A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. In that period I have cheated on him 3 times, 1 being a one night thing, 2 lasting longer than that. My last affair has been in the last few weeks, and I started to lose feelings for my boyfriend. I ended my relationship, but I don't know if I've done the right thing. We had a break of a few days before I ended it, and I jumped through wanting to dump him and wanting to be with him so much that I really don't know what I feel. After dumping him, I spent the night feeling a sense of dread and regret. I worried I threw away I long relationship without giving it a final try. I text him the following day saying I wanted to work things out, but then I went unsure again. I have no idea what to do with myself. I think he deserves someone better that won't cheat, but he says he loves me and would want to marry me one day. I'm so stuck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): He does know about the cheating, and was willing to stay with me. Just felt that needed to be clarified.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): Haven't got much to add (the women here have said what needs to be said), but I disagree completely with the guy who said "If he was enough you wouldn't cheat"! The idea that women cheat only because their partner is inadequate is nonsense -- and besides which, it simply shifts the blame onto the victim. (I wonder whether he gives the same advice to men who have cheated on their wives -- "if she was enough you wouldn't cheat" -- I do hope not!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): Just do what's right, not what you want. Especially seeing as you only want the idea of being with him and not the guy himself or you wouldn't have cheated.
It's not about him deserving someone better, OP. It's about you deserving better than to be with a guy who's quite simply not enough for you.
If he was enough you wouldn't cheat.
You deserve to have a guy who is enough for you that the thought of cheating just doesn't pop into your head.
By going back to this guy you would just cheat yourself out of a stable happy relationship with a guy who you can truly love.
Or maybe right now is not the right time for you to have a relationship with just one guy. Maybe you should play the field and have fun until you've gotten this out of your system, because cheating not only hurts your partner but it hurts you too. Unless of course you don't give a crap about hurting other people and if that's the case then just ignore what I said and learn your lesson the hard way.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Seriously?? You threw the relationship away the moment you cheated on him the first time. Never mind the second or third time. It's all a lie now. You've been hurting him, lying to him, spitting on his feelings, and making a complete mockery of his love for you.
You ended your relationship out of cowardice because if he knew who you really are and what you have been doing to him, he'd dump you and most likely never forgive you. There's nothing to be "stuck" about. You did this to yourself.
There's only one way out of this for you, and that's to grow up and own up to what you've done. You want a chance at a real relationship? You'll come clean to him and let him make his own choices. You'll do the right thing and learn actual lessons about the impact of your behavior. If you want casual sex with guys, you need to be single. Being an emotional vampire while enjoying the illicit isn't love.
Your relationship is over no matter if you get back with him and keep lying or not. You *will* be found out because you won't be able to stop hurting him. Don't kid yourself that marriage fixes these kinds of flaws, because they don't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Set him free - AND yourself.
How do you justify the cheating?I mean how do you keep doing it if you think it's wrong? Does he know?
You will NEVER figure out why you do this TO him and TO your relationship if you don't think about it.
If you two stick together you will continue to cheat, even if you marry him, is that what you want? for you? for your marriage? for him?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Does he know that you cheated on him 3 times? I assume not, since he wants to marry you. Perhaps if you tell him, your dilemma will solve itself and he will realise that he does deserve better.
He does deserve to be with someone who loves him back, and who doesn't cheat on him. You deserve to be with someone you love, and perhaps then you'll be able to stay faithful.
I think you are nervous about being single, not about leaving him. It's not that bad (being single). Leave him, be single for a while. Commmit to not contacting him for a good while to let the dust settle.
I understand that you are quite young and in a tricky situation, but you are being selfish in flip-flopping with this guy. If you go back to him, you are sure to cheat again at some point. He needs to know where he stands.
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