A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been with my now fiance for 2 yrs we've lived 2gthr 4 a while. He's caring and says that he wouldn't leave me and hasn't cheated. Problem is recently I found out he was dating his ex two months after we were "offical"! We went through the long distance thing. All was great until I came back and he told me his bestfriend (a girl) slept over his apt and they kissed. . ."but nothin happened" He admitted he thought I was going to go away and find s/o else! Even though I told him otherwise! One day he let me check his e-mail for an e-mail his mom sent him. . . I saw plenty of alerts for "new sexy compatible match in your area" . Turns out he had a web page on an adult swingers site with the headline "Ready for Action" looking for 1 on 1 discrete sex and was discussing a fantasy with some lady. I asked him about it and he denied having anything to do with it! There was a pic on it of us only he cropped out the part w/ me on it! He has no job, I do, doesn't care if the bills get paid he's not in school has no ambition do anything but play games. Tlkd to him about it not much has chngedAsked him to quit doing drugs cause he would buy it instead of pay bills and says he can't choose between me and it. He Promised me he isn't doing it and won't ever do it again. The other day whn he was reeeeeaaaaaally drunk he told me he'd do it again if I said it was okay cause he loves it! We aren't having sex. Told him I wanted to wait until I was married he said fine.Anywho, we've been arguing a lot lately about pointless things and he gets into punching-wall-fits-of-rage. We are suppose to get married. Marry him or leave?
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ambition, drugs, drunk, fiance, his ex, long distance, swinging Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Why are you even bothering to be with a kid like this? He definitely has a problem, but you should focus on yours, which seems even more worrying: namely, your suggestion that you could 'put up' with this situation and potentially even marry. Like another reader said, you seem to be listing pretty negative things about your husband-to-be (and presumably, some day, the father to your kids..), and unless he has an endless list of irreplaceable qualities, not much can counter-balance his shortcomings.
I know it's easier said than done, but get out. Try just moving out as a first step if it is easier for you. Possibly not having you to pay the bills and play mummy, he might get his arse in gear.
Good luck whatever you decide to do!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I think the question lies if you really wantto share all of his problems, along with yours and if yu really want to take care of a bigkid. bcauase that is what you are portraying of him and how i am picturing him. marriage is sharing and being happy. and your are clearly not happy abou the situation. anothe point you have t o thnk about is that he is not honest with you. He has kissed a girl that slep over and you believed that nothing happened? even if it didnt the kiss is enough.and drugs, this is a whole deal of legal affairs. he can commit you into his legal problems, whcih ould lead you into jail for conspiracy. (you knew about the drugs but never told anyone) so do you really want that?it is really in what you want.I had a long term boyfreind who did drugs, hardcore drugs. I thretend to break it of if he continued and he told me he would stop. the sad thing is i belived him, and the truth is, drug addicts cant stop for themselves. they need profound rehab, and even sometimes with rehab they cant stop. you cant help him if he does not want to be helped. so what do you really want?if youd like, we could talk through messages. your call.best of luck.keep us updated!
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A
female
reader, chloe71z +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Kick his A$$ to the curb and dont look back and dont worry about him hill probley go find somebody else he can smook off of.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 August 2008):
Sorry, but...what a loser! You should not even consider marrying this so-called man. I doubt you want to be with a person like him your whole life. Don't settle for him--he doesn't deserve you! He deserves some other trash just like him! I think you also know that you shouldn't marry him, you came on here to get others' opinions to make sure that you're not wrong for thinking you shouldn't marry this person.Seriously, take a piece of paper and write down all the pros and cons of being with him. From what you wrote here, it's only cons. No job, not trustworty/cheater, does drugs/binge drinks, and showing signs of violence. You don't want to be with someone like that--there's guys out there that aren't like that. Don't settle. He's just not ready to grow up, he's a child in a man's body. Leaving him will probably be one of the best decisions you will ever make.
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A
male
reader, The Listener +, writes (16 August 2008):
 I think you know the answer to that. From what you have said, your fiance needs help and getting married would be a wrong move, especially if your relationship is in this state. It is ultimatley up to you, but he has no respect for himself, obvious by his taking drugs and not having a job or working, and how can he respect or provide for you if he can't respect or provide for himself?
Hope everything turns out for the best :)
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