A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together about two and a half years. He is 35 and I am 27. He has been married before, I have not. I am at his place often, probably about 5 or 6 nights a week. I do not have a key, so if he has to work before me he will leave me the key so I can sleep and get ready for work. I usually have to ask. I have been doing this for the past 8 months or so, maybe a little longer. Before then, if I stayed over this was never offered to me. I would leave with him in the morning, having two hours to kill sometimes. I live about 35 minutes from him, so going home is a waste of time and gas. For awhile, I chose to avoid staying with him if our schedules did not line up perfectly. But, he always wants me to come over and I always do as well. I have asked him about this and he says I do not need a key because we do not live together. I understand this to an extent, but he always wants to spend time with me so wouldn't a key make that easier? Also, he does not like me leaving the key under the mat for long periods of time so often I will go out of my way to pick up or give him the key. He left his key with me this morning so I told him to call me when he left work so I could bring him his key. Due to communication issues, he had to wait over an hour to get into his place and was extremely pissed. He has only had to wait for me once before and it was only five minutes, which did not bother him. Later, I asked if he could just make a spare key for me to borrow, not even to keep. His reply was, "What for?" I am at a loss. Why doesn't he want to give me a key or even make a spare?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2014):
 If you spend 5-6 nights a week there it's practically living together and it sounds like the "key exchange" is an issue for him on lots of levels.
personally I have lots of folks with keys to my place even friends i never have sex with or sleep over regularly. Because ONCE in a while she needs to get into the house or help me out or something. I carry keys for a couple of friends too... hmmm
when hubby and I were dating LDR we did the key exchange so that I could let myself into his apartment even if he was home.
your boyfriend does not want to give you the freedom to come and go at your will. Rather he needs to control this for whatever his reasoning.
I like the idea at this point (it's nearly 3 years together) of saying "this is not working for me now and we need to make some changes. I will only stay over when it works with MY schedule." then make it so.
IF you want a key and to move the relationship forward then make it happen so you get the key... but know you risk losing the boyfriend.
Personally someone who didn't trust me enough to have a key would not be someone I was willing to be with.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Personally, I think spending 5-6 nights a week with a boyfriend you don't technically live with is a bit much. I'm guessing you pitch in for food here and there, but you're not paying for rent or utilities. That makes you a squatter.
My first thought was that while he loves your company he's beginning to resent giving up all that personal space for a non-contributing room mate. What's more, if you live with your parents, then you're using their home as a storage facility. Not nice.
Giving you a key is not just a matter of convenience. It's symbolic. And he might not appreciate the thought of coming home to find you'd already let yourself in and spent the day there because you were in the area.
I suggest you cut back on the visits and only go there when there are no scheduling conflicts the following morning. That way you don't need a key, you both have more personal space for other pursuits (and much needed alone time) and you'll appreciate each other's company all the more.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 He says; you don’t need a key because you’re not living together… I beg to differ, what do you call 5-6 nights a week? It’s a couple of nights short of moving in together, I say!?
After 2½ years and the last 8+months of him leaving you his key (be it a small step) so you can sleep etc. is enough time to know if you can be trusted, and for him to take the next step in cutting a spare key or for you to move in? For me I see it as something practical under the circumstances.
However I equally believe a key has a certain significant meaning attached (as per WhenCowsAttack) and if he isn’t ready for whatever reason, that’s something you’ll have to be patient or calmly talk to him about.
Meanwhile, he’s not all that inconvenienced by waiting an hour or 5 minutes… The fact that you accommodate him by frequenting his place and returning his key etc. is not enough for him to change his ways. You’ve made it easier for him not to budge and harder to get what you want which is a key. There is an art in getting what you want out of people :)
I think it time to motion him into driving 35 minutes, to go out of his way to pick up his key and or stay overnight at your place or his place a little less often?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (26 May 2014):
It is because it takes things a step closer to living together and he has not got to that point. The key is symbolic. But why would he bother anyway, when this way he sees you almost as much as he would if you lived together but still keeps his freedom. It is ridiculous and a bit humiliating.If it were me I think I would reduce the number of nights and/or I would also ask that he share and experience some of the same inconvenience by coming to my place instead.Personally I think 3 nights of key fumbling, waiting and messing about would be about enough for me!It would be best o be honest and say you realise that giving you a might seem like a step towards something he isn't ready for, but it is such a palava you are going to deuce the number of nights. No offence and all that as you do want to see him, but not giving you a key is giving you an uncomfortable message. You may as well say that you do not want to live with him either, whether truce or not, but you are sick of playing games with a key! He is taking a lot for granted, after all how can he know that you would want to live with him at all?Compromise: when there is a run of days you stay, keep the key. When there is a gap you hand it back. It still feels a bit stupid. What does he think you will burst in on? Look, I just think he is not ready to share his home with you fully. Not sure it can be pushed which is why I suggest pulling back a bit or a while.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): I've never really had to face that kind of situation to be honest as me and my wife used to spread out our time between our places and she could have mine or I hers if either of us was going to be hanging around for the day.
Personally I don't see why you need a key either, I mean you're happy to spend all your time at his place, make the 35 minute journey, pay for the gas etc. It's not like you're going to stop doing that so has no reason to give you a key if he doesn't want to. If you're not happy with the conditions of calling over to him then have him go to your place instead.
I mean yes it would be convenient but some people are odd in that way and don't like the idea of their partner coming and going at odd times without forewarning.
My wife and I are very like that so it was fine.
Maybe if you made some ground rules about you having a key he may relent. Such as never turning up unexpected or always calling before you do etc.
if his reasons are those of privacy or security then I'm afraid you have to respect that, they're valid reasons. I wouldn't give out a key either, I literally despise the idea of anyone, including girlfriends, just having full access to my place. I'd always feel a bit uneasy that at any time they could just show up and let themselves in, and even worse if we have a big blow out. Then nothing I own is safe and I have no escape from them either.
Why not start dividing your time between yours and his place? Why not have him make the effort to come to you? That way he'll see how much hassle you have to go through and will be more likely to empathise and relent on the key issue.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 May 2014):
For some people, giving up a key is rife with symbolism. If he gave you a key, that would be an indicator of FULL commitment, and perhaps a sign that you are officially living together? Then, oh, my, what could be next? Maybe (gasp!) MARRIAGE????
He isn't giving you a key because either he is not ready to fully commit, or because he is afraid of the implications (very serious relationship), OR because he doesn't fully trust you for some reason. He'll probably never admit any of these things. It's clear though, that he isn't ready to take this next step away from bachelorhood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): Yep, you are being too accommodating.
He insists on you visiting him but expects you to do all the work in terms of taking the key back to him.
It is his key to give and I get it if he doesn't want to give you one.
Just let him know that it's inconvenient for both of you when your schedules mismatch for you to sleep over. Let him know that you are happy to stay over weekends etc when you are both free so that you don't have to be kicked out and he doesn't have to wait around for his key.
Do not suggest him giving you his key. He's already shown resistance. Don't suggest it again. He is probably like the kid who doesn't want to be told what to do. Let him come to that realisation himself and let him feel like he came to that decision of his own volition.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Okay let me recap, so you are at his place 5 or six times a week, if he leaves for work before you, either you get a key to lock up, or you have a two hour period to fill.
If he leaves before you, he does not like you to leave the key under the mat, so you have to go out of your way to give him his key.
He didn't like it when your schedule meant he had to wait an hour for his key.
Have I got all the information correct?
If I have, it seems to me this relationship has a one way street, and its all going his way.
His not wanting to lend you a key is understandable, as he said, you don't live together. Okay, so we know where you stand on the key issue.
Ask him what the solution is, tell him you would prefer to go back to how it was, if it looked like schedules would clash you don't sleep over. Easy!
You are being too compliant, while I am sure its nice to be wanted most nights of the week, its not so nice to consider how he doesn't seem to care if that inconveniences you.
Put the ball in his court, and stick to your guns. I think a few weeks of not having you at his beck and call most nights of the week might have him reconsidering his reasons for not lending you a key.
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