A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am writing this to get help in terms of my job. I work as a nanny. I have worked in the field for 10 years. I don't expect any job to be perfect. I have had positions that involved a difficult parent, but have always been able to work out a good relationship with my employers and they have been happy with the care I have provided for their children. In fact, I have kept in touch with former employers and have even watched their children for date nights etc. I started a new job 4 months ago. The baby girl is adorable. She was only 2onths, when I started. The parents are first time parry and are doing a really good job navigating, this new territory of parenthood. The issue is the maternal grandmother. She is staying to help. She is from another country, but her English is not bad. The thing is that she acts, like she is the Mother. She thinks I do everything wrong. She also thinks all the parents decisions are wrong and she knows better. She takes the baby away from everyone,who is trying to put her dy for a nap etc. I have had weeks where I haven't even fed the baby a bottle or even held her. She will let me take care of the baby, when she has something else to do or if she has a dirty diaper. She talks to the Mother about me in her native language. The Mom doesn't seem to care. The Dad knows, how she is and just puts up with it. So basically I am there to clean bottles and do the babies laundry. If she was am employee, like me I can say something, but it is my bosses Mom, so I feel that I cannot say anything. She knows that and has even brought me to tears. I could tell she enjoyed it. I am nice to her, but it is very difficult. I had the opportunity to take care of the baby for a few days, when she was sick and quarantined herself, in an upstairs bedroom. I was able to get the baby on a schedule, fed her, had multiple play times and was able to get her down for a nap without any fuss. My was at work and Dad was home and seemed very pleased. I asked if he told her she said no, but was unhappy about some minor issue. I thought I had done a good job. I apologized to the Dad for nothing really. He told me they were still figuring things out.There is a huge lack of communication between them. The Grandma is supposed to leave in February, but don't believe it. She took care of her first Grandchild for the first year. Even if she does, she plans on coming back and staying for the entire summer. I have had great relationships will all the Grandparents, of the other families, I have worked for. They have all appreciated me and thanked me. I have no intention in taking the Grandparents place. I have never come across a more insecure and threatened 70 year old, in my life.vI have even bent over backwards bring nice to her and she continues to be rude and belittle me. She is like a bully. I have even doubted my skill set, which I have never done before, but if you are constantly being corrected or told the same thing over and over again, it's hard. She even re-folds the laundry. I can get a new job in a few weeks. I can find a better fit without all the headaches. I have discussed this with a few friends and some think I should talk to the parents, but it would be like an attack on the Grandma and wouldn't be surprised,I would be fired or I would have to work in an even worse situation, while job hunting. I have to do what is best for me and start looking, for a job again. I know I can find a job, that is a better fit for me, where I am really needed and part of a well working team and not in a team where I am basically, an assistant to the Grandma, a role as a bystander on the bench, do to speak. Looking for any advice or ideas, would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2023): I have learned the hard way that it is best to move on ASAP and NOT OFFER A FULL EXPLANATION AS TO WHY.
In the past I was a 'people pleaser' and I still have to work hard not to fall into this role, which can be very dangerous for your own health and wellbeing; I tended to over-empathise and bend over backwards to try to please others because all I wanted was good relationships and a sense of peace and transparency between us - whether this was work colleagues, family or friends.
The problem was that I would put all my own needs and feelings to one side until things became really bad and, when I couldn't handle it anymore, I would then very gently and calmly try to explain to the other person why their behaviour was upsetting or preventing me from doing the best job that I could. I found that, time and time and time again, all that happened was that either the person immediately went on the attack and accused me of anything they could think of to deflect from their own horrible behaviour OR they would seem to take on board what I said but find passive aggressive ways to undermine me for ever after OR they would do a combination of both of these things AND then badmouth me to other people - the last one is the most dangerous because it can absolutely RUIN your career and, if it's a situation involving friendships, it can make it extremely difficult to make new friends.
The situation you describe sounds very much like the kind of situation I would find myself in - people pleasing, trying to flex around extremely difficult situations and being afraid of asserting myself. In my case, part of the fear of asserting myself was that I had experienced a very toxic original family, who never genuinely respected or loved me and basically used me as a caretaker in different kinds of ways, for their needs and would reject me if I showed any need at all. I became a single parent after divorcing very young, and had no help from anyone, so when I was treated badly by friends or at work, I was terrified of speaking up in case I lost the few (awful) friends I had or the (awful) job I had, because I could not afford emotionally or financially to put my daughter's welfare at risk - she only had me, so I basically went through hell for years to provide stability for her.
In your case, from what you write, you do not have dependent children of your own and you are very well qualified and experienced to make a move job wise. I would strongly advise you to do this immediately BUT, simply do NOT give a full explanation as to why; I have learned that in 99.9% of cases where people are already oblivious to how their behaviour or their family's behaviour is affecting you, or are actively treating you unfairly, then there is no way on earth they will treat you fairly when you try to reason with them.
Be professional, hand in your notice, focus on what lies ahead and if they ask you to comment on why you are leaving simply say very professionally that you have found another situation more suited to your full range of professional skills and experiences and that you think will help your career development, Express how you have learned a lot from working with them and appreciate that opportunity and then leave it at that. DO NOT GO INTO DETAIL, DO NOT TRY TO REASON WITH THEM, YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANY EXPLANATION AND THEY WON'T ACCEPT IT ANYWAY.
And leave the Grandma do the dirty nappies by herself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2023):
 Find another job.
ASAP
The baby can be a darling little thing, but that is beside the point. IF they want grandma to take care of the baby, then SHE can take care of the baby.
If the mother of the baby CAN NOT talk to her mom and the father cannot talk to the MIL, then what is the point?
Move on. This is a bad environment for you.
Maybe when you give them 2 weeks' notice (or however long) they parents will realize that NO nanny will put up with these shenanigans of a grandmother.
You shouldn't HAVE to come to work to be bullied by some old fart!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2023): I'd start to look for another job if I were you .It's not that I do not understand your frustration or that I find it unjustified. Then again ,1) I can see how a Grandmother,no matter how ornery and overbearing, is much less replaceable than a nanny, no matter how competent and efficient. If they have to displease somebody between you and her , they'll choose you, and expecting differently is a bit naive 2) I have often heard people complaining because they are being asked to do more than what's in their job description, but never the opposite. If your employers are content with paying the hefty salary of a full time nanny to just let you change diapers and help Grandma a little - so be it . If this is what they want ! It does not make a lot of sense, perhaps,then again it's not your problem .Both in the sense that you don't need to worry about it, and in the sense that you should not try to interfere with their decisions.
In conclusion, I am pretty sure that you'd be happier in another job .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2023): "I know I can find a job..."
Start looking for a job RIGHT NOW.
You will NEVER win against family. Even when the parents know that you are right.
In the meantime do not step on anyone's toes.
I have never been a nanny, but I did take care of my friend's kids for about a month. I like them as friends, but I would never work as their nanny. Doing them a favor was one thing. I have noticed that they were fully aware of all the problems (two sets of grandparents involved, thankfully not at once), but they just wouldn't or oculdn't deal with them. Fortunately I understood that before I sat any of them down to have a chat. This is when it dawned on me why they ha problems with finding nannies and babysitters. They asked me again next year to help them out for a month (and again next year).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2023): The thing is, you say you have become a maid basically, changing a dyper and doing the laundry whilst grandma gets all the nice parts.
I have to wonder why they have you there with grandma in the first place if she is so capable?
I'm with your friends here, you aren't going to win this one as they won't change the family dynamic. I think you risk getting fire if you bad mouth the grandma. I think yes, get another job and let the parents know the true reason for this change.
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