A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I a guy, just turned 32 last month, and I've never had sex. The thing is, I have a sex drive, and I want to have sex, but I'm the kind of person who does not want to have sex with just anyone; I only want to have sex with a woman I am truly and completely in love with. You could say I'm waiting 'till marriage, but I would have it with a woman I was engaged to; it's not about tradition, or waiting until marriage, really--it's about only having it with someone I'm really in love with. I actually came really close once (and I mean CLOSE--one layer of clothing left between us), but decided not to, because I wasn't sure if I really loved her. She broke up with me the next day, because she wanted sex, and I wouldn't give it to her unless we were at least engaged.That's the thing. I've dated several women, believe me (I'm decent looking, and have a good job, and have two advanced degrees already, and working towards PhD at the moment). Yet, ever since my mid-20s, every time I get close to a woman (close enough to talk about sex), ever time I tell them that I'm a virgin, or even if I don't say that explicitly, and tell them that I'm waiting 'till I'm either married or know that the relationship would lead to marriage, she breaks up with me. This has happened at least four times since 2003.I don't even care if she's not a virgin, and I make that clear when we discuss things, but I don't know why women seem to keep freaking out and wanting to get rid of me when they find out that I've never had sex. I've been to Europe and Las Vegas, and so I've had the opportunity to visit a prostitute to "get it over with." But, I'm just not able to do that, because sex means more to me than "just sex."I don't feel like I'm a "sad sack" case, and don't want people to feel sorry for me, and the LAST thing I want to hear is, "It will happen some day." I really want a meaningful relationship, I want to get married, I want to have children. But, it seems like I'm in a Catch 22 situation: I'm not able to have sex without being in love, and every time I get close to a woman, she rejects me for never having had sex.Any advice? It seems sometimes that I'm the last person of my generation who's still a virgin.
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broke up, engaged, prostitute, sex drive, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Hey yep i am an 18 year old girl (so a few years younger - so even less people wanting to wait :s) and i also want to wait until i am at least engaged so nope you are not on your own - i will admit that there are very few people wanting to wait until marrage - but they are out there!
and WHEN you find them they will truly deserve you and it will have been definitely worth the wait!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I don't think waiting til marriage is "admirable" or the women who rejected you are not "worth it". One's sexual activity is one's personal choice, and I place no judgment seeing it's all about the individual's personal values and priorities. For many, part of discovering and getting close to each other is sexual intimacy and sexual incompatibility can put a strain on even the best of relationships. Also, if you are getting physical with women and stopping just before you guys "do the do" (as another poster pointed out), someone might think you have psychological problems or hangups. All told, just not there's nothing wrong with you waiting til you feel ready, there's nothing wrong with women who feel physical intimacy is important to getting to know someone. This is just something you have to deal with for making an aberrant life choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I've the same problem, although I'm still 18. I'm said to be a very attractive girl and that makes the boys want me just for sex: they meet me, they try to score a goal, I say no and then they are pissed off and call me names. Even if we've been dating for some months. I did some stuff in the past (never the whole thing) and after it I felt terribly guilty about having been convinced to do something that runs counter to my values.
I've never hidden the fact that I'm a virgin because I'm not ashamed of it, yet it seems to be a problem (and sometimes something scaring) nowadays. I just want to find a boy who really loves me and for whom I feel the same way in order to take the sex step. I find doing it with someone you're not deeply in love very shallow. No one is OK with waiting and I often feel like if I had nothing to offer but my body. It's a horrible feeling.
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A
female
reader, Mizz G +, writes (6 January 2011):
They need more men like in this world . Your the kind of guy am lookin for i wish i knew some men like you a "TRUE GENTLEMAN"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): People who don't have any respect for you because you are a virgin do not deserve any respect for themselves as well. There are plenty (but rare) of young women who are interested or prefer to date men who are still a virgin. I am one.
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A
male
reader, als77  +, writes (5 January 2011):
It seems like society today does not accept virginity... I am a 33-year old virgin and, unfortunately, think that sex should not be shared with anyone.
Even though you say that it does not matter if your GF have had sexual experience, I guess she still would feel uncomfortable if she have had many sexual partners. Although I don't argue about virginity with my friends, some of them have "attacked" my point of views clearly being offended (to the surprise of my other friends...). Maybe it is the same with your GF? At some level I think that most people agree that sex is not "just sex", because very few people accept cheating (although there is a huge difference between sexual experience in a former relationship and being unfaithful!).
Some may also worry that you will marry them because of your sexual urge (i.e. to early) and not because you love them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I agree with you, you should wait till your married to have sex. I had sex before I was 18(I'm 18 now) but the guy it lost my vig. to was the love of my life and we are now engaged other wise I don't think I would have done it, but I got pregnant which we were not planning and that is another good reason not to. Just stick to your ideas there are many amazing girls who are the same and would love to date/marry you. Everything happens for a reason, good luck!
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A
female
reader, sailorsoldier +, writes (4 January 2011):
 If they reject you for something like that, they're not worth it. They don't really care about you if they don't respect your wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): They may feel that you won't respect them when you find out that they have had 1, 5, 10, 20 sexual partners.
They may also worry that you aren't going to be a keeper sexually, and will not want to have sex AFTER marriage either...which does happen.
Lots of reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Do you think its fair you build up to sex with these women but then stop at the last minute? I would dump you too. You lead them on thinking you love them if you are taking it so far there is only one layer of clothing and then reject them. Therapy, maybe?
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A
female
reader, MTT +, writes (4 January 2011):
I can tell, I ever wanted someone like you. It seems its very rare. I admire your attitude. You don´t need to have Sex to feel very close to someone. I can´t have Sex without Love either. What you have is very precious.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (4 January 2011):
Unfortunately in this day and age, holding out for sex is not that common, but that is not to say it is wrong. In fact it is admirable.
Your problem is that in today's society, sex is so easily put out and is rife among young (and getting younger) people.
Years ago, with different generations, sex would be considered more sacred, more important and people waiting to have sex would not be seen as unusual.
But you shouldn't change your ways as there are other people out there like you, you just have to find them.
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A
female
reader, Erin_Louise +, writes (4 January 2011):
They just obviously are not the women for you. your waiting for a good reason and you will find that women who can wait if she really wants to be with you. that women will find you and you will be happy she will wait if she wants you enough and I am sure there is someone who will be right for you, you just have to be patient.
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