.Does she have any close girlfriends? Or any close friends for that matter? Sometimes, when we get involved in a relationship we begin to neglect others around us, and ultimately are left with just our partner as our best friend, and the only person to turn to when things get hard. Is this what happened to her? In case like this, it's very common for a woman to feel her self-esteem weakening, if she just has her boyfriend and nobody else really.In a way, I sympathise with her, because I was in a similar situation about a year ago. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I weeded out many girlfriends that I used to associate with, partly because their company didn't really make me feel good about myself (I realized that they were very self-absorbed and judgmental if people weren't as financially and socially as "high" as them). They just weren't my kind of people. I'm very happy I made the decision to cut contact with them. I kept 3 close girlfriends, who I can talk to, vent to, and seek support from at any time of need. But last year, I felt I didn't have "enough" in my life. In part, it was selfish, because everything in my life was good. My family was in good health, I had a wonderful man in my life, and everything was good. But sometimes there are phases in our lives that we go through, and we feel inadequate, our self-esteem drops, and our confidence greatly diminishes. This is when we seek comfort, attention, and TLC from our loved ones.I have a feeling this is what's happening to your girlfriend. Perhaps she is going through one of these phases, when she needs reassurance and help with her confidence.What happened to me is, I talked to my boyfriend about it. I actually got together with him one evening and we sat in his car, and I just poured out my heart to him. I told him that I feel very insecure, that I feel that I lost my independence somewhere along the road, and that I feel very bad about myself. I told him I needed support from him and understanding while I deal with this.I am very open about my feelings, and even though that conversation wasn't easy, because I actually felt embarassed for feeling like this, I felt I needed to share. Our partners in our lives are not just our partners or lovers - they are our best friends; out other half. They should know what's going on in our hearts and in our heads.Some people are not as open as me, and some, as in the cse of your girlfriend, just need the extra support and reassurance to open up.One other thing that could be decreasing her self-esteem, is perhaps she is unsure of the future of your relationship? Maybe she wants the relationship to progress, and wants to move further, but she does not see the same from you?Sit down with her, don't be afraid - she is your partner and you care about her. Tell her that you care, and ask her to talk to you. Tell her you suspect that she is losing her self-esteem, and ask her how you can help her in increasing it. Once you put this on the table, if you have good communication, I guarantee that she will talk to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Ok, I agree that she is a good catch - she is attractive, kind, caring and all that, which is why I feel bad for not being able to make her happy because sometimes the things which she makes a big deal about are really petty things to me and I can't see why it should matter so much to her. For example, when she texted me saying she was ill, she was so upset with me for not calling her and offering to take her to the doctor after i finish work. I don't see why she can't go on her own or with her friends especially since she knows I work till pretty late at night. Isn't that too demanding? She ended up being sore and snappy about it for one entire day. I really wish she would be more independent and chill.
Another example is when she texts me mushy stuff e.g. compliments me and says how much she loves and misses me (i admit she doesn't do this often, once in a while) and when I reply 'thanks', she finds those replies really inadequate and gets upset that I don't reply with something better or sweeter. It's frustrating as I feel I don't know how to please her. I am not one who is good with words and I already told her that. Communicating about emotions is not something that comes naturally for me.
Do you feel this is a serious compatibility issue and is it possible to work things out? We come from very different backgrounds and we've realised this from the start, but in the beginning i think the amazing physical attraction brought us together. I don't want to break up with her but what if we are just not right for each other? I just feel so confused and really need advice. Please help. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 This woman is miserable bc u fail to stay calm n wear the pants. Bust her balls when she gets upset n complains vs losing it. She will see who is boss and know her place. Granted u should help her as much as u can when shes ill she shouldnt hold anything against u for things u cant do. Reciprocation is important so tell her youll show her in other ways. Thats compromising. Bottom line man up n stay calm n dont get fussy when she does women love a man in control of his emotions cause it shows masculinity which they greatly respect so in turn they shut up n listen. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kitah +, writes (29 November 2012):
Erm right if I was u I would let her know that her exes don't bother you cause if a girl knows something isn't bothering a boy they tend to give up on tryna make boys jealous , it might b she thinks u will give her more attention If u think u need to fight her exes off also of shes ringing up feeling depressed u should really talk about her going the doctors or something just tell her ur a lil worried about how she is lately
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Thanks for all the advice. I suppose I should talk to her about it, I have to admit that I have not sat her down to properly talk to her about this. When things are good we talk a lot and laugh a lot with each other and everything feels naturally nice so I don't want to spoil it by raising these issues. I just want to add that the helping out financially part involved me having to borrow a sum of money from her when I was having difficulties with debt in the beginning of our relationship. She lent the money to me which I am now paying back in instalments every month to her. She is much better off than me financially and it does sometimes make me feel inadequate - like somehow it makes us less 'right' together. As I mentioned materially she is very independent it is only emotionally that she can get needy and clingy. There was once when she called me whilst I was working during the weekend complaining and crying because she feels 'lonely' and 'depressed' and can't exactly tell me what's the problem. Is it really hormonal and what should I do about it? Another point I didn't mention earlier is that she has a tendency to try and make me jealous - she has 2 exes which she is still in touch with and both seem to still be interested in her - they've sent her text messages and even gifts and she always makes sure I know about them - according to her she wants to be honest and make sure there's no secrets between us but from the way she does it it is very clear that she is trying to test me and see if I get jealous - is it because she is insecure or just immaturity on her part? She is obviously still very attractive at the age of 33 but I can't say her behaviour is very mature sometimes. Too much drama and I get tired. I do love her but a part of me is starting to doubt whether she is 'the one' because I would really prefer her being more 'chill' and 'relaxed' rather than emotional. Please help. Any further thoughts?
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A
female
reader, kitah +, writes (28 November 2012):
Girls can be very hormonal and emotional at times which I understand that at times its hard for boys to get that about girls cause we do tend to get upset nd emotional over little things easily , you should talk to her about how u feel about the way shes acting and see if it improves and explain that u can't always be there at her demand 24/7 and that u do love nd care for her , also the way a womans body is with a womans time of month can affect there emotions so u should try chat about that cause there are things from drs that can help
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A
female
reader, Meg5180  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 I would have to say finding someone that you are compatible with and that meets your sexual needs is a rare find, however, her anger and issues with attention need to be addressed. She obviously feels that you are not giving her enough attention. Remember men think differently then women. What you might feel is a fair amount of attention may not be cutting it for her. I would try going that extra mile and see if things get better. After all, sometimes doing something more for her (even if your tired) will go miles in the points department. As for the financial part, if she is helping you financially then you should feel a bit bad. Once this behavior starts, it's gonna continue. If you want to feel more financially strong you should stop taking from her and work on being independant. If it's not that much of a worry for you, and you both are ok with it, then it's not worth ruining a good relationship for. Sounds like with a few tweeks, you will have a great relationship. make sure to talk about things, big key to working through issues! Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): right, she does seem like a nice girl and it would be a shame to break up with her, wouldn't it??? talk to her, tell her that it really gets to you, you feel bad and low about yourself, tell her to stop this in a firm voice, also tell her that if she doesn't stop this, you'll have no option but to go on a break with her even though you love her very much. when she's ill give her a box of chocolates. you must remember that her past could have had a damage on her temper or behaviour. as a child she could have been abused, bullied etc. she might have brought this temper on through who ever used to cause her unhappiness, she might think that because she doesn't do what the person who caused unhappiness did she thinks she isn't as bad, or better that that person. talk to her a bit. most of the time whatever someone tells someone something bad, deep down they know that they are what they call others. YOU are not selfish. some women naturally have a temper, that is hard to control. i know i do, and i cant help being mean when someone offends me, embarresses me, annoys me, or tries to act smarter, or sometimes, when im ill i hate being pampered like a child. good luck
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