A
male
age
41-50,
*he Coyote
writes:(Sorry if this is too long. If you just want to know what I’m talking about jump to the last 2 paragraphs.)I’m in a (very) long distance relationship with a girl for about 4 months now and we’re planning to meet in her city in 1 month. She’s a lovely, beautiful and intelligent girl, and I want a real and meaningful relationship with her.She’s immature, though, is in her early 20’s, and I’m almost 10 years older, but I believe I can handle that. I have only a specific problem which is driving me nuts: most times she is too immersed in the relationship; other times she withdraws completely, as far as not answering any of my messages or phone calls.There were 2 or 3 times when she withdrew and I believed she was trying to manipulate me. So I ignored her and in a matter of days she came back as if nothing had happened and giving some lame excuse. In the last one of those 2 or 3 times, which happened a month ago, I treated her coldly when she came back. She then stood online for 2 whole days waiting for me to reinitiate contact, after which she started making trouble on her FB page to get my attention. I eventually gave in because I saw she was throwing shit at the fan and could make the situation irreversible.A week ago, however, she withdrew again. One afternoon she was treating me like we was in love for years. The following morning I sent an SMS and she didn’t answer. I made a few attempts at calling her, got a short cold message with a lame excuse the next day, but then she ignored the next message I sent. So now I’m ignoring her completely.I’m feeling the problem is not manipulation any more. Short before that episode she told me something along the lines of “I dreamed with you today and felt it was real. I think I’m trouble.” Previously she had said she had some fear about our relationship and was not willing to tell which one, but now it’s more obvious it’s the fear of falling in love. And one more big red flag she raised about 2 months ago is that she believed 90% of people are *not* reliable. That, for me, is a sign of a very resentful person which, ultimately, is going to deceive everybody around her.It seems like I’m dealing with a love avoidant person. I’m really willing to help her and love her, and change her mind. I just don’t know how to act. If I’m right there’s a big chance she’s going to flake on our plan at meeting at the airport. I thought I should be more distant and not let her head jump into the relationship. Maybe it could prevent her from releasing the panic button? What are your thoughts? Is there any way I can help her?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 You should really consider why you are having this LDR with such a young immature woman. You say she is immature and yet your behavior is just as immature.
IF you believe she is trying to be manipulative, why are you playing games right back with her?
I did an LDR for a year. And an age gap too. He was 2 hours away from me and is 13 years younger than I am. I am a supporter of both AGE GAP and LONG DISTANCE relationships to the best of my ability.
In this case, I think you need to consider ending it. You view her as immature. Why do you want to be her parent if she is immature? You can’t love her POTENTIAL. You have to love and accept her where she is. If she changes then that’s a bonus but to love what she MAY become is not a good plan.
Sounds so much to me like you guys are just not a good fit.
A
male
reader, The Coyote +, writes (27 February 2012):
The Coyote is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the insightful answers. Some clarification:
I expressed myself wrongly when I say I ignore her. The only time I did retaliate ignoring her was during the two days before the FB trouble episode. The other times when I say I ignored her I meant I gave up trying to contact her, as I'm doing right now and believe is the correct way of dealing with the situation. But I recognise I shouldn't have retaliated even that single time.
What makes her behaviour more interesting is that *she* initiates most of the contact (about 90%, I believe), and she does so every day, up to 3 or 4 times a day. When I initiate contact I get some cold answer or no answer about 30% of the times, but this may be biased because I usually only initiate contact if she doesn't contact me for a day or so, and so I could be trying to contact her always when some issue has already set in. That's perplexing and I'm very curious to know what that behaviour means, although I'm aware that the initiative not being 50-50 is indicative of some problem.
Finally, I met her personally for a single night through a mutual friend last year, so she's not a total stranger I came across on some dating site. I friended her on FB and then we started talking about 3 months after that night.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 February 2012):
 This sounds like a very immature relationship on both ends. She ignores you, then you retaliate and ignore her. All of this sounds like a child's game and I think both of you are wasting time. If I were you, I wouldn't go visit, nor would I waste any more time on dating women that are not in the same area.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): she's 20... do you remember how 20 was?.. she prolly is being dictated by her emotions.. which could be anything at that age...it will take her at the least 3 years to mature and 2 more to understand herself...See first of all.. this is online.. so you know as much of her as I do... are you sure she is in love with you? .. do you think you will be compatible in real life?secondly.. do you think it will go further than one meeting.. like what are your plans after that.. will you shift base? will you start dating across miles?thirdly.. can you wait for 5 years ... for her to mature???Think about it.. all these questions can only be answered if you actually meet her and know her personally.. so before anything.. see if she is a legitimate person.. meet up with her.. see if you like her.. see if you two can make this relationship work.. can you wait for her till she matures.. ???Okay i hope this is insightful- umm.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I would not venture onto a plane to visit her at this stage. you need to have a chat about how and when u communicate. is she working..sometimes one cannot respond to calls..but the essence is u have to talk and arrange times to send txt messages..and make time.
it sounds like she is getting either cold feet or you have a push/pull relationship.
if u send her a txt...leave it.dont try to ring her.she got the txt the first time. wait 4 her response..you need to talk..if u are doing all the work..u r not in healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I think you're being way too sensitive and making too big a deal out of things.
She withdraws a couple times, and you jump to the conclusion that she's trying to manipulate you. Then another time things seemed to be going well then the next day she didn't answer one of your texts and it took her a day to return your calls. And you get mad and say she was giving a 'lame excuse' not to have called you or texted back sooner.
People cannot always be 100% available to their relationship partner. People can't always respond immediately when their partner calls or texts. People should be allowed the freedom NOT to have to jump the minute their partner calls or texts. maybe she feels smothered by you and that's why she's being avoidant. not to manipulate you, but to give herself the breathing space she needs.
If you're going to see her times of brief unavailability as "withdrawing" or as her intending to manipulate you, and use that as grounds to deliberately start playing games with her - i.e. treating her coldly the next time she does contact you - then you're also being every bit as manipulative as you accuse her of being.
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A
female
reader, amandang1208 +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Sorry, but this sounds to me like a girl who gets off keeping guys dangling. She loves that she has that control. She is probably working at least 3 guys at one time. When she is not answering you she is probably too busy trying to keep the other guys on her leash because she has been avoiding them, while doing the same thing to you. She sounds like a lonely big ugly girl to me that can't get anyone in real life. Go out and find you a real girl. You never know what you are going to get on the internet.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 I don't think it's a good idea to visit her when you have the slightest doubt that she could flake on you. You are too far away from her to confirm that she is love avoidant. It could be that she does not believe in long distance love and is finding a way to let you down. A way of saying it's not you it's her but obviously it's the distance that wouldn't work out for her. She shouldn't have started this and continued this with you so this long distance reason would not sound very convincing right now, that's why she has to find other negative reasons, which make her look like love avoidant.
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