A
female
age
30-35,
*MBx
writes:I've been in a (lesbian) relationship with a girl for almost a year now. She lets me touch her and bring her to orgasm, but she wont touch me. We kiss and her hands will brush my back and hair, but nowhere else. We've talked about it a great deal and she says that she just frezes up and is scared of dissappointing me. I've told her she could never dissappoint me and that she's beautiful. She says she'll try harder, but nothing changes. It's very frustrating. I feel like she doesn't want me, that she must find me repulsive. She knows and says that she is attracted to me. I love her, but I'm at my wits end. What can I do to make her feel comfortable enough with me to not freeze up, but instead to want to touch me enough to do it?
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male
reader, DeadTwitch  +, writes (31 July 2010):
I also have this problem, though I am a male. All I can say is keep Asking her. And as with the first answerer, this is not right. She should at least try... Maybe fall to her about all of your concerns and have her explain why she won't. Best of wishes to you both!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Tell her to do it. Let her freeze up while doing it, when she pulls her hand away, put it back there and make her finish. Then the next day do it again. The only way she will become comfortable doing it is by doing it! If you tell her it's okay to not do it she's going to fall into a rut where the idea of doing it at all will make her pull back. She's probably already in this rut, and getting her out of there will be so much harder now than if you had just made her touch you from the very beginning.
She loves not having to do anything in bed and just receive. Who wouldn't. But sex is about giving as well as taking and she's being selfish, very very selfish in bed. Her being afraid to disappoint you is just excuses, tell her that you're already quite disappointed after a YEAR without her bothering to touch you. Turn the tables and say that from now on you wont do down on her unless she goes down on you. Maybe that will make her get off her bum and put in some efforts.
Im usually strongly against a tit-for-tat strategy, but after a year this is insanity. How long are you going to compromise yourself? Even slaves in a master/slave relationship gets more attention in the bedroom than you do. Its not a joke. And Im not trying to be mean, I hope that will help you put things in perspective. You're not being "nice" to her by waiting for her to be more comfortable with touching you or whatever. You're letting her off the hook and treating her like a goddess while she doesnt lift a finger. And after a year Im sure she's pretty comfortable with her position as a goddess. Pull her back to earth!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): i think sometimes girls who haven't had a lot of experience with other girls tend to freak out because they maybe don't know what's expected of them sexually. more so than with boys, girls tend to differ in what they enjoy and so there's more pressure in trying to pleasure a girl.
from personal experience, i find it easier to try new things when me and my partner are already into it and turned on, as you feel less self conscious than when you're initiating things.
your girlfriend is probably just feeling insecure. try initiating things then when you're both getting hot, gently guide her hands onto your body and show her what you want her to do.
maybe she would find genital contact less scary than touching you with her hands, as you'll both be moving together.
however you approach it, make sure the mood is relaxed, perhaps with dimmed lighting and mood music, and ensure that you're not going to be interrupted. good luck.
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