A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi folks, hoping somebody can offer some persepctive in this.I've just found out this morning that my GF had a one night stand with a creep from her work who had been trying it on with her for a while.We were going through a rough patch, she has an alcohol problem that she wasn't dealing with, so I stormed out and said I didn't want to be with her anymore.During that period (at most 48hrs) she got drunk and slept with this guy.Anyway, it wasn't long until we were back together, back to normal - but she never mentioned it.I know that, if it was me, then depsite everything there's no way I could have even looked at another woman for weeks, let alone sleep with somebody so quickly afetrwards.Anybody any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Stop making exuses for her! I'm an alcoholic (I quit 6 years ago). You did the right thing when you stormed out. She F'd up and she'll keep F'ing up as long as she keeps drinking.
An alcoholic won't quit (if ever) until they hit bottom. She hasn't hit bottom yet, and you are just helping her along on her ride down right now. Don't F around with this shit, it'll suck you in. She's the one who needs to deal with it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Is what she did normal? Yeah.
Is what she did understandable? Yeah.
Do you have any obligation to be okay with it? Hell no.
If you don't want to be with her then don't be with her. Her values are not unusual but they clearly don't match yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Alcohol combined with rejection.
Two very destructive things that lead to all sorts of issues.
Alcoholism is a DISEASE and is GENETIC, you CANNOT GET RID OF IT EVEN IF YOU STOP DRINKING FOR 25 YEARS IT IS STILL THERE.
Alcohol abuse and dependence are two different things, BUT CAUSE THE SAME PROBLEMS, but in this case you need to realize what you are dealing with.
Is her father or mother an alcoholic or a heavy drinker? Were they when she was a child? What other aspects of her childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood do you really know.
If you want to be with her, go to AA meetings with her, read this book. You will find out more about her than you ever realized.
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=acoa+sourcebook&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=3390029541&ref=pd_sl_wxkfjm57y_b
And, understand why people drink, and what happens when people drink.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
If she won't talk, won't quit drinking, won't accept that she has a problem, won't go to meetings, then you don't have a relationship with her anyway. Your relationship with the person drinking is not real, it is a relationship with and intoxicated brain that is dysfunctional.
My wife is an alcoholic, yet I never saw her drunk, not once in 20 years. She hid it always.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 The alcoholism is the real issue here. I had a friend who succumbed to the disease; she could not/would not get the help she so desperately needed and ultimately died far too young. She's been gone now for almost 5 years and she's missed so much in life. I have to admit I'm still angry with her for that.
Your girlfriend is gearing up to have this kind of life tragedy and if you two are not married or fully committed I would say for the sake of your own sanity get out of the relationship. She's thrown enough red flags that you need to pay attention.
Sometimes people need to sink so low they seek help. Your girlfriend has sunk so low and still won't get help? Sometimes people sink so low you can't imagine they WOULDN'T get help, but they don't. And they die.
I learned a very difficult life lesson from my friend, and I will share it with you. Love does not conquer all. No, it does not. Love can try, but not every ending is a happy one, not everyone gets the help they need, not everyone is saved through the power of love.
My friend was a deeply religious and devout person, and her faith didn't save her either. She died despite being with a loving man, having a loving and caring family, with many friends who loved and appreciated her. None of that mattered in the end.
In the end, the disease took my friend. And unless your girl gets help, she's going to wind up in worse and worse predicaments, until perhaps one day she gets so drunk she vomits while she's passed out and aspirates that vomit and suffocates while she's lying there out cold.
I cannot tell you all the things that people did to try to save my friend from the disease, but she simply couldn't take that step to get the professional help she needed. She thought she could do it on her own. She couldn't.
Your girlfriend has shown you over and over again that she has a severe problem, the disease, condition, whatever you want to call it. She is an alcoholic. If you want to see what life is like with alcoholics, drop in on an Al-Anon meeting and just listen to some of the stories. Hair-raising, eye-opening, awful stories.
You aren't married, you haven't fully committed to her. If you were my friend, I would advise you to distance yourself from her, break up with her. Tell her why and then get out. She needs to seek help, you can't fix this, she can't fix this. Get out while you can. Maybe this will be the impetus she needs to get help, but if it is not, you won't have to be there to pick out the coffin or hold her hand in the hospital while she recovers from yet another alcohol-poisoning event.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I agree with serenity80, this is too much. This straw is the back breaker.
I disagree with those who say she did nothing wrong. You had an argument about drinking and what does she do to solve that? She goes back to the bottle then goes and shags some creep.
So instead of choosing to stop drinking and try to solve the issue she gets blasted instead both by the alcohol and this guy from work.
Alcohol is more important to her than your relationship, not only that but look at what she does to solve your problems, she goes off and looks for comfort in the penis of another guy. No thanks.
Like serenity80 I too have had similar experiences with alco partners. You really just can't trust them at all. First off they do absolutely stupid crap while drunk and the drink changes them into bitter incoherent weirdos. I mean it becomes their solution to everything. Even if they give up, any kind of stress any kind of rough patch and they get very thirsty. They have a drink and they go off and do things like sleep with other guys or get arrested for fighting (like my ex).
To top this all off she works with this guy, he's been trying it on for a while and she didn't give him the "fuck off buddy I'm taken" at all. I actually don't get how he could be "trying it on for a while". It's very easy to get guys like that to stop but she didn't, so she kept that door open on purpose and actually used him to get revenge on you. I don't buy all this crap about him taking advantage or her being in an emotional state. She used him to get back at you, plain and simple.
Your girlfriend is an alcoholic that runs away from her problems and instead of fighting to get you back or make things right she went off and slept with another guy. You now know what she is capable of, so now you have to think back to all the times you and she had an argument and she went off out and got wasted because she could have done the same thing then, she also will do this kind of thing again in the future because as the others said she's just weak mentally and emotionally. You can't trust her anymore and if I were you I'd get checked for STI's.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Thanks so much for all the replies - I'm really touched.
I realise the error of my ways in this episode as well.
I shouldn'y have stormed off and said that it was over and I understand her position at the moment of her being single so why not?
The alcohol is, of course, a key part in all this as well.
The reason we had the arguement was that she was drinking constantly and was refusing to get help.
I was scared for the relationship because of this and probably reacted in the wrong way.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Technically she didn't do anything wrong, if that's what you're implying. You stormed out and after a bitter argument she turned to alcohol and then sex to feel happy. You got back together and everything is fine. My guess is that this peace will only last so long.
If this relationship is ever going to work, you need to know if she loves you and if she's willing to deal with her alcoholism for you otherwise, this relationship is going to be more trouble and heartache than its worth.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Most of the women I know use sex as a way to get over a guy.
She must of thought you two had broken up and knew that this creepy guy liked her so she used him to try and get over you.
By the way, if she hasn't told you that she's slept with him, how do you know that they have?
Now you're back together she will just put that incident behind her as a drunken mistake and so should you.
I know it's hard to that but if you really like this woman then you should give it a go.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Oh dear. This sounds like one of those really tragic series of events. As much as you might take the moral high ground "I would never do what you did" well that's actually pretty irrelevant because you're two different people and her way of dealing with things isn't and shouldn't be expected to be the same as yours.
Women who have issues relating to emotional problems (of which the alcohol is a symptom) if feeling damaged and hurt can easily end up having sex in the way your girlfriend did. Men are different, they don't just get drunk, be smooth talked and then "let themselves" be fucked.
Your mistake was rejecting her when she actually needed you. Her mistake was not respecting her body.
My opinion, no way there is any going back from this. I actually was in exactly your situation about 10 years ago. This girl I was with, lovely girl, but just didn't have enough confidence in herself and made what I found shocking choices. It would always be blamed on being drunk, being hurt, having no confidence, being used. But at the end of the day, she simply did not have the right morals and values I needed in someone. It was a painful and messy time for me, because despite her issues, I did love her. Having said that, it ended up being the best series of events that happened to me. I moved on, and found someone far better that simply wouldn't resort to such disgusting decisions. It was a lucky escape for me, and I hope she went on to learn from her mistakes and ended up OK.
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