A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all...I've been dating the girl of my dreams since late 07. She and I had a struggle last summer, but we worked through it and we got together again, and got even closer and more intimate.We are a long-distance relationship, so one stress on us has always been when we'll be able to see each other next, for how long, how much it will cost, etc.We were doing fine - occasional arguing but nothing really major - until last week. In fact, the change in situation was extremely sudden, and still shocks me to this day, I still can't believe it changed so quickly.We got into a huge fight over the fact that our next planned visit turned out that it wasn't going to work. Basically, my sadness and hurt turned to anger, and I started really ripping into her. I tried to blame everything on her in my pain. I couldn't take it. I brought up last summer and the pain I'd felt then. I shoved it back in her face, accusing her of hurting me again and again.Through all the fighting, she eventually said it was getting too much and she just wanted to take a short break - a couple days maybe - to give us time to cool off and relax. Being already extremely worked up, hurt and angry, I basically said "no way, if that's what you want, good bye forever."She immediately switched her tune - begging and crying for me not to drop her out of my life - but the damage was done (to me) and I told her that it needs to be this way - that I can't take another breakup.the next day, we tried to talk, but ended up arguing again - we were both still very hostile. At this point it was pretty established we were broken up again. She told me she still loves me but just can't take it anymore - she said she feels hurt, damaged and ruined, and she needs some time off. Eventually, we decided to go. She said "i love you" and we left. I never returned the "I love you" because I was still hurting.Well the next day, reality sank in. I'd just dumped a girl I'm crazy about, who I love with all my heart and more. Throughout our relationship, we'd talked of marriage, moving together, etc. and couldn't wait for it all to happen, so we could just be together, and not have distance to worry about.On the next two days we have some text conversations, she told me she didn't want to rush back into a relationship, that she was making plans to move out of her parents and live near home (until the fight, she'd planned to move to me - I'm about 800miles away), and that she is hurt but her feelings haven't gone away. In our last convo, I asked her if there's ever a way we'd work it out and be ok again, and she said "I hope so." I said I had faith in us and that we'd pull through, and that I love her. She didn't respond. I haven't heard from her since. It's now been a week.I sent her an E-mail yesterday, apologizing for my actions, telling her that I understand her feelings and that i know she just needs some time, but that I'm still here and would love to talk to her. She hasn't responded or contacted me.In all the time of reflecting, I've understood more about myself and why I got that way - mostly, because I still live near my family, and they still have a grasp on me - they put a fear into me that I acted out with on her. I understand this now and know that things must change.A while back, she'd asked if I could move to be near her for at least a year, then we'd talk together about what to do - but I never accepted that (fear of family again). She expressed to me a lot that she felt if she moved here we'd be stuck serving my family (she's right), and I never accepted that either, simply saying once she got here it'd be fine. So now, I want to make the move, to go live near her. I learned that I have to separate from family the hard way and I'm prepared to do it. I'm just afraid that the relationship is so damaged that she may not accept this proposal warmly, and instead may see it as manipulation or desperation.She'll be leaving her parent's place this summer. Since it's an LDR and her parents aren't really that fond of me (nothing personal, just typical father-against-dating stuff) I won't have a chance to see her for at least two months. And plus the fact that she's ignoring me is driving me insane. (This is after she told me she could never push me away, never stop talking to me, because I'm too much a part of her life.) I know I've ruined her trust in me, and she feels I don't give a **** about her. I know she feels the relationship was one-sided. I know that she feels she is alone in the world, that nobody will truly ever care about her. Is there still a chance for us? Is there still hope that somehow, if I make the move, she'll realize my commitment to our relationship and we'll be able to talk it out and work through it together? Or have I basically screwed up her ability to trust me for good?Honestly, I'd like a girl's perspective on trust violation - what do girls want a guy to do, to rebuild the trust? how can a guy show his girl with all honesty and truthfulness that he's sorry, and he's willing to work for the relationship?Do I have any hope of getting the love of my life back? thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): rorowes, thanks for your reply... The past week of soul searching has helped me realize exactly what you have just told me. I fear that right now, however, asking that question pretty much guarantees to send her running. For the past month, my dad has lived with me - long story, but basically he had surgery, and my parents insisted he live with me and I neglected to refuse.This put her seriously on edge, as it drastically reduced our communication. We went from a few hours a day to as little as minutes a day. And if she ever expressed she was feeling hurt about it, I told her I have to care for my family because the old motto goes "family comes first."The reason I say I feel it is a trust problem, is because she's trusted me to be good to her, to love her, to not hold myself against her and simply share with her, let her help, etc. rather than blaming and taking things out on her constantly.So I guess this comes back to my question. Girls, as a female, how would you take the following situation, and what would you expect:* Long distance boyfriend who's been blowing you off for family most of the time, fighting with you about it other times* A lot of your own stress in life (college, etc)* You feel unappreciated, that your boyfriend has been blaming you lately for things going wrong in not only the relationship but his own life* You feel hurt, betrayed and let down, and yes, angry at your bf for doing this to you. You feel really betrayed that he basically threatened you that if a break is going to happen, it's a forever break.* If your boyfriend (ex) asks you now about things, you say "i don't know, we will have to see." or "i won't say that we will go out again." You present no certainty to him whatsoever in any way. Would you even give your boyfriend another chance... if so, what would you expect from him, and how long would you need to wait to get over the pain before you might be receptive to talking about repairing the relationship...
A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (21 March 2009):
 Youv'e alreasy admitted that you take your problems out on her. Your parents are too much of an influence on your decisions. There are other jobs out there. You need to start growing up, and the first step to that is to detatch your money making from your family. You would have to if you move anyway. Ask her point blank. If you move to be with her, will she accept it? I wouldn't make tha big of a move if you're not sure of your future with her. I don't think it was a thing of trust. You hurt her, by not putting her first. Work on that. I hope I was helpful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Update: She texted me. Long convo.
She more or less said she has no idea what's going to happen. She can't say we won't be together but she can't say we will be.
I've heard lots of relationship gurus say never take this stuff seriously - even if girls flat out say it's over, don't believe them - but it's hard not to when you're in the midst of it
I don't think a simple apology is going to cut it, but i'm afraid doing anything more is setting me up for more hurt and pain when she rejects me all over again...
Does anyone have any more advice??
thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): No there was no infidelity on my part. I have never cheated on her, and never ever planned to. I'm very faithful at the heart, but I just have some anger and personal issues mostly stemming from family that do need to be addressed.
A visit is possible in about 2 months from now. That's about the earliest it could be. I am definitely very afraid that she won't talk to me now.
I think what I've lost is her trust that I will love her. Through our relationship, she's said so many sweet loving things to me. She wrote me an entire 20-page letter describing all of the amazing things she loves about me. It was one of the most heart-felt things I've ever read.
But when I got upset with things in my own life, I'd take it out on her. My family believes she's too young for me, that she isn't going to be faithful, etc. and basically, for whatever reason, I listen. I think I listen because I'm afraid of my family's reaction to my defiance of their opinion. (I actually work for my mom, and she has been none too shy about threatening to take my work away if I do something she despises.)
This is why I feel a move MUST happen. After all the fighting and excuses I've made, I do feel this time that I need to be the one to make the first major sacrifice and move to her.
Do you think she needs cooling-off time? I know she's angry and hurt by all the arguing and fighting, but this not contacting me thing has me driven up the wall! I just can't imagine she'd give up on me *like that* - the last talk we had, she said she hopes we can work it out - and now she won't talk?
admittedly I haven't made much attempt to contact HER but I guess I'm afraid of how she'll react.
Thanks for the advice, keep it coming...
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Hey there,Sorry to hear about all the troubles you've been having, I figured i'd put my two cents in because I'm in a LDR and I'm female! haha. Sounds like you said some stuff you really didn't mean, did you tell her that? I think that if my boyfriend did that to me, i'd be bitter about it for a long time. It hurts to know that the person you're with could just up and leave you whenever they feel like it. We already know it but to be so close to that really freaks us out. Is a visit possible? It really sounds like you two need to do some good old mending face to face, or try giving her a call.. it's more personal than an email, and can't be as easily ignored. I definitly would keep persisting, shes probably holding out to see how much you care, unless shes really done with you.It scares me that she hasn't talked to you in a week, try and get a hold of her! soon!I hope I've been a little bit of help, and I hope all goes well!
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Phew, I tought you were gonna say you had cheated or something. Those kinds of lost trust issues take hard work and time to work through. What I see happening here is the same thing I see in 90% of long didtant relationships. You love eachother sooo much, yet are making little effort to move to the next level. I'm not talking marriage, I'm saying stop making excuses as to why you two can't be closer to eachother. It isnt just you, it's her as well. It's always because of family, or work, or school, ect. The real issue is fear of this relationship actually working out when you do make that leap into coming closer together. I don't think you lost her trust, but perhaps she is thinking it isnt worth that leap if it won't work out anyway. You love her, make the effort. If she puts in equal effort, it should work out beautifully, if not, then it isn't worth it. Good luck, hope I have helped alittle:)
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