A
male
age
41-50,
*mmk
writes:I need help...I'm 33 and my girlfriend and soon to be fiance is 27.We love each other very much and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other, but I have several problems with her and I need to know if its me, is it her, and what can I do about it...so here we go...First is that she is a virgin. I have never once pressured her in to having sex with me, I told her that I have no problem waiting until we get married, but she promised me that we can do other stuff, but we never do...in 1 year together she has gone down on me barely a half dozen times, and each time i've practically had to beg....she has no sex drive, passion, or intimacy whatsoever...Another problem is that we always do what she wants to do...to give you an example...here's the last 6 weeks...I tell her I want to go see Grand Torino and she says I know you do, I promise we can go this weekend...weekend comes and shes too tired, next week, she wants to do something else, the following week, the same thing...and I give in cause I love her and its not that big a deal. So i go see the movie by myself one day....Each week we are around so many people that all i want is to spend some quality alone time with her....first we get asked to a movie and its bride wars...after we agreed to see benjamin button...i give in again because we are going to have our alone night the following day...the following day comes and she tries to give me a guilt trip that a family member is home alone and that im heartless...but i stand up to what i want for a change...so im called an a-hole...we go out and she ruins my entire night by picking on the fact tthat i am enjoying the food and eating a lot, so I ate extra bread, ate all of my food...big deal...Then we plan to go see benjamin button, but now she is too tired and doesnt want to sit in the theate for 3 hours so I compromise and go see Paul Blart mall cop, which I already sw...just so we can spend time together...last weekend was a mess...none stop complaining from her....this weekend comes and we plan to go to dinner and a movie on friday night...friday night comes and shes too tired...im upset and i let her know this. i tell her i realy dont want to wait til the next day (today) to go because there is always something, but i say fine...sure enough today the dog gets sick and we have to take it to the vet...i understand this...and its more important than a stupid movie, but i say "see, why couldnt we go last night"...sure enough, it causes an arguement...these are just a few examples, but it seems day in and out that I am willing to sacrifice and do what it takes to make this relationship work, and she is just selfish and wants what she wants, when she wants it and if I disagree, it causes us to fight because I get called all sorts of names and I get made and wont stand for that....Please help me...am i incensitive, am I a jerk, is she wrong...what can I do???
View related questions:
fiance, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): "we always do what she wants to do..."that is going to be for the rest of your life! talk to her about it and see what happens.I know with sex is that sometimes once you have it you want it. I didn't masturbate until my first boyfriend fingered me and I didn't like masturbating with penetration until I had sex... So she might become more receptive to that once she becomes more active. Or not, some girls have very low drives. Another thing you would have to think about before you would propose.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I suggest you don't marry her, and find someone else.
You aren't an insensitive jerk just because you want to do something that you like for a change. I'm not a psychic but do yourself a favour and find someone else, this will not work out.
But if you want to be with her, don't let her boss you around, do what you like for a change regardless of her tamper tantrums, and enjoy your time. If she puts up a big stink about everything, simply walk away.
Regards,
Ken
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 HiI agree with Sugarbuns and I also think you should postpone your wedding plans.You really should talk to her and tell her that you are no longer willing to do everything she wants and always give in. She seems not at all to be willing to give in and also sometimes do what you would like to do and she seems not to be willing to work on the relationship. But in a relationship both of the to partners have to be willing to work on it. Both need to be ready for compromises. And both need to want the best for the otherone!You really should talk to her. But if there is no change in the next half a year, you really should overthink this relationship.There is one other suggestion. I don't know if it is a good one ore not, but maybe you can try it once and see how it goes. I was in a similar possition as you last autumn (well, my boyfriend really had a lot of stress at work, so it really was an excuse. But I feeled left out...) I told my boyfriend I would like to go to the opera to see Carmen, but there was no answer. But opera is a little like movies, it is only in for a few weeks and then it will end. So I asked and asked... then it was on for the second last day and I really did not want to miss it, so I just went on my own. It made my boyfriend think and it helped in my relationship. But it was also kind of selfish from my side and I didn't really feel great of what I've done.So you could do it a little different. You want to go see Grand Torino. So you could tell her: "On Wednesday (or what ever day) I'd like to go see Grand Torino." Make a concrete suggestion. If she has already plan for that day, you suggest a day later. It has to be a day, she has no plans. And on that day you go! She knew befor and she really is welcome to join you (and really let her know this), but if she is not willing, you go on your own, what ever she tells you. You could also buy the ticket a day befor and show it to her and tell her how much you are looking forward to go there with her. But warning: it could cause a lot ot trouble. On the other hand, you will see how much she is willing to do for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 I suggest you postpone your wedding plans unless you want to spend the rest of your life exactly like this. Your girlfriend has total control in this relationship, you are the puppet and do not delude yourself into thinking things are just going to magically change and be "different" soon as you say "I do". No, she has already set the tone for this relationship and it will be like this in marriage except you will actually be getting laid -- as long as it's on her terms. You have indeed figured her out already -- she's selfish. I personally don't think she really loves you as much as she loves controlling you. And standing up to her will not solve the problem. She already knows how to twist things around and make YOU feel bad for standing up for yourself. I know you say you love this woman (God only knows why) but just remember relationships and marraiges are built on respect, and compromise. She is giving you neither one. Take a step back and take a good look at your life together. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Always being on the bottom of the list? Always being given empty promises. She knows what she's doing? She knows she'll back out of the deal. Her word means nothing. Think about it. Once you have kids together, you will still be at the bottom and she'll use the kids to get what she wants. Are you absolutely sure you wouldn't be better off with someone else?......To test drive this theory, why not try taking a break for a couple of months. Back off and think this through before you make the biggest mistake of your life. Maybe it'll wake her up. But don't count on it. At any rate you may find the strength to move on.
...............................
|
