A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Exhausted and tired of being so stressed out. I came to China to teach English but have come close to running out of money. It looks like I might have to leave in the next 3 weeks if I can't secure work. There's still a good chance that I can get work as I've lined up a few demo lessons.Anyway, things have been turning sour with my significant other. I've endured a lot of put-downs and her bad temper for the past 3 months but now it's reached a point where I cannot keep going. She'll forgive me after abusing me - one night she told me she wanted to break up with me and hated my guts (no longer wanted to marry me) then the next morning she was all sooky and trying to win back my affection. I sometimes find it hard to deal with the huge swings in her emotions.Last Friday she attended a teaching demo class with me and I performed quite poorly. All she could say afterwards is that she was thoroughly embarassed and thought I should give up and go back home rather than dragging things out...she wants to plan a future back in Australia. The idea is for me to establish myself in full time emplyment back home and save enough to support her when she comes back in a year or so.I let her down by not having dinner ready the night before last - she told me she would bring home some wheat and cuscous grains to cook with vegetables. Well I prepared some vegetables but couldn't think of what else to put with it (she didn't want rice, noodles, egg or meat). She took off to the bedroom. I continued to prepare the meal even though we had a huge argument over her cooking her own food from now on and being separate. This was a breaking point for me as I was harbouring a huge amount of stress about not being able to find work, running out of money, wanting to stay with her, wanting to pursue my dream of teaching english abroad. She came out and sent a couple of bowls flying, kept yelling at me and threatened to smash the entire kitchen up.The next morning (I didn't sleep anyway) I got up and tried to make breakfast to make it up to her. But she was working and had to leave in a hurry. So much for all of the food I prepared along with the nice rose. She bitterly said to me in a cold manner that she would rather grab some food at the bus station like she has been doing for the past 4 months and then relax before starting work. Five seconds later she kicks at the door to get in and yells at me that if I was really mature then I wouldn't have let her go outside without her jumper and umbrella. I was still shocked!Now I admit that what I did was wrong. I have been late to a few things in the past couple of months (trying to navigate the transport system at first). My lateness has been a problem for a while but I've been changing a lot and being a lot more organised.Then last night she went beserk. She was supposed to come home from her tours around 9pm. When I texted her to find out when she was coming home, she replied a while later to say 1am. I was concerned but tried not to think about it. I contacted a mate and asked him for some help with my teaching demo preparations (he's an established teacher with experience in teaching young kids). So I had a couple of beers with him around 10:30 and we got talking about everything. My gf rang me a few times. The first time I said I was at home (she was bored because she was waiting at the airport to drop off her tourists). Then she kept calling me to talk and I said I was going out for drinks with my mate and that I would be home around 12:30. Well, she rushed home to find me and of course I wasn't there. I had stupidly turned my phone off because she wouldn't stop calling after I said I was with my mate.I found out later that this guy is seen as a bit of a player (his ex-wife is Chinese). I don't know the full story about his past.So unknown to me, she had gone around to her ex's apartment to try and round up the number of my mate (since both the ex and my mate work together). Well, she was worried about me and where I was and completely lost it. She took a taxi to try and find me. I came home around 2am (I'd tried to contact her earlier but she had switched her phone off so I figured she got home and went to sleep)...Now sit down for the next part it's quite bad :-/ I found that she had trashed the apartment and gone completely hysterical whilst I was gone. I was so shocked! My clothes strewn everywhere and a couple of glasses and plates from the kitchen were smashed (she threatened to smash all of the plates the previous night in her anger and I had to physically hold her back to stop her). I found a couple of my clothes outside the door that's when I panicked and expected the locks to be changed. When I walked inside I nearly died. The colour drained from my face and I immediately panicked and tried to call my mate for help (because I couldn't see my gf anywhere). Next minute I hear strange laughter and then her yelling out to get off the phone. That scared the shit out of me. She was hiding on the bed the whole time.I cleaned up the mess after continuing our argument (I was so shocked that I at first asked her to explain why she did it - but at the same time trying to be careful in case she turned violent on me). She threw some more bottles of perfume (luckily they didn't break) after I tried to explain that I was just out having a couple of drinks...All of this came about because she couldn't find me. I thought maybe it had something to do with the fact she was worried about me cheating on her. Turns out that she just snapped because of my lateness all the time.Now I'm not certain of our future. I probably should have just packed and left there and then but I've resolved to stay on and continue to find work teaching. As for her, she was all apologetic in the morning and trying to kiss me. Asking for hugs. I don't want to hug her after what she has done. I'm worried about her state of mind. In fact, as this day wears on I'm beginning to think that maybe this situation is so bad that I should just pack up and return home. At one point she even asked me when I was returning to Australia...I know what I did was wrong. But I also know that it's not right to go around smashing up other people's property. She's acting very bizarre. After all that I did for her by supporting her and showing her plenty of love and affection, she turns around does this...Am I in denial. I think so. Last night I lied in bed thinking well she can't go anywhere else until her friend gets back - she doesn't know anyone else in this city. And hoped things would be back to normal. But now I'm so depleted of energy that I don't want to deal with it today. I can't kiss her. She tried to kiss me but I told her she should come to me to get affection. Something in me has changed and I don't see her the same anymore. I couldn't hug her for a while this morning. She was asking for sex at one point to try and make up for what she did. What the hell? How can I have sex with someone that just went crazy and threw all my clothes around and smashed the place up?I didn't sign up for this when I decided to come here to teach! I guess you don't know a person until you start to live with them...I understand her anger is justified. But the extent she took it out is beyond the realm of normal. She threatened me last night to leave. Then laughed and said she was sleeping with other men while she was seeing me (again a lie unless she was up to no good in the day). You may recall that I had trust issues previously - well everything was my own fault for not believing her. She has been with me every night and I know she's not the type of person to sleep around with other men.Ugh! Her hot and cold tempers are just too much. She wants a man that will cook for her. I can cook but not very well. Sometimes I have to improvise with whatever I can find (the foreign foods are a bit expensive).
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a break, ex-wife, her ex, money, player, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 March 2010):
you are doing the right thing to leave. It must be so painful for you to be going through this. Let us know when you get home. All the best.
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (10 March 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuiet-echo:
This was not meant to be a journal nor was I asking for approval to perpetuate a toxic cycle. I was simply telling what happened and asking for advice. I received that advice and have decided to act upon it.
I felt extremely bad for pushing her - but I'm not going to be so hard on myself about it! I know it's not who I am.
She didn't come home tonight (I'm not surprised). My bags are packed and the ticket will be booked tomorrow morning to return home. The parents said they will support me - esp. if I want to come back to China in 6 months time to keep pursuing teaching. They are just worried about my safety and well-being. Fair enough! I was in a cycle of anxiety, depression and going up and down too much. I won't accept a relationsip involving abuse or where the gf thinks it's ok to skip out overnight without contacting me (when he show was on the other foot, she went beserk over me spending a few hours away).
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (10 March 2010):
Awww honey, can't you see that she is mentally unstable? My uncle was married to a woman like this and he attempted suicide several times while married to her, used to blame himself for everything in the relationship. They had 5 kids together who he practically raised single handedly because she was too emotional to handle them. She had an addictive personality and she was later diagnosed as a manic depressive and is on medication. Some of the kids have the same mental problems as did many members of this woman's family. Anyway the point is you are being abused; yes women can be abusers too. Do you really want to be living on the edge of your seat for the rest of your life? Do you want any kids you have to be raised in this environment? I think just cut your losses and walk away from this one. You are in love with her and may take some time to heal but in time you will find the happiness you deserve.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (10 March 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHumidity here occassionally makes the apartment mouldy...it had nothing to do with the mess :P
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (10 March 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was harbouring a lot of resentment from what she did to me and trying to decide if I should move on. I vowed to try and forgive her last night. But this afternoon things boiled over when they shouldn't have.I sent her a text asking her if she had help clean the mess from last night's dinner. No reply. Sent her a message to say I was on the way home after my training.Got home and saw the place was a mess. Got upset about it. She explained that she cleaned all the mold up. So I thought great :) But the rest of the kitchen and lounge room were a hell of a mess. I wanted her to help me tidy up before she went to work seeing as we were both to blame for it...We kissed and everything seemed ok. Asked me to hang out her clothes for her and I agreed. I feel bad for pointing out the mold she missed. Anyway, I started to hang out her coat and water was still dripping from it - it started to drip all over her shoes that she had just washed and she yelled out at me 'what are you doing to my shoes?!?' I said it's fine I'll move them - hey I should've moved them straight away but didn't. She stood there and just yelled at me with an indignant look on her face.But the stress of everything that happened caused me to snap when she started trying to kick at me and I turned around and said threatingly "don't abuse me or kick me" and pushed her back lightly. She immediately turned and threw her comb at the computer desk, grabbed my shoes and threw them at me, went and sat on the bed and started to cry.I can't believe that I pushed her. I feel like shit for doing it. Like a loser. Seriously I'd never thought I'd EVER do anything like that. I'm worried now that she will go to the police for domestic violence. I 100% know that what I did was wrong and that's why I can't live with myself and feel physically sick right now. It's never been my nature to be like that at all. I am always a quiet, shy person who takes a lot of shit off people rather than defending myself. So this is so out of character that all I can put it down to is the pressure of having what she did to me playing on my mind. But I won't even try to justify what I did. Whatever she did to me, doesn't justify me pushing her (regardless of how light/soft it was)...My inclination is to skip out of the country asap before she comes back with the police. I'm not willing to risk getting in trouble with the law over here esp. as my government can't really do a thing about it.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (9 March 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update on things:
I felt that what I did was wrong because I turned my phone off and stayed out late (the mate it turns out, is a bit of a player). I left her alone in the apartment (she's not a child so it shouldn't matter)...and yes I shouldn't have stayed out so late given that I had interviews for the morning. And I caused her a lot of worry about where I was (again, I put it down to either being overly protective or not trusting enough?). But after dealing with the mess she created, I had no way of being able to get to those interviews and had to postpone them.
Well I'm not letting go of what she did so easily. It's the first time she has ever shown that kind of anger. Maybe PMS related? She started her period the next day...
Actually, later she tried to justify throwing the clothes around as something she had seen her mother do many times to her father. She comes from a fighting and dysfunctional family. Yes, sometimes that damages people but I think by her age (24) she should be mature enough to know the difference.
See she shows affection to me normally with no problems. Sometimes we'll argue a lot over me being late to something or not cooking for her (i.e. not providing for her etc.). I've toughened up on that - it was ok at first (so I thought) to show I cared about her by doing a few things for her. But as time has worn on, I've toughened up and made her get up and get some things for herself.
Last night she was all loving and affectionate. But I see a pattern emerging which has me thinking about asking her to leave or just leaving myself. My money is close to running out so I might be gone in a few weeks. Or if I do get a job, I might just disappear into another district.
This morning: She was in a hurry to get to work. I didn't prepare some hot water for her cramps because I decided to grab a cuppa before we left but realised she was going straight away. So I boiled the water (at which point it was now too hot for her to drink). She got the shits asking me why I didn't prepare some for her. I said 'well you are going right now and I simply forgot and realised once the water was boiling'. She left the house with a foul expression - not so much as a goodbye.
I said I would try my best to try and stay with her but she has pushed the boundaries too far :( I won't forget in a hurry what she did the other night.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (8 March 2010):
She sounds like she has a mood disorder of some kind; try googling 'borderline personality disorder' and 'bipolar disorder' and 'manic depressive', and she see if she fits some of the symptoms. This relationship doesn't look like it will be good for you long term. How can you live forever with and commit yourself to someone who makes you feel so lousy? As hard and painful as it may be, you may have to walk away.
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