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*ohnny A.
writes: Some friends and I were discussing this today, and we all had different viewpoints (all valid, in their own right), but I figured I'd pose the question to a broader audience and see what you all have to say...So I have this friend (and no, I'm not talking about myself...if that were the case, I wouldn't be so non-chalant about it. Read on...) who's married. He's been married for the past 2 years. Let's call him Dan.Dan is married to Nicole, and they have 3 kids together. To give you some background, they had been dating and Nicole was on the verge of breaking up with him, but wound up pregnant instead. So, they decided to have the child and stay together (I can hear you groans already...it gets worse though). So 2 years after having the child, Dan decided to propose to Nicole. This was all due to Nicole's family pressuring him to "be a man" and "do the right thing". Now, by that time, neither Dan nor Nicole had really been faithful to one another. Nicole wasn't certain who the father of their child was, because she had been cheating on Dan. Dan, meanwhile, had been occupying his time with prostitutes. Of course, neither knew nor talked about their exploits, but everyone else around them knew.Anyhow, they both continued to be unfaithful without the other knowing, for quite some time (to the point where Nicole was still cheating on Dan while she was still pregnant).Shortly after getting married, Nicole got pregnant again. By this point, Dan was feeling uncertain if their first child was his (he had his suspicions, but no solid proof), but figured they were a family now, and he had to accept the fact that he had twins on the way. To a degree, the relationship seemed solidified because of the twins coming into the picture.So they both basically stopped cheating, and focused on raising their kids. To their benefit, they're both good parents.Dan is the provider in the relationship, and he has no problem with that. Nicole raises the kids, and she does a great job of it. And they both love one another, and it's evident.The problem is with their sex life. Dan has complained to me that Nicole doesn't satisfy him, and Nicole has complained to me of the same. They've tried sex therapy, marriage counsellors, role playing, sex clubs, etc., but nothing has worked.Being single, and having a negative outlook on marriage, I'm left wondering this (finally! I get to the point...): can a marriage be healthy and last if both partners (unbeknownst to one another) cheat? I mean if the only aspect of their marriage that's bad is their sex life, is it justifiable for either of them to look elsewhere?Bear in mind, neither has any solid proof that the other has cheated. So, being that no marriage can be sustained on sex alone, can it be sustained on everything BUT sex?I got varied answers yesterday when I posed the question. Some thought that if everything was fine otherwise, some cheating here and there (to help satisfy each person's sexual needs that aren't being met) was fine. Others thought that cheating was wrong and that the couple should just grin and bear it and find a way to make it work without sex playing such a major role.So...which one is it?
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (15 July 2006):
 This is a personal opinion and I may get shouted down for it, but who cares and here goes.....
No. I do not believe a maariage can survive or work if one person is disatisfied with their sex life. If both are unhappy then maybe it can work because then there are grounds to make it work if they both work together.
Having a basic sexual incompatibility CAN work if both partners are willing to comprimise and work at the relationship......BUT, it takes some work!
I ahve a friend (don't we all) who has a child with her husband. But her husband has absolutely no interest in sex and as such she has found herself what she describes as a f*ckb*ddy. Thus she has her sexual needs met by the 3rd person in the marriage and all her emotional needs need by her husband. Yes, her husband doesn't know. But he is happier now his wife is not making sexual demands on him as he has a zero sex drive....
This is blatantly dishonest. BUT it works for this couple. The ideal of two people of the opposite sex in a relationship that fulfills EVERY need is not as widespread in real life. In fact this ideal is only an ideal in some cultures, it all depends on were you live and how you were brought up. You never know what goes on behind another couples closed doors. What looks ideal and cosy may be a bloody nightmare when everyone else goes home.
I think what I am trying to say is, things work in different ways for different people. Not that many people actually conform to the *norm* if we get down and actually look at individuals under a social microscope. We can hope that these *abberations* are not the norm, but each individual marraige is different.
I am fully aware that some of the more idealistic aunts and uncles on here are going to take a dim view of my *jaded* outlook, but that is the point I am trying to make. Maybe if people where not quite so idealistic and a little more honest about their sexuality and their emotional needs there would be a little less divorce in the world!!
In answer to you question, i do not in this case view it as cheating.....they are both at it. Yes, if they are married your friends, then technically it is cheating, but as neither of them are faithful then they are both *as bad as each other*. I don't think grinning and bearing it is an option. i believe we have one life and we should strive to be happy and fulfilled in that life. (But not at the cost of other individuals well being!) It ain't a dress rehearsal!!
It's a pity your friends cannot talk to each other. If they communicated their needs to each other as effectively as they do to their friends they could have such a fantastic marriage.
Hope my opinion helps a little, tho I think I have confused myself a little!!!!
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