A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello.It's been almost four years since my Grandfather died and i'm still depressed after that time. And i keep having nightmares that show him bald and corpse pale. (He died of cancer)Is it normal to be this depressed for this long? Does anyone know how i can stop being...well depressed?Help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying to explain it to my Mother because she's the most supportive you could say. She said that I was being ridiculous and that I just needed to forget about him and move on with my life, no use wasting money on something unnessesary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): That's the big problem babes, you never got to say goodbye. When people die and you can't get to talk to them, it hurts and keeps you stuck inside. This is too difficult to deal with on Dear Cupid. The Brain doctor's know all about this. There are Bereavement doctor's who know all about not getting a chance to say goodbye and getting stuck and remaining unhappy..
Yes, this is painful, but you must sort it out and do positive things with your time. Please go and see the doctor and talk to them. They know the right things to say to help, they are very used to this type of thing. You are not mad, and you are not sick. But when people we love, we must get to say goodbye, or like you have learned, we can stay sad and sick for a very long time..
Please ask your parents to book an appointment with the doctor.. The doctor's know how to deal with your sadness and will help you to feel a lot better.
Don't forget to write to your grandfather and tell him everything you are doing. The fact that you know you have a problem and are here on Dear Cupid trying to solve it, will make him unhappy, but it will also make him smile because he knows you are trying to get happier and get help to do more positive things in life..
Thanks for your update babes, it helps to make things a little clearer. You need some help and advice to say goodbye to Grandpa and the doctor's are the best people to show you how that is done. Grandpa isn't gone, he's just turned into another form, and he's watching you and supporting you and loving you always, no matter where he may be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy Grandfather refused to be put in a hospital, he stayed at his beloved home. My Grandma never left his side, i was more sad when i found out i couldn't see him, two other cousins of mine got to and that wasn't fair. We all should have gone to give him one last goodbye....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Hey see.. were moving forward..
You don't like doctors because of the blood and stuff. That's very understandable, many people don't like doctors because of them things. But we are talking about a Brain Doctor. They don't have needles, and they don't do blood. They just see tons and tons of people who are sad. They see many people who get sad after someone dies and don't know how to cope and move on. These doctors are brain doctors, all they do is exactly what we are doing here at Dear Cupid. They ask you how you feel, they ask you to talk, just like you are talking to us. There is nothing more frightening than that. They just ask you questions and talk..
Anyway on to grandad's letter. Your gonna write him some nice positive stuff so he knows that you are happy. You like animals and running.. Sorry I don't like them things, but I know they are good. Many aunts and uncles here at Dear Cupid love animals and some of them love running.
Curing cancer and getting rid of it is a very expensive thing. They are always asking for money, so they can find a cure, so nobody ever has to die from this sickness again. That's a great thing you could do in memory of your grandfather, and you can keep fit and stay healthy and please your parents all at the same time. You'll need help, so you need to talk to your parents. But here in the UK this is what everybody dose when somebody dies suffering from cancer.
We run marathons to get money to find treatment to cure this disease. Everybody in the UK dose it, my mum has done it, even though she is old. We run all over the place trying to collect money to give to the scientist. All you have to do is work out the longest distance you can run and the fastest time you can complete it in. Then you make up a form and ask everybody to give you money if you can run a long distance in a very short time. Whatever you can run, increase it, whatever time you can do it in, make it smaller. You test yourself to run faster and longer, and people understand that you are challenging and testing yourself so they give you more money... Then you give it to the hospital your grandfather stayed in. They give the money to the scientist, the scientist buy equipment, and then they work harder to cure cancer so nobody will die like this again..
Running a marathon, running faster and quicker than you ever have, and getting people to give you money to do it. That's a fine way to remember your grandfather. That's what we do it Britain when somebody dies of cancer, we start running and collect money to give to the scientist to get new treatments. We also do it in costume sometimes. We dress up as all kind of funny things, chickens, donkeys, one-legged people (you must watch the London marathon, to see what I mean) It slows the running down and makes it harder, when your in costume, but it helps to collect more money. Some people even run long distances backwards.. that's always fun...
You like running, the scientist need more money, people will give money to cure cancer. Talk to your parents about the Brain Doctor, and ask for their help in trying to organise a marathon to raise money for cancer. This is what we do in Britain when somebody dies suffering from cancer, and it would make you grandfather so proud. You can tell him all about it in your next letter...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not being selfish! I have a fear of Doctors and needles and blood and hospitals. Basically anything medical related.I want to get better and stop upsetting my parents but his death has left a deep scar that whenever i'm remined of him, opens up and hurts more deeply than before. The only thing that cheers me up is running and animals.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): You wrote him a letter, that's good, and of course it can't be delivered, he's can't receive it. I don't want you to write just one letter, I want you to write him a letter at least once a week. Tell him what's going on, your hopes and dreams and what you have achieved. Even though he's not nearby, just doing this will help you to move on and get on with your life. Start writing to your grandfather regularly and make sure you have some nice positive things to tell him...
You don't like doctors, well tough. Then you are selfish like I said, because you don't want to get better, you just want to stay sad, and have no intention of doing anything to get better. If you feel so sad it physically hurts, you go to a doctor to get rid of the pain, or you actually like it for some strange reason, probably because you love the attention of people feeling sorry for you.
You parents lost a father, they are hurting too, but they get on with life because they have to look after you. What are you doing to help the situation? If you are sick and refuse to see a doctor, you just give them added problems. You need to grow up, help them all you can, even if that means going and talking with a doctor, so they no longer need to worry about you. Your parents need you to get better, get happy and start doing positive things. Before you know it they will no longer be here, and you will be an adult with kids. You are leaving them out in your grief, you are spending your precious time with your parents, being unhappy and making them unhappy. Try to sort this thing out with a doctor, so they can start to be happy, they can't grieve for your grandfather properly as long as they are so worried about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote him a letter and in England we then burn it, so it can be delivered to were he is.
I don't like doctors and make no plans to see one soon.(My parnets are not really aware of how sad i am...yet)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): You said it physical hurts to remember your grandfather, and you are suffering from nightmares. Well no problem, you must ask your parents to take you to the doctor, you have sadness that needs to be properly released. Once this is done, then you will heal and it will be easier to think of positive things to do for your grandfather's memory.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): That's good, it's good to remember our grandparents. Now take the good things you remember and do something positive with them. There are many people who are old who have nobody to visit them, why not ask your parents to help you get in touch with them, and speak to them about the times your grandfather lived in. I'm not asking you to forget, I'm asking you to do something with his memory. You could do a history project. Trace by your family tree as far as you can and publish it. If your grandfather liked gardening, see if you can plant something in memory of him. If you like biology you might even be able to create a new cross breed dedicated to him...
I said nothing about forgetting, I said you need to do something positive as a remembrance to him. If you have pictures of when he was younger and you can draw or paint, make a portrait, something from the younger generation (you) to the old...
I don't know if he was related to your mother or your father, but your parents are suffering too. Not only have they lost their parent, but now you are sick with grief, and they have to worry about you. That's a lot of pain for them. Don't forget your grandfather, but when you think of him, think about something positive to do. It's not good to forget our grandparents. But your grandfather's parents died long before you had born, and if he was not strong enough to do something with his sadness, he never would have kids and you would not be alive.
I'm only asking you to live as your grandfather would have wished you to live. Like others, I believe your grandfather watches over you right now, and I am sad, because he would be sad at the way you are dealing with all of this.
What things have you done to honour your grandfather, have you raised money for cancer to help others, have you tried to write a story all about his life. What have you done to honour your grandfathers life?
Tonight before you go to bed, I want you to write your grandfather a letter, telling him you miss him, telling him you keep thinking of him, and I want you to tell him all your plans, your hopes and dreams for the brand new coming year, just like you used to do when you were able to touch, talk and listen to him. A little task, something that will make him happy and make him less worried about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not being selfish...It physically hurts to think about him, I've been trying to live my live but too many things remind me of him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I agree with Diovanlestat.....Time to live again.
That is what he would want, he would not be happy with you like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): You are being very, very selfish. Your grandfather would be very distressed if he could see what you are doing with your life. He did the best he could in life, he gave birth to your parent, he loved you. He didn't want to die and he didn't want to go, but his time was up. He was sick and weak. He couldn't stick around because he was in so much pain.
You have life, but instead of you living life to it's best and grabbing every second you can to do something positive. You sit around moaning and being depressed. Is this all that you can do to honour the memory of that old man. What did he spend his life doing, creating a grandchild who just cries and has no spark or determination to achieve things in life. You think about him pale and dead, have you forgotten the good memories already. Don't you remember the advice he gave you, the laughs, the things he dreamed that you would do.
Stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, go out and help somebody, go learn something, go achieve something. Do something that would make your grandfather proud. Go and make something and name it after him, make everyone realise that you are one of the best things that your grandfather created. You have life, and your sitting their wasting it. He would not be happy to see you like this. Go and do something useful with your time, that is the true way to honour your grandparent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been FOUR YEARS!
And i look at the pictures every day and they don't help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): HiI had images of my dead partner for months and bad dreams.Images are stored in the subconscious and so what i did was every day look at photographs of him when he was alive, happy ones and then these images were the ones that would come up first in my mind. Try and also remember that the dead body is not the person just a shell the real person has passed over to somwhere else...so try and seperate the thoughts.I am so sorry but in time you will have nicer memories.
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female
reader, JessicaCupid  +, writes (14 December 2008):
 I know how you feel.
My dad died some what 6 years ago. i was traumatized.
It got to me very deeply. It took my mother years to get over it.
I did eventualy in time get over it however when i was on my own and saw pictures of him it made me cry. I'm sure it would anyone.
Its not bad to feel depressed over death. infact its almost a good thing!
You just need to remember. He's in a better place now
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cannot think about him it physically hurts.
And i want to try to get better before my mother sends me to a shrink!
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male
reader, Bill23 +, writes (13 December 2008):
I know how you feel because I lost my grandmother sometime back and it still hurts. But if you have memories of them they never die, hope this helps.
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