A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is having a major crisis and it's deeply affecting our relationship.First of all, we've been dating over 2 years. We have discussed serious matters - possible marriage, living together, etc. She just found out that her mom may have cancer. It's not for certain, but the tests are scheduled, and the planning is already being done by the doctors should it occur. It does sound like it's likely that she has it.Understandably, this is deeply upsetting her. And I completely understand that.But it's bringing her to a point of saying that she's not sure if she can go on with the relationship. The reasons she's giving are things like "this has opened me up to realizing how close I am to my family, and I've been neglecting them for our relationship before, and I can't live with myself if I keep doing that and something happens to my mom."Her family was a contention point for a while, but we had worked through most of those issues. Part of the problem is that her family doesn't really accept anyone she dates. It's not a me-specific issue. It's everyone she's ever dated. Her mom is very overprotective and, under the guise of caring for her, ridicules her and warns her about dating even to unreasonable extremes. So this was a point of argument for us a lot, but we had agreed that we would slowly try to integrate me more into her family, maybe from another angle, like another family member who doesn't have as much of an issue with me. Either way, it was a process I was willing to take slowly with her.Her emotions are clearly all over the place. At one point during a single conversation she was ready to break up with me. Five minutes later she was saying she can't leave me because she loves me. Another ten later and she's going off on me saying I don't care about her family. Even later, she started saying she isn't even sure if she "ever" wants to be in a serious relationship, or "Ever" wants to get married or be serious. Basically, I can accept that this is very hard for her and that it's reasonable that her emotions are scrambled. But I am really worried about her actually breaking up with me. Since it kept coming up, and it was wrapped around a "can't give to a relationship" thing, I'm worried that the stress of dealing with her parents is going to push her over the edge.Me, as a boyfriend, feel that my role in this kind of situation is to support her, be there for her when she needs to talk, etc. and to not pressure her about trivial matters while things are going on. And I've been doing exactly that. She hasn't shown a lot of outright anger towards me. She's instead showing a feeling of helplessness - understandable - and letting it spill over into our relationship.At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to psychoanalyze my girlfriend, what I feel is going on is that she feels helpless that she can't do anything for her mom if she truly is sick, and thus she's feeling helpless as a person as a whole, which is affecting her self-esteem, which in turn is bringing her to believe she can't be a good girlfriend.The thing is, we've had a rocky relationship; earlier this year we had some rough patches where I even worried it may not work out. But in the past month or two, she's been so much more attentive and caring towards me. She has spent more time with me, called me and texted me more often, and even been a lot more attentive to my life than she really ever has been. I of course reciprocated by promising to not be as upset if she does have to cancel plans, or doesn't have time to call me on one or two days, and have kept this promise. She even told me that she was so much happier with me lately.I almost feel like it was a calm before the storm now...What should I do? I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to see her alienate not only me but her other friends over this. Having been through losing a close friend to cancer myself, and having watched both my parents go through serious medical issues (and make it through), I know exactly what she's feeling. But I kind of feel like these are the times when the people close to you are most important...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I lost my mom to cancer when I was 35. I was told then that I was too young to lose my mom and I did not get it. Now at 53 I sure do get it. Your GF is in her early 20s and is entirely too young to lose her mother.
I was not married when my mom got sick (and she lived out of state) and I was not in a relationship. I am sure if I had been my boyfriend would have had to become the most patient guy on the planet. During the time my mother was dying (sadly only about 10 months) I was USELESS as an employee, a co-worker, a mother, a friend, I was NOTHING but a daughter. And I was a grieving daughter... I also had to be support for my FATHER who was losing his wife and partner of many years. Thank goodness my children's father was incredibly supportive and helpful with my sons at this time.
NOTHING but family mattered at this time. And those friends who were like family and supportive were also a huge help.
Tell her that you understand and you love her and don't want to lose her and you know you need to give her space and let her come to you when she needs and wants you. This will be very hard for you.
Do not be a doormat for her but cut her some latitude.
There is huge difference between losing a friend to cancer and losing a parent. And having parents with serious but manageable medical conditions (I have a father with several of those and I have degenerative disc disease myself) is WAY different than looking at the potential loss of your mother as you know her. If it is cancer, then there is all the treatment that may or may not work and those treatments change the person being treated and the nature of the relationships with others. Parents become child like... children become care takers... even if the parent survives and pulls through, the shadow of what occurred always hangs over your head.
you do not hear of fatherless sons but there is a huge movement for motherless daughters... even those of us who are over 18.... a google search for motherless Daughters (in addition to the book) will bring up many support groups..... while hopefully your GF won't need them I want you to be aware of the HUGE IMPACT losing your mother before you are ready has on a woman.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 If you don't want to lose her, you'll back off, keep a low profile and let her do whatever she needs to do, while you keep your wits about you, never withdraw your support no matter what , and avoid guilt tripping her for not being the attentive caring gf that you expect her to be. Yeah, it would take a lot patience and selflessness. Only you can decide if she is worth it. I can see where she 's coming from, and why would she consider breaking up although still loving you. I don't want to accuse you of being needy or high maintenance when I don't know you at all and I have no proof of that, but from your post we can at least say that you like your relationship / your Gf better when she shows you lots of care of attention. You want to spend plenty of time with her, you want to text often, it was a bone of contention if she had to reschedule plans or even if she just stayed one day or two without calling you. Well, it's obvious that she can't, and does not want to commit, to maintain the same level of care of attention while she has a seriously ill mother. Some cancer patients recover - and some don't, and anyway it's going to be a bumpy ride whether she recovers or not. Your Gf does not want to have to worry about your feelings and your minimum required of text and calls, when she knows all her focus and her strength will be on her mom. She knows she often won't have the time, the mood, the will, to be with you the way you are used, while she is dealing with fear and sadness about her mom, and while she may have to assist her during debilitating cycles of therapy. She knows this is not the right moment to integrate you more in a family that apparently does not quite love you to bits. And, as for her mom being ridicolously overprotective, well, right now maybe she would WANT to be ridicolously overprotected, or ,actually, indulge her mom by letting her do her " fiercely territorial mom " gig. With a cancer diagnosis it's hard keeping things in perspective and being rational and optimistic. Deep down one has always the fear that things might go majorly wrong, and that these may be the last years or months or even weeks that you are spending with your loved one. So you want to give your loved one tons of time- and all the ease of doing that very same things you were mad at them for doing when they were healthy ( like, being ridicolously overprotective ), if they need these things to feel better.I am also not accusing of being a bad, egocentric bf- I really am not. But, I find meaningful , and interesting, that , with all your disclaimers about how you know what it means having a seriously ill parent and/ or losing someone to cancer... no, you actually really don't get what she may feel and have in mind. Otherwise you would not be here fretting " What about me, what about me ? " Not that it is wrong or unnatural for you to think this way. But, if she is as close to her family as you describe, you can't really compare. There can be many boyfriends and many relationships in a lifetime, there is and there always be only ONE mom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Let me start off by saying, I absolutely understand where you are coming from and your analysis of what your girlfriend is feeling--helpless, which is affecting her self-esteem, and thus her faith in the relationship--is 100% correct, and very insightful of you.I know this, because I was in this situation, except I was the girlfriend pushing my boyfriend away and doing exactly what she is doing to you. My grandmother had become very ill, and it affected my entire family. I felt helpless, stressed, alone, and uncertain about everything in my life. My relationship with my boyfriend seemed suddenly unimportant and almost selfish in comparison with the idea of losing my grandmother.I felt I could not give him enough of my attention to be a proper girlfriend during this time, yet I also felt guilty for it, and thus the relationship became a strain for me--I felt it tied me down and I could not properly grieve, and I wanted to be rid of it.My boyfriend reacted as you did--scared that I would really break up with him, and tried constantly to reassure me that he would be there for me. My emotions were all over the place, but I suppose what made me realize the important of him through my pain was something quite simple. He said "I understand you're going through a lot right now, but I need you. I will listen to anything on your mind, and comforting you comforts me."I suggest that you take a step back from your girlfriend for a day or two, really think about your relationship, and then write her an email. Keep it brief, but be sure to state something similar to the following "I am 100% ready to stand behind you during this painful ordeal in your life, and if you need someone to listen, I will always be there for you."Send her little notes of encouragement as the days go by. She may not want to talk some days, and thats okay. Just dont let her feel alienated. Keep the connection between the two of you alive through those little notes and thoughts.Your girlfriend does not really want to leave you. I can assure you, if she did break up with you one day, it would be based purely one emotion and stress, and she would regret it almost immediately. Keep that in mind if you feel anxious during a conversation where this seems likely. I got through my grief, and my boyfriend and I are still together. She is going through a bad time, and you sound like a good guy--I am certain you two will make it through. :)
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