A
male
age
51-59,
*ewey
writes:There has always been another man who my girlfriend refused to stop seeing. She said she loved me and wanted to get married. I bought her a $12,000 ring as she promised me he was gone out of town forever.. Three weeks later I found them together at a party. She never told me about him coming back so I broke up with her. Two days later after the break up she had sex with him while she still had my ring. Then she told me it was my fault because I should not of broken up with her. Was I wrong in breaking up with her?
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): Yes you did the right thing in breaking up with her, it must be hard for you as you obviously love her very much but you cant allow her to mistreat you this way. If she loves you she will realise her mistake it would be up to you then as to whether you want to allow her back into your life. However if she did the same thing again then it would be best for you to walk away for good. She is blaming you for sleeping with her ex rather than take responsibility for what she did
A
male
reader, Country Dr +, writes (1 February 2007):
I am trying to understand this mess as i have read the posts by both Astylishgirl and Dewey. Neither one is without fault as I see it. There is no excuse for Dewey's verbal abuse and no excuse for what Astylishgirl did as well. Astylishgirl said in her last post that she did everything possible to make things right for Dewey. Dewey said that Astylishgirl stayed in a relationship with this old boyfriend after she had sex with him while she had possession of Dewey's ring. My question to Astylishgirl is how could you do everything possible to make things right to Dewey if you remained with this old boyfriend after you did what you did?
...............................
A
female
reader, astylishgirl +, writes (1 February 2007):
1) I never kept the ring. I gave it back.
2)I did say "yes" to his proposal despite the fact of our past because I loved him very much.
3)I do not BLAME him for what I did. I accept responsibility for my actions. He does not accept responsibility for his
4)I did say I was sorry and tried to make it up to him. I tried to reassure him and let him vent. But after awhile, his bitterness was too much. He very much wants me to be wrong here. Completely.
5) After he would get me to commit and give my heart back to him, he would retreat and get mean. He never stays with a decision for a day it seems. One minute he loves me and forgives me. The next he hates me and thinks I am scum.
I am probably not posting any more. We are not together now and this is a moot point. He thinks what he thinks. I think what I think. And ya'll can think what ya'll think. I am trying to move on with my life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Country Dr +, writes (1 February 2007):
When any woman accepts an engagement ring from a man there should be a total devotion, love, and mutual desire to make each other happy. Also by accepting a ring a woman should be totally positive that she wants to be with the man who gave her the ring as marriage is the next step. I do not understand how this woman could of been with this other man, who has been a problem before, in the first place, then to compound the problem sleep with him just within days after her fiancee broke up with her. Then she has the nerve to say it was his fault for what she did. This woman needs to learn to take responsibility for her own actions!
My advice to Dewey is I hope you got your ring back and then to move on with your life. Move in a direction away from this woman as fast as you can.
...............................
A
female
reader, astylishgirl +, writes (1 February 2007):
I never kept the ring. I gave it back. And yes I did say yes, because I loved Dewey and wanted to work things out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): I haven't updated a post on this thread because everyone else has pretty much said what I would have said anyhow. What Seratuki commented "Secondly, she did accept the ring, and THEN slept with this other man...if things were so bad from the start she should never have accepted the ring in the first place" - is how I feel about this whole mess.
Obviously, there are missing story arcs from both sides and from a third perspective - an outsider's PoV. My initial irritation solely only had to do with the ex-girlfriend going off on the relationship, then sleeping with another guy two days afterwards, WHILE still in her posession, the ex's engagement ring whom she took despite her negative emotions towards him. THEN instead of giving the ring back and cutting off ties with him, she comes here and starts blaming him for all the emotional abuse he's been exerting onto her. Well, who do we side with here? I rather NOT side with anyone.
The honorable thing to do NO MATTER what emotional abuse he expressed on her would have been this:
1. when crap happened, and supposedly if they happened even the time leading up to his proposal towards her, giving her the ring, then after, she SHOULD have said NO
2. she didn't say no, and accepted the engagement, so the next prudent thing to NOT do was obviously NOT sleep with another man until ALL ties have been cut off with the ex
3. not only did she sleep with the 'new' guy two days after the ex and her broke up, but she continued to keep the ring and came to DearCupid telling us all that he abused her emotionally for years, but somehow had the courage to blame him for everything, sleeping with another man in a short period, AND keeping the ring
I am NOT arguing about the possession of the ring here. I am arguing about the connection between scenerios, the concept of marriage, and possession of destructive emotions towards each other, and towards any third parties. It's purely disgusting. THAT is why I was/am irritated.
Seriously stop with the questions. If you two weren't willing to work things out throughout your entire relationship, if one or the both of you wasn't able to see each other for what they are and what they have become, and still go around doing this and that, then the morality of the entire question in mind is simply to stop asking questions, no matter how much it urks you. You're both quite a bit older, with experiences under your belts probably. NOW draw from those experiences, and change yourselves for the better. This is WITH and WITHOUT each other. Time to move on damn it!
...............................
A
female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (31 January 2007):
 Hi
First off, I'd just like to say that I don't think the original poster of this question could have possibly told all that past history without the question being 9 pages long and incredibly confusing.
Secondly, she did accept the ring, and THEN slept with this other man...if things were so bad from the start she should never have accepted the ring in the first place.
In my opinion the two of you are better off cutting ties anyway, just give the ring back and call it a day. If you're coming on here going back and fourth I can just imagine how it must be face to face...*Cringe :(
You're obviously both hurt and angry, for whatever reason.
Just move on and get a fresh start with someone new.
...............................
A
male
reader, Country Dr +, writes (31 January 2007):
My response is to astylishgirl. You say in your letter that you have tried so hard to make things right to Dewey. After you did this to Dewey, did you go back to him and try to show him you loved him or did you remain single?
...............................
A
male
reader, Dewey +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dewey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything astylishgirl says that I did happened close to 3 years ago as I was not a very good boyfriend way back then, I changed about 18 months ago.. If she has tried to do anything she could to make up with me then why did she stay with this other man even up till today. I have told her at least 100 times no relationship will ever work with three people in it. After the incident months ago she remained with this man, never said she was sorry, and still is with him today. Now is that doing everything she can to make it up to me?
...............................
A
male
reader, Country Dr +, writes (30 January 2007):
There is no excuse for what your girlfried did. How she can blame you or even say there is any possible way to blame you says much about her own problems. Instead of spending time trying to blame you she needs to use that same time to look at her ownself and her own problems. She had your ring, how can anyone justify doing what she did?
...............................
A
female
reader, astylishgirl +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dewey,
I AGREE that what I did was wrong in that situation. I have never said that it was anything BUT wrong. Even though I had done nothing wrong at the rodeo. Even though you said things so cruel to me that they don't even bear repeating. I should NOT have been with him.
I thought that you and I were through forever. You had told me that. I was heartbroken. I took the ring off and was preparing to give it back to you. You wouldn't event talk to me. Not that any of that matters. I should NOT have done it.
But even so. Focusing on this one event doesn't tell anything about hard I have tried since. And how you say you love me, but won't forgive me. You get me to commit to you and give me hope that we are going to work it out. Then you bring this up and call me whore, bad mother, tell me that I am lower than Sh*t, that I am scum, that you know why my dad doesn't love me (though he does... you know its a fear from my youth). That my dad was right for not loving me. on and on. And you said ALL THAT BEFORE I was with T.
You don't say about the first two years when we were together, when I drove 5 hours to your house every weekend and 5 hours back, putting 100K miles on my brand new truck. You don't talk about how you said you didn't want to raise another family knowing I have two daughters. You don't talk about how I found those emails with your talking to that girl about her nipples and how you told me not to come one weekend so you could meet her. (though you ended up not meeting her). You don't talk about saying you didn't love me and that you weren't sure if you even wanted a relationship.
You don't talk about the horror of the hurricane and how you treated me and my girls. You don't even AGREE as to what happened at the hurricane. You have totally revised that story.
T treats me kindly and well. Why wouldn't I run from your emotional abuse to someone who loved me and was kind?? Not that it makes it right. I am just saying that you treat me so poorly.
My point is that you don't talk about what lead up to that event.
...............................
A
male
reader, Country Dr +, writes (30 January 2007):
There is no excuse for what your girlfriend did. If you loved her enough to buy her a ring, did she return the same respect to you? In my thinkig she did not show you respect nor did she even try. If this man had been a problem in the past as I am reading then why does she continue being with him. I see that the answer to this question is that she wants to be with this other man. Even though she had your ring, that made no difference to her. Very disrespecful on her part
...............................
A
male
reader, Dewey +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dewey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen a woman has a man's ring, what can be worse than having sex with aother man. I do not care what the girlfriend says, there is no excuse!! The least you could of done is have the decentcy to give his ring back before getting in bad with another man
...............................
A
female
reader, astylishgirl +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dear Dewey,
I am the girlfriend in question, and the way you have presented the story is nothing like our relationship history. You presented the "facts" out of context and certainly out of context of your behavior toward me. No where do you list the horrendous way you have treated me. No where do you list the horrible ways you have let me down. I will gladly present my side of the story and I believe that everyone that has answered will have a VERY different view of what happened.
Dearest Dewey, God knows I love you and I tried to please you. We have been together on and off for over 4 years. I put way over 100,000 miles on my truck driving to see you. I have spent time and money on your girls whom I love dearly. I went out on a limb for you so many times. Yet, you do not see one thing that I have done right in all this time. You present yourself as blameless and perfect and me as the horrible cheating whore. No one who knows the entire story agrees with your perception. No one who knows the whole story believe that I stayed with you for half as long as I did.
The only people who fall for your deception are people who you tell from your perspective that leaves out most of the real details. I have never known a person who can rewrite history as you do. Nor have I ever met anyone who believes that he is as blameless as you do.
You truly think you have done no wrong and that I have done no right. Nothing is that black and white. As this is your post, I will not post my side unless you agree.
Please know that I do love you and I am very sorry that we are not together. At this point, I just don't see any answers.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dewey +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dewey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who help me see what I needed to do. My ex-fiancee said my story was not correct as I printed it so here are the corrections. Instead of a party the two of them were at a youth rodeo for her 2 daughters. Also she had promised me to be with me at a high school reunion at the same time as the youth rodeo. Now remember we have fought constantly for over a year because of her time spent with this man and when I gave her the ring she promised me he was gone out of town forever. I had not one clue he was anywhere in the state until she told me that night. We talk at least 4 times a day. Still she says it is my fault for what happened because I dumped her.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dewey +, writes (30 January 2007):
Dewey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your time in answering my question as it was very much help confiming what I need to do. I let her read replies without her seeing who wrote them. She said everyone said the same thing as the question was written from my perspective. The only thing she could say is that it was not a party but a youth rodeo they were together at. Also the only reason he was with her was because she wanted him to watch her children so she could come see me. That was told to me days later. Also we have been fighting over this same man for over a year and she new her being with him would like always be a problem. I was never told he was going to be there ever until I found it our myself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I think you are well rid of this one. I would ask for the ring back, get it sold and buy yourself something. You didn't deserve to be treat like that! She was looking for an excuse to sleep with him anyway! You are not to blame, it was going that way!
Take care and you will meet someone who you rightly deserve.
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (29 January 2007):
 No u were not wrong! You're well out of that relationship. She had no respect for you or your relationship!
CD
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007):
I think you can probably identity with one of these two situations:
a) This girl, who said she loved you and wanted to marry you meant every word. She was dedicated to you and this other man was just a friend. You over-reacted to her friendship, broke up with her, thus breaking her heart. She ended up sleeping with this "friend" because she was out of her mind with sadness. She lost the guy she thought she was going to marry - she was devastated.
b) This girl, believed in the idea of loving you and being with you but she is a confused girl who is insecure and troubled. She has some "thing" going on with this guy and you caught her out. You rightly broke up with her. Your rejection reaffirmed her core-belief that she is not worthy of love and immediately went and done what she feels she is good for; having inappropriate sex. She then blamed you to pass on her guilt for hurting who she knows is a good man.
No matter what the situation is, the facts speak for themselves - she has slept with another man, and she is blaming you for it. Has what she has done closed the book on your relationship or do you still feel as if you want to pursue things. It's your decision - but remember, judge people on their actions, not on their words.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): She blamed her actions on you. What a whore. She took advantage of your generosity but blamed her emotional cheating on you.
Yeah, it's not advice, and there is probably more to this as Malyce would suggest, but based on this one thing, that's what I am going to say.
Still wearing the ring you gave her as the engagement ring, possibly lying to you about her relationship with this other man, then after breaking up with her, she sleeps with that same guy, still wearing the ring you gave her. You have no idea how bloody annoying that is to me when I read that. She has absolutely no dignity nor pride.
As for you, for the short of your comments, the least I will say to you is thank you for breaking up with this woman. I wouldn't think she deserves an ounce of respect from anyone like me at the very least.
Definitely try to get that ring back though. Remember that it IS an engagement ring and it's not exactly cheap either.
...............................
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (29 January 2007):
 No, I think you did the right thing. She obviously had some kind of amorous feelings for this other man as she kept seeing him behind your back. And when you broke up with her and she went to sleep with him only two days later, it pretty much confirms it.
I'm sorry you wasted all that money on her ring. Good luck finding someone worthy of your affections.
...............................
|
