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male
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*heck mate
writes: i was in a relationship with a great girl, we were taking things slow, then she went away with work, when she returned home she anounced that she didn't think it would work out, and as she would be away at various times of the year and she had missed me so much she said she couldn't deal with the hurt.I was devestated and tried to reassure her things would be ok, she said her mind was made up, i was so upset and low i drank over the weekend, then i foolishly emailed to female friends on myspace site telling them how good they looked in my messed up state i felt if i gave a compliment i may recieve one back it was wrong i know and recently appologised to the girls concerned, my girlfriend found out about this, and went mad calling me all sorts and saying that i had betrayed her trust, she now says we cannot even be my friend as she just thinks i'm not trustworthy and without trust to her there is nothing, the thing is i'm very trustworthy and never cheated on any one in my life, how can i convince her of this and rebuild her trust in me????
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male
reader, check mate +, writes (3 October 2006):
check mate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is no longer answering my calls texts or emails, in the past she has said she needs time to think things through, do you think i should leave he or continue to try to contact her or maybe give her some sort of ultimatum???
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (29 September 2006):
 It shows you wanted them to know that you had a girlfriend, you was sorry for complimenting them and that there was nothing behind your compliments just a drunk mistake therefore proving to your girlfriend that you are committed to her and noone else.
How would these girls know your girlfriend?
Are you sure one of them isn't your girlfriend? I know it might sound daft but I have been fooled by an ex going online under a hidden identity to try and find out if I was doing something or encouraging me into doing or saying something I shouldn't have been because I was with him, although him doing it was a waste of time as I never did or said anything wrong because thats just not the type of person I am, but still yours was a drunken mistake when the relationship was sort of over by her on her terms.
The only thing you can do now is try to work through your own wants from this, ask your self that if she did come back would you want to be with her and get through the fact that she may finish it again over silly things again leaving you not really knowing where you stand with her, ask yourself if you really love her and want to work things out.
You may never get her back and if you did you may never never know whether your coming and going with her, the fact she finished it the first time round due to missing you really throws me as when I miss someone I go out of my way to give them more time and makes me realise how important they are to me and how I don't want to lose them.
Good luck :o)
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A
male
reader, check mate +, writes (29 September 2006):
check mate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure were to go from here?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2006): As i said earlier i had contacted these girls to apologise for what i did and tried to explain why, they said it was ok, i ended up telling them exactly what had happened, not sure why but i did, i suppose its easier to talk to people that you don't know personally. Withouit my knowledge one girl maybe both contacted my ex, i'm sure they were only trying to help. My ex was not happy she emailed me and said what do i think i'm doing talking to these girls about our issues and she just didn't need all this sxxt, i tried to explain that the problem she had was with me flirting with these girls and that all i was doing was confiding in them, indeed telling them how much i loved her, therefore surely this proves i was not flirting.
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (29 September 2006):
For some people it is easier to blame the other person for the break up than to actually take the blame yourself.
You have done everything right by this girl from pretty much day one and she knows it, you made one mistake which was when you wasn't together and it was only a few compliments, not a reason to end a relationship, I would be surprised if she was even thinking about the relationship and not used it as a reason to make you feel like you've lost your second chance even more so.
I have been hard on my exs in the past when it comes to little things like what you did but never have I felt it is enough to end the relationship and state it has left that person untrustworthy.
Sometimes when some people come out of bad relationships the next partner suffers due to this especially if the next partner treats them right and does everything the way they should be, this isn't your fault and you deserve to be with someone that can love and respect you the way you do them.
Good luck, keep me posted :o)
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (26 September 2006):
 Hey CM,
The fact remains that you two were not in an exclusive relationship. She is convincing herself that you are bad because she still has issues that were never resolved from her last relationship.
She is also convincing you that you did something wrong, which you did not. You could have messaged those girls the night after she broke up with you - once you're single, you're single. She didn't even say it was supposed to be a "break," did she? She has no room to try and blame you for anything.
If you really want to try again, you need to help her focus on how you were when you were with her. The problem is she is focusing on what you did when you were SINGLE (and drunk). Try talking to her about your relationship, before *she* broke up with you. Bring up the positives and try to reinforce the fact that you are not untrustworthy. I have a feeling that speaking less and doing more is going to work better for you. You don't want to dig yourself into a deeper hole with this girl. You know they say actions speak louder than words.
And not to sound callous, but if she really cared enough to make this relationship work, she would have never broken up with you in the first place. Don't you agree? I agree with Irish when she says "you'd be amazed at what people will endure when they love someone a lot." I've known people who have been in long distance relationships for FOUR years - now both of those couples are married. I've known couples who have worked through problems with affairs.
If you really want to be with this girl, it's going to take a lot of time to show her that you won't be untrustworthy in the relationship, particularly because you have shown no signs you would cheat on her.
Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, check mate +, writes (26 September 2006):
check mate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust one more thing in her last relatioship her ex boyfriend treated her very badly it shattered her confidence, left him one night,because he punched her in the face breaking her nose,
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A
male
reader, check mate +, writes (26 September 2006):
check mate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, can i just clarify a few things, it was Wed when she said it was over, then on Sat i emailed the girls, in the meantime i was trying to convince my girlfriend to give it a go, then when she found out about the emails, it was then she told me that she was thinking about how we could work thinks out but as i had emailed these girls i had broken her trust and she, has since told me i'm a great guy but just untrustworthy, which i'm actually the opposite, thing is when we first met i flirted with these girls a little bit i didn't mean anything by it, my girlfriend told me she didn't like it so i agreed to stop which to be honest was only fair it is inappropiate, i then told these girls that i had met a great girl and i loved her very much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her,and i also posted this on my myspace site,I just want my girlfrid or ex to realise that i am trustworthy and take it from there, any advice please???
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (26 September 2006):
She had already basically ended the relationship with you so you was free to do and say what you wanted to anyone else, she is probably just annoyed that she thought you would just sit there pining over her and instead you complimented other girls for whatever reason and has used that as her reason to end this for good passing the blame for the end in the relationship on you easing her guilt on doing so.
I would think that if she was missing you while she was away etc then it would make her realise how much she does want to be with you and realise even more reason to make a real effort in the relationship because you matter to her but instead she misses you and runs away from you.
Good luck :o)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006): You did not have her committment and love in the first place. Firstly, to actually dump you because she missed you so bad that she couldn't deal with the hurt seems pretty lame and weak, to me. It just doesn't make sense, in my mind. You'd be amazed at what people will endure when they love someone a lot. If she was wanting you so badly, she would've made huge, monumental efforts to make sure you knew without a doubt, she loved you and missed you. I think you were given the heave-ho because she was no longer interested, dear. Stop thinking with your heart here and use your head. Don't even try to convince her you are trustworthy. Contacting 2 females to compliment them...'after' your gf cut you loose, is not the problem here. It's the way you are allowing this girl to treat you. Stop being blind and tell her, she dumped you-you are a free agent-you had the right to contact anyone you please. You sound like a great guy and I really, really think she was looking for an excuse to dump you, dear. Let her go. Leave it alone. Face the loss and go find someone who really appreciates what you have to offer. Good luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 September 2006):
Hi CM,
I agree with uonlyliveonce - you didn't do anything wrong because she had already broken up with you.
The only problem with the break up is that she still had feelings for you. And that problem is on her end, not yours.
How did you break her trust? What did she think - that you weren't going to hit on girls once she broke up with you? Lets be realistic here - you can't wait around for her to realize she wants to be back with you. So she basically meant that you guys could be friends just so long as you didn't date anyone? Sorry, but this girl seems a little selfish and manipulative to me.
It sounds like she needs to figure out what she really wants and stop playing mind games with you. Look at how she has been confusing you - you shouldn't be feeling this way. What she did is not fair to you.
Okay, so how do you convince her to trust you? You need to lay down some ground rules for the friendship - and the first one is that you are going to eventually see other people (she will be doing this, too!). If she can't see past that, and she doesn't want to have an exclusive relationship with you, then I think you should really consider why you want to be friends with someone who isn't
"allowing" you to date anyone.
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A
female
reader, uonlyliveonce  +, writes (26 September 2006):
 she had already told you things wouldnt work out so you had kinda split up anyway so why does it matter what you said to other girls?
did she actually know these girls were they her friends or just girls you met online?
if they were strangers then i would say if thats all it takes to split you up then your relationship wasnt that strong to start with
she had already made her mind up that it wasnt going to work so you've done nothing wrong
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