A
female
age
36-40,
*C41319
writes:Ok so I'm struggling to find the right thing to do. My gf recently lost a loved one and has since gone into a shell where she wants space yet is out all of the time. I recently received bad news about a family member and she barely said a word to me. When I told her I was hurt and that I needed her she said "how can I support you when I need to heal myself?"So I am trying to give her space but where's the line between patience and wasting my time? I do not want to break up with her but struggling to figure out whether I can keep going like this.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 i can understand your pain. everyone handles things differently, and i am like you. when i am down and in need, i want to fall back on the person i love. and i also want to be the person my partner runs to, as well.
in a case like this, i would have to say it's best to just put some distance in your relationship. give her the space she's asking for and let her grieve and try to do your own thing. i know it's not easy and it hurts. but i see no other way. in fact, the more space you give her, the more she may come back to you. on the other hand, if you crowd her, it will certainly push her away.
how long have you been together? is it a new relationship? it will be easier to give space in a new relationship. if you have been together for a while, it may be harder to do this, as it may be more painful.
try to give her a reasonable amount of time to get back to feeling good again. and if in this span of time, you're still not getting your needs met, then you have to do what's best for you and move on, as you have to look out for yourself, as well.
on a side note, it is rather unfair for her to not be there for you. however, she's having a hard time right now, so give her understanding.
good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): Everyone deals with grief differently, whereas you are looking to her to provide your reassurance she is someone who deals with it within - as she hasn't wanted to look to you at the moment.
I wouldn't rush to end things, you're both in very difficult places and that decision could be one you regret. I would suggest meeting up and having a chat about what you both want from each other in terms of your entire relationship and also what you can both do to ensure you aren't feeling unsupported by one another. Maybe she's not someone to talk about her feelings but it doesn't mean that it might not help her, offer your support and show her how to discuss emotions by gently encouraging her to share her feelings.
Seeing as you'll be feeling similar you opening up to her might trigger her to share her own feelings. Either way, you can't really go on in the current situation for much longer and I think it will be down to you to initiate a get together where you can chat and get a better idea of what your options are with the relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 January 2014):
 What timeframe are we talking about here? How long ago did she lose a loved one and who was the loved one?? That is a big factor on advising you here. You didn't give the needed details for this.
All I can tell you is - people grieve differently. I lost my father this past August and was overwhelmed with grief. It got better and then Christmas was the first one without him, which renewed that crushing feeling. She is going out because it's a vacation and a reprieve from those feelings. I know that the first time I actually went out and it wasn't on an errand, I felt like I had gotten shore leave from the grief. It was there when I got back, but it was a lightening of the crushing feeling.
You also didn't mention how long you and your GF have been together. Shorter relationships sometimes can strain or crack under the pressure of such an event. Longer ones can too, and even marriages as well.
You also didn't mention when the last time you saw each other in person was. Not texts or calls, but in person. She said she needs space - what triggered that conversation?
I need more to go on in order to advise you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Some people are not capable of caring for others if they themselves are hurting bad, she obviously didn't rely on you for comfort when she lost a family member so it can also be that she doesn't handle grief like you do.
You might talk to family about how you feel and have your support come from them. She might not be able to help you right now. She might never be able to give you what you want.
Seems to me that she is distancing herself from you. Maybe looking for you to end it?
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