A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Having read a lot of problems and related advice, I was wondering on what you guys make of this:I met my current bf through a social app on fb. We've been together since Christmas (but chatted for a couple of months before). I have been completely honest and wear my heart on my sleeve - secrets and lies have no place in my life. He knows I have trust issues, I'm hard work and a very complicated person. We had a row back in May and like many ladies on here, told him that I couldn't be in a relationship in the heat of the moment. We were both spending time apart over the weekend that the row occurred. Anyways, after a few hours, I text him to aplologise and from the Saturday to the Monday, we were in constant contact - he told me that he loved me very much and couldn't wait to see me. By the Tuesday I was back in his arms. However, a lot of texts since then have been coming through on his phone from girls that he's never mentioned before. This prompted my paranoia to kick in and I made the biggest mistake and checked his phone. Text wise there wasn't anything incriminating. God knows why I decided to look at his photo album. There were 3 extremely graphic pictures of some woman's vagina and anus with various sex toys rammed up there and 2 further pictures of another woman with her wares on offer. These 2 woman were on his facebook friends. The photographs were sent in hours of our row and over the weekend when he was telling me he loves me.I confronted him and admitted looking at his phone and apologised but I also wanted to know why these pictures had been sent and purposely saved. I got told 'I forgot about them' and it got turned around to it being my fault for looking at the phone. It took 4 hours of shouting (and in fairness I did swing a punch and it did land in his face)...he said he was drunk in the pub and the guys he was with were egging him on to see what they could get this woman to do and how far they could push it. He said he told her that he was single and she suggested they meet. Moreover, the text photos were sent between the hours of 9-5 over the course of the weekend when he most certainly was not in the pub (there were other pics he had taken himself where he's blatantly up the side of a mountain). I'm so angry I really don't know what to do. Hes apologised for saving them but takes it back with the 'we were on a break' routine - both these woman have been removed from his phone and no longer on his facebook. The thought that he was instigating the photographs is eating me up. I have low self esteem and currently receiving therapy - what would you advise???,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): I'm inclined to agree with the other anonymous female. Women generally don't send out intimate photos of themselves to some guy they've only known a couple of days. It's more likely that his 'friendship' with these women pre-dates the argument.
Many couples fight and break up in the heat of the moment. Anyone who really wants to reconcile isn't interested in looking elsewhere. They won't jeopardize their chances and they'll hang on and hang on until there is absolutely no hope of getting back together. Your ex didn't waste any time amusing himself with other women.
And I'm not buying this 'men don't handle drama and break ups well' business (no offense meant AuntyEm, but I do not agree with you there at all). First of all men create just as much drama as women do so I'd say they were just as capable of handling it. And secondly, it's a pretty bad sign of the times if our expectations of men are so low that we should just overlook this kind of behaviour.
Even if his tale were true, his behaviour is still reprehensible. Regardless of what kind of women they were, he would string them along for the entertainment of his friends, then toss them aside like trash. And he thinks this conduct will somehow redeem him in your eyes. That you'd be impressed enough by his ill treatment of others to take him back.
There are many men out there who would never have acted the way he did. Give yourself a chance to meet one. Toss this one back into the sea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): It seems odd that after your apology that he would be out whoring around the entire weekend knowing you apologized and chatting you up the whole time while he was doing what he was doing. I don't know what your fight was about but its more ocmmon than not how guys will pick fights so they'll have an excuse to cheat and not feel too badly about it. Was the fight about him not spending time with you that weekend?
Lots of texts from other girls coming through on his phone doesn't happen as the result of a couple day break from a relationship. I really doubt he is someone you can trust and he didn't have to be in a pub to pick up girls. These are girls he most likely keeps regular contact with. His story doesn't add up at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): You punched him? That is called abuse and there is never an excuse for it. If I were him I would be calling the police and laying charges and getting a restraining order. No wonder he is looking at other women.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Men do not handle arguments and break up drama well, they are more likely to go out and do stupid stuff when there is a crisis going on because they are deep down very very insecure and they need instant validation that they are still desirable (especially when they have been dumped)
You told him you didn't want to be in a relationship (ok you didnt mean it)but it looks like he went out and did stupid stuff...and you caught him out!!
Seeing as the women were a little 'slutty' and he has now deleted them, I would let it go and try to get your relationship back on track.
He may have lied when the photos were taken but all men lie...and they lie a lot but they don't usually intend to hurt, they just say stuff to wriggle off the hook and usually it's a little dumb (cos guys dont really care if they get caught in a lie)
You have major issues with trust, it's fine to admit that but really if those issues are overpowering, it isn't up to your boyfriend to 'fix' those issues...it's up to you to rationalise how you process events.
You have to ask yourself 'Do I want my relationship to end because of what has happened'
'Do I have enough evidence to suggest my boyfriend is cheating on me or was it just a couple of stupid photos?'
'Can I forgive my boyfriend and move on without ever bringing it up again because I know that will cause more arguments?'
Take control, decide what you want to happen, decide if you want to resolve this or quit and move on.
Playing mind games, expecting him to beg for forgiveness and kiss your arse probably isn't going to happen. You said yourself, you are complicated and hard work. Getting all demanding and violent and bringing up everything is just going to make him rethink why he is with you.e did stupid stuff but he says he still loves you...focus on that...because it's positive and he has never given you reason to doubt before.
Play smart. Assume nothing and give him the benefit of the doubt, steer things back to a happy place and see how it goes. If you still suspect something is going on then end things...it's that simple.
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