A
male
age
36-40,
*agami
writes:Oh man, please bear with me here. Ok 2 years ago I met a girl. She was beautiful and loved everything I loved, all the same interests. We went to a movie I asked her to date me she turned me down. No biggy we became best friends. Turns out she was on and off with some guy and I caught her in an off period which soon ended. He was of course an A hint hint hole;) Me and her hung out all the time doing what we loved to do ie. anime related, Japanese restaurants, video games. We even went to a strip club for fun. I told her I had feelings for her in about 3 months and gave her the option of bailing out to avoid conflict. She said she'd stay and I said I'd control my feelings, which I did. After about a year of irritation and my encouragement she finally broke up with him for good (believe me she was in tears all the time with him). After words she considered dating me but she had specific standards (tall, white, skater type) she's Chinese by the way and I'm Puerto Rican so no dice. After a while I decided it hurt too much to keep trying so I looked elsewhere. I met a younger, pretty girl who had a great attitude and made me smile a lot (Both I and the first girl are 24 by the way, our birthdays are 1 day apart:P. The second girl is 19). I asked the new girl out (girl 2, bear with me:D) she said yes, which I expected and we went out. We had fun over time and got close but she never gave me the same feeling Girl 1 (my best friend) gave me. After about 6 months I decided to end it even though I knew she loved me (she never said it I just knew). It wasn't fair to stay with her knowing I couldn’t return the feelings. So I decided to be alone and get my thoughts together. After a few weeks Girl 1 decided to give it a try with me, so I busted my butt to show her a great time. We had fun but she never treated me the same as other boyfriends. She always hesitated before we kissed. And rarely showed enthusiasm (by the way, as friends when we were both single we had sex a couple times.) while dating she didn't want to get to intimate. It's like she was hoping after we dated we would break up and go back to being friends. After a few weeks I realized she would never treat me like a boyfriend she really wanted and not only that I missed Girl 2 (she was very sweet). Girl 1 and I both decided to split up now instead of playing this frustrating game. Once I realized I loved Girl 2 I went back to her (she literally kicked my butt but she took me back. Yes I know I deserved it:P) Eventually me and Girl 1 stop being friends (we argued on and off ever since she was dating the first guy and this didn't help.) I was happy with Girl 2 and we both knew we loved each other. Only problem was part of me was not happy. Although Girl 2 was loving, a good cook and had a great attitude, she didn't know much about being a girlfriend (I'm like the 3rd guy she ever dated and longest lasting) I tried to help by telling her what I liked but she was kinda tomboyish at times and didn't know how beautiful she was. I got her to try showing off her looks once in a while which I think is harmless (she needs more confidence on her looks). Half of me is completely satisfied with her and sometimes half of me still rarely gets the stir of emotion I received for Girl 1 (she never made my heart race like Girl 1). This of course frustrated me because I wanted her to me the one who satisfies me completely. It took a while but I realized that I have two sides and Girl 1 completely satisfies one side and Girl 2 completely satisfies the other. Girl 1 satisfies the side that once to be sexual, watch anime, play games do everything I love (She always has a different look and takes care of her looks and body all the time) but she never satisfied my emotions since she never really showed me she truly cared in that way. Girl 2 completely satisfies my emotions and hangs on every word (she's kind and caring) but doesn't love what I love to do (she likes it sometimes but not the way I do) plus she rarely changes her look unless I ask and isn't very...um sexual. This is what I figured. Girl 1 is a great girlfriend (exciting, fun, spontaneous) and Girl 2 would be a great wife (reliable, understandable, and dedicated). Right now I'm still looking for a girlfriend but I know in time I'll look be looking for a wife and if I leave her now she won't be there later (I wouldn't blame her). What do I do so I'm not tempted by every girl who has the same traits as Girl 1? Should I leave and try to find someone else and hope later I can find someone who satisfies both sides or do I stay with Girl 2 (whom I love by the way) and keep trying to get her to satisfy my other side which frustrates her at times. I'm afraid the more I try the more frustrated we both get and we'll end up breaking up anyway. Or that my temptation is too much and I make a mistake and hurt her which would break my heart (she's so sweet). Add to that, that I get a surge of desire whenever I see Girl 1 and I get nervous now around her and now you see why I'm worried.If you read all of this and post an answer thank you very much. You're awesome! :D
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best friend, broke up, confidence, period, split up, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (18 December 2008):
Kagami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell for those not willing to read all of this. Here's the situation in a nutshell.
I love Girl2 and she loves me. I don't want to jeopardize what I have unless it's absolutely necessary. When I loved Girl1 I was never so sure in my life that I could have these moments all the time and be perfectly happy. Unfortunately I was missing one key factor, HER returned feelings. Mine you she loved being with me it was just one of those love you but not in love with you things:P Sucks that I gave Girl1 my love, my heart and my soul so completely but I can't seem to give as much to Girl2. It's frustrating to know I'm capable of loving so much and not being able to do the same for someone I love now. I'm trying to be patient to see if my feelings grow but it's not easy. Even if I left to pursue a Girl3 the chances of reaching that same level of love are slim.
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 To be honest I was very tempted to answer your question with that type of silly one liner (You don't deserve Girl 2!!!). There is always a deeper story, and you've actually surprised me with the letter you wrote to girl 1. Obviously it wasn't just the sex that made her so special. I really don't know what to say except to sympathize with you. I've worshiped people who don't return my affections before and it hurts. I guess it would be hard to be content once you know what else you could be feeling.
It's interesting to see that if Girl 2 makes an effort, things improve a bit. I've found that both partners need to work at any relationship, so if you can find a way to motivate her it might help. Unfortunately I have no suggestions again.
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A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (15 December 2008):
Kagami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk here’s my addition (please bear with me again :D) During the time Girl1 and I were best friends after she broke up with her boyfriend. I reached a point where I had 2 choices. Since I knew Girl1 wasn’t going to return my feelings, I could: 1. Cut her of completely and be extremely miserable for a long time or 2. Stay with her and be a little miserable as long as we’re friends. Not very good options :(
During that time I met Girl2, who no matter how miserable I was made me smile. It crossed my mind to date her but I got the impression I wouldn’t have to try very hard to get her (kinda ruins it for me if it’s too easy). I talked to Girl1 about it (We tell each other everything “sometimes adding to my suffering when I hear certain things" :() and she immediately began suggesting I date her (big surprise). After a few days I told Girl1 that I would try for 3 months and if there’s no spark Girl2 and I would just go our separate ways. Girl1 wanted me to try 6 months since she was sure it would happen. I said fine since Girl2 seemed like a great person and given my other options, it seemed like a great third choice. So I asked her out and without too much effort we started dating (I always made her die laughing so it wasn’t too hard). We had fun and were pretty intimate, all seemed well. But inside once in a while I still felt a pain and I didn’t feel ready to drag Girl2 into my world (she was new to relationships and sometimes a little naive).
She was still strong at times and capable of being confident and strong all the time but not always willing. Once I noticed she was in love with me and that I was hurting her by not loving her back I decided (since I personally know it sucks) it’s best to end it before I hurt her even more. Ofcourse I hurt her which after seeing my mess, broke my heart as well (I cried later). I decided to be alone and figure myself out before I hurt anyone else. After a few weeks, after talking with Girl1 we decided to try dating officially. I bust my butt during that time and we had fun but I barely felt like we were dating (I KNOW how she is with boyfriends and I seemed to be an exception).
After a few weeks I realized it hurt more to be like this and not only that I actually really missed Girl2. After a while we stopped dating since we both concluded her feelings for me wouldn’t change. As soon as I realized I loved Girl2 I went back to show her my love. So from then on we were actually happy, but I still had moments where I felt like something was missing.
Not very long after Girl1 and I broke up she began dating someone else that of course fit her ideal description (white and tall). And to my annoyance she was again treating him like the world. Not too long later she was already complaining to me. I tried to get her to end it because it was already showing signs of becoming like her other relationship (not me by the way :D). After a lot of fighting she ended it but the hatred we developed for each other made it so we were no longer friends. Six months later here I am. I actually ran into Girl1 recently and we had a very respectable conversation that should our concern for each other but felt more like strangers being polite to each other (which made me feel sad since we use to be best friends for 2 years).
Finally I’ll end it with this. The love I had for Girl1 was to a point that I have never felt in my life. She had my heart and soul and I would’ve done anything for her. Mine you I was no dope I kept my self respect and did everything a man could (which I felt anyone else would have broken my door down) and still didn’t change her decision. I will now post a personal letter (with no names) I wrote to her giving you an idea of what I mean.
“Girl1,
It's no secret that the love I have for you is strong and true. I embrace it as well as cherish although sometimes it gets me in to trouble. We've had many beautiful memories and I'm sure we'll have many more. Although you yourself are beautiful your heart is all I've ever wanted. I cherish your affection as well as any kind words as much as I cherish you. You are my love Girl1 and the happiness you bring me is one of a kind. And one day I swear I'll bring you the same kind of happiness.
With love and my heart and my soul,
Kagami
I don't need to be your first love.
I want to be your last.”
I put this in a card I gave to her and although it touched her she would still never really try. I do love Girl2 (I feel I know what it is) and after the hatred Girl1 and I showed each other even after we were supposed to be together (atleast as friends) for much longer I’m sure Girl1 is out of the picture as an option. Holy crap this was long. If you read THIS thank you soo much. I answer any questions so please no assumptions.
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A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (15 December 2008):
Kagami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionScythe, I have already discussed it with Girl2 (with obvious omissions). She seems to understand but it’s almost been a year and not much has changed. Although when she tries it makes a big difference, since I had to ask her to try and show her how it kinda takes away from the surprise. Yes Girl1 and I weren’t dating when we had sex. And yes it does seem sometimes like we’re stuck in a rut. I guess it’s because we each have to compromise sometimes in order to do something we both like, so otherwise we have some routines. She’s trying to be more spontaneous and exciting but for some reason her surprises don’t excite me as much. Staying faithful is not really a problem for me right now, I can deal with it. It’s staying happy that may be a problem (my selfishness makes my standards pretty high). I can stay for the happiness I bring her which right now is enough (no one deserves it more than her).
As for my only male reader ?, thanks for sticking with the post. I completely agree with your friends quote. And as for your third paragraph which can be summarized as “the grass is always greener on the other side” :D, this has already been crossing my mind for a while. You’re right and so far I find it harder to find a girl like Girl2. Although finding a girl like Girl1 is almost as hard. Truth is I’m exactly like both of them even though their almost opposites, so you can see how I’m in conflict with myself.
Thank you both for your input. You both seem to really understand which is surprising to me (I usually get the whole “you’re a selfish bastard and you deserve to be alone” treatment). I plan on posting a more detailed addition to my story which I feel will help you understand my situation a little more (believe me it’s unique) and maybe you’ll have additional input to help me out (I’ll keep it short and to the point ;D). Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Quite a long post but I stuck with it for you.
To quote a dear friend of mine when i was stuck in a similarly feeling situation
"There is no such thing as a perfect person, you will always be bothered by the "little things" but what makes a relationship right is at the end of the day if your willing to wake up the next morning and go through it again because you love them that damn much"
Now im not into the new agey crap that everyone has the perfect person for them out there, if you find yourself WANTING a more eye-candy like girl, then when you finally get what you want you will end up wanting a more emotionally pleasing girl.
You need to think very very hard about what REALLY matters to you, and really think about what qualities are harder to find in a girl, and that if you truly love her is it worth it.
Again you can disregard this post if you wish, but the hard truths are usually the ones that will give you the most help.
Best of luck friend.
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (14 December 2008):
Well at least you're being honest by worrying that it might become a bigger problem. I'm not sure if it would help to discuss it with Girl 2, but I find that communication always helps me in my relationship.
Sex with Girl 1 does sound exciting even to me - spontaneous, unknown and forbidden (you two weren't dating yes?). Stuck in a rut means you are stuck in the same old routine, for example, meeting up every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night for dinner and planned sex afterward. Perhaps you could try some spontaneity and excitement. If you've tried all you can and still no change in your feelings then at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you can stay faithful and put up with it or if its better to leave. Not an easy choice :(
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A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (14 December 2008):
Kagami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell scythe, I do remind her all the time how beautiful she is and I understand what you mean that it has to come from within her. I know it will take time but my concern also lies within myself. Part of me craves that initial feeling I received before but not enough to be a big problem. Just enough to be a lingering thought in the back of my head. I'm afraid in time it might become an even bigger problem.
As for the sex we both enjoy it each time and I can tell each time that she loves it (she's not to quiet;D) but my heart still never races and it frustrates me sometimes. Maybe with Girl1 it was the fact that I never knew when we would have sex. Each time was spir of the moment and the result was a surprise to me:) But sometimes it races even when I'm near her when there's no chance of sex. Not sure what you mean by stuck in a rut.
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (14 December 2008):
I think that with your encouragement (telling her she is beautiful etc) she might slowly learn to love her body and be able to "show it off" a bit more. I know that is what happened with my partner constantly telling me how gorgeous he thinks I look, I'm less self-conscious now. However, it's something that has too come from within her - she will decide to be more sexy/feminine herself, unfortunately you can't influence that.
About the sex... I have no clue. Has she never made your pulse race? Perhaps it's because you ALWAYS have sex with her, and have only had sex with girl 1 twice? The first two times, sex would have been pretty hot and that's all you remember of girl 1? Maybe you're just stuck in a rut with girl 2. Does she get into it? Sex always feels more awesome when both partners are really into it and participating.
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A
male
reader, Kagami +, writes (13 December 2008):
Kagami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually for the first post I considered it already, but I left once before and broke her heart and I can't do it unless I KNOW without a doubt that, that's what I need to do for both of us. It may not even help I'll probably miss Girl2 immensly and want to some back (one side of me already loves her, the other wants a little more).The second post, I know it seems like a good idea but I've searched and never found anyone like Girl2. I felt if she gained more confidence in herself and looks (I always tell her how beautiful she is and that there's nothing wrong with showing off once in a while what you have) the rest would come naturally. Sure she doesn't love all my hobbies but she tries and likes them sometimes. I think if I never met Girl1 and known that someone could satisfy that side of me so completely I would have been completely satisfied with Girl2. But now I know it exists and part of me wonders if I can be completely happy.Third post (yey), in a nutshell the sex with Girl2 is great (she's beautiful and willing to try everything...umm I don't go for weird stuff:D) but when I had sex with Girl1 my heart never stopped racing and it was more like an experience than sex. I get frustrated because I want Girl2 to make my heart race the same way and I still don't understand why it doesn't. To me I think Girl1 was perfect for one side and Girl2 is perfect for the other, but the chances of finding one who is perfect for both in the next decade is unlikely. In general I want to be completely satisfied for two reason: 1. because it would put my mind at ease and I wouldn't worry about being tempted by others. 2. Because Girl2 is very perceptive and if I'm not completely satisfied she notices and she won't be happy.Thank you everyone for posting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): Guess what, no one is perfect. I'm sure there's things about you she wish's she could change, but she dosen't try because she loves you. If you really loved her, you love the whole her. Not try and change her because that will never work. So till you get over the whole, she's got to be like this! attiude, yes I think you should be on your own. Good luck
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (13 December 2008):
It seems that neither of them can satisfy you full. Do you and girl 2 have any kind of sexual relation, or is it just her looks which are unsatisfying?
You have to decide if you can sacrifice sexual/visual fulfillment for emotional support. If you cannot, then you need to explain this to girl 2 and see how she feels about that. Maybe it would be better if you moved on from both of the girl, took some time to find out what you really want and then perhaps a new girl will come along who satisfies this.. It is a chance you might have to take. I don't think it's fair on girl 2 if she is not enough to satisfy you.
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