A
male
age
36-40,
*B. Woo
writes:I've been with a girl for about a month now. Yesterday she told me that she sometimes doesn't feel connected to me when we're kissing/cuddling and that she thinks about other stuff. We haven't had sex yet because we're waiting for STD test results. She said it's really important to her to feel the passion. She said that everything is perfect when she's with me except for that. And even the passion is often there, just not always.I feel the same, sometimes there's passion and sometimes there's not, but I'm completely fine with that. It's still pleasant for me to have her by my side and cuddle her even if it's not always sexual. In fact I find that to be quite normal. But she seems to have a big problem with that.She has a type. She likes 20 years older guys and likes if they are a bit crazy and impulsive. I'm 3 years younger than her (I'm 23), and to my knowledge I'm neither crazy nor impulsive. She says this is her first normal, stable relationship and that she's enjoying it immensely (and I can see that she is), but that I'm not as physically attractive to her as older guys with a crazy look in their eyes.She said she wants to be with me and work on our passion and that she's a lot more relaxed now that she got that off her chest.Still, now I am worried. I think that staying in a relationship with her might make me insecure over time because I'll be thinking I'm not good enough in bed and maybe comparing myself with those other guys. Also, I can't make myself any older.I think that maybe she's used to one kind of sex (violent and animalistic), and now that she has something different, she can't relax and enjoy what's there but is constantly trying to bring back the same feeling she had before.What are the chances of this situation turning out all right? Can people become more passionate by trying? Can I help her enjoy herself more with me? And is it healthy for me to stay in this relationship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 You can't force yourself to like BDSM either. I have dated enough guys and the statistics show me that the ones who are husband material would not be into BDSM, the ones who like spanking, and tying are not interested in serious long term relationships.
However, I would not stay with a girl who says "she does not feel passionate about me." It can be hard to define passion. There is a gentle passion knowing that the man would always be there for me, cherish me every day, respect me like a goddess. A condensed look into a loved one's eye, on the day both of your hair turn gray, that's kind of a passion too. The good ole missionary position can feel very intense. Taking your kids out to a festival, enjoying the simple every day life, that can also be a passion. Therefore I would not dream of saying such a thing to a man.
I don't think there is anything to work on. A man can give me the strongest orgasm, last for 2 hours, but if he can't also be gentle, loving, and attentive, he is useless in the relationship.
She is at a stage when she still wants to play the field. She has to get bored of meaningless relationships in order to appreciate a guy who every woman says they want in the first place, which is being loving, loyal, and sensible enough to be a long term mate.
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