A
male
age
41-50,
*plydsldr
writes:I was dating my ex for close to a year before I was deployed in October. My deployment was originally scheduled to last for 6 months, but was extended twice so now I'm scheduled to return from my deployment in about a month (9 months). The majority of my duty here is planning, coordinating and escorting Senior military members and Government officials. I rarely see myself in any grave danger, however there have been a couple close misses. Due to the length of my original orders, I was not allowed to take R and R but I did go back stateside for 12 days in March for a conference and was allowed to take 5 days of leave afterwards. My (then) girlfriend picked me up at the airport and stayed at the hotel with me throughout the conference. Since she had just begun moving into a new place the week before I got back, we spent the rest of my time back at her new place as I had moved my stuff into storage before I left. She had hinted to me that she wanted me to move in with her prior to me leaving in October, but it was a house that her mom owns and I told her that I didn't feel comfortable living in a place that someone else has keys to and feels free to come and go as they please. Since I knew that she wanted me to move in anyways, I offered to put a lot of my stuff from storage in her house. She accepted some (TV, entertainment system, some furniture, etc.) but wanted new dishes and pots/pans etc. So, we went and got her what she needed, and I bought her a patio set and some new blinds. When it was time for me to leave, we had the talk everyone has about loving each other, being faithful, and looking forward to my return. I knew that immediately when I returned I was going to have an extraordinarily busy month and a half and during that time I might only be able to contact her two or three times per week. She said she understood, and it was ok because by the time that 6 weeks was over, I would be about a month from coming home. So, about a month after I left for the second time, I returned to my home base after completing an escort I sent her an email asking if she wanted to skype. I waited for about 20 minutes for a response and tried to call her. No answer (it was about 10pm her time) so I figured she was asleep and went about my day. She sent me an email the next morning, saying that she "had some things she needed to tell me".... Anybody who's ever been deployed knows what that means, so I swallowed my pride and responded. She told me that she had been thinking about "us" and figured that I would appreciate her "honesty" if she told me that she didn't think that we should be together when I came home. She said she was sorry that she wasn't able to keep her promise to me (that the last thing I had to worry about was her leaving me), but my career was not compatible with her needs. She kept saying that I was the best guy that she has ever known and was extremely torn because she was afraid that she might not find another man that would treat her and her daughter as well as I had. But in the end, I wasn't able to provide her the time that she needed. She said that there was nobody else, that she made the decision without talking to me because she needed to make it on her own.Heartbroken and in complete shock, I put up a fight but it was to no avail. She said that she still loved me and didn't want me out of her life, but knew that she would end up resenting me for my career and she didn't want that. As hurt as I was, I still loved her. And after looking at things from her vantage point, I relented and decided to let her go. I was devastated! My performance during my next VIP visit was ok, but I was holding on by threads. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and couldn't focus. These were GOVERNORS! I realized that I needed to be relieved so that nothing would happen that would impact the safety of myself or anyone I was supposed to be protecting, and relief was granted.I had closed my facebook account some months before I left and a week later (two weeks after she broke up with me), I opened it back up. Wouldn't you know it? There were pictures all over the place of her and a new guy hugged up and kissing! Though she swore they didn't do anything while we were together, she said that she was "seeing" him. Of course, I started "seeing" red. This guy, A former MARINE, knew I was deployed! He has no doubt been at her house, sitting on my furniture, watching my TV.... Riding in MY Mercedes! I immediately had a friend go get the majority of my stuff, including my car and TV. But the damage was done, I started having panic attacks and lost an incredible amount of weight. My supervisor referred me to mental health, and I was placed on medication to help me deal with my "Adjustment Disorder" ... or nervous breakdown in layman terms. The referral to a shrink has resulted in my clearance being suspended pending a review and will likely cause me to limit my future career options. Part of my therapy has been seeing a psychologist 2 or 3 times for the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she told me something I was not expecting to hear; That I need to be prepared for my ex to try to come back and revisit our relationship. She said that what may be her true feelings now will most likely change once I am no longer absent because she developed those feelings because of my absence, not my presence. She said that the weekly "how are you doing" emails are my exes way of keeping the door open until she has a chance to really make her decision. She says that she "didn't know" that is would affect me this badly. Although I do still have feelings for her and I love her daughter to death, I want nothing to do with her. I know and she knows that I will have to see her again to get the remainder of my stuff that is at her house. I know deployed Soldiers are cheated on all the time. I also know that deployed Soldiers cheat all the time. My question is, should I really expect her to try to reconcile? If that's the case, why the hell wouldn't she just wait for two more months to get back? Anybody out there ever been in this situation got any advice? Please, Cheater or Cheatee I need to be prepared and I don't know if I can deal with that.
View related questions:
broke up, escort, facebook, kissing, military, my ex, swallow Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): My friend, I am in your situation. THere is a saying that has stuck with me, "There is something wrong with your character if "opportunity" controls your loyalty". With that said, I feel like your ex should have waited for you as should have mine to get back and deal with it face to face, not hide using our absense as an escape goat.
A
male
reader, dplydsldr +, writes (28 May 2012):
dplydsldr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me clarify further; I am not faulting her for re-evaluating her situation, I'm well enough to know that evaluation is on-going and constant. However, I do think that her timing and "subsequent" dating was incredibly callous and unforgiving. Would I have imagined that I would have responded this way? Absolutely not! Ask any Soldier who's been deployed, most if not all of us have seen more than our fair share of the most grotesque aspects of humanity, and most of us have managed to hold it together. Seeing and dealing with death is a known factor that is accepted and rationalized in some way, shape, or form. Prior to us actually having to deal with it.But dealing with something that no one chooses, and dealing with a cognoscente decision is completely different. The fact is, any way its sliced, she chose to end things for whatever reason... and begin a very public relationship without fully considering my safety. That is betrayal, and dealing with betrayal is not something I was prepared for.Also, my therapist didn't suggest the scenario to keep me holding on. She told me that I need to prepare myself for that to happen so that if it does, I'm not caught off guard. In fact, she said that she feels that what she feels right now probably IS the truth to her.... but only because distance is still her current reality. Once the distance is gone, it MAY change her entire thought process.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 May 2012):
Thank you for your service. It always breaks my heart to hear about guys like you who are already sacrificing so much and then also get the short end of the stick when they get back home. I once heard a marine say that when he started service at a young age, he naively thought that all the hardships they'd endure there would benefit his life when he got back home. Suffer now so he could enjoy life later. Well, time shook him out of that dream...
I think it's time to let go of your ex, man. Right now she's the salt in your wounds, poison in your veins. I think what your therapist meant to tell you is that when your ex left for the greener grass, it may turn out to be a disappointment for her and that she may want to get back with you. It happens a lot and you need to steel yourself incase it does. That said, it doesn't mean you should accept her.
For now she's only shown interest in herself and HER needs. You don't need a woman like that by your side. Especially concerning your mental health, it would be a really bad idea to remain in contact with her. You need someone who goes the extra mile, who sticks with you through thick and thin. There are women like that out there. So block her from facebook, collect ALL your stuff and close that chapter of your life.
Don't theorize with your therapist about whatever may have caused your ex to behave the way she does. In the end she's responsible for her own actions and her actions have caused you a great deal of grief. That's what it comes down to, no matter how many pretty psychology terms your therapist may throw at it.
You have a whole life ahead of you. It's a valuable future, but you're going to need to cut ties with the past, or specifically: her, and surround yourself with people that care about your wellbeing.
...............................
A
male
reader, dplydsldr +, writes (28 May 2012):
dplydsldr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice all... And thank you for your service Bernard!
For what it's worth, I did forget to mention two key points.
- I am the first Military man that she has dated.
- There were three weeks that I was able to call or email 5 times total.
Bernard - Of those times that you were put out to pasture while dodging rounds, how many of the women tried to get back with you when you came home? And how many of them wanted to stay "friends"?
Immortal - I agree 100% selfish, cruel, and cowardly... The thing is, those were her exact words last week. She maintains that she "really didn't know that I would be so hurt over it." But she continues to see this other guy which shows me her level of concern for my health and safety....
The psychiatrist called it abandonment syndrome, and that "most likely" because I am not there, her guilt and anger are the only feelings that she is experiencing. But when I return, she will almost instantaneously and completely subconciously pick up where she had planned to when I left. If she didn't plan to be with me when I got back when I left, then she would be fine and go about her life. But if she really did plan on seeing this through, (which is what my shrink presumes) then she allowed herself to fabricate a seperate reality to suppress her feelings and her mind won't let her escape those feelings, and it will eat at her until she gets closure.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): You can't fault her for having needs that you could not meet. That's just called incompatibility. It happens - people can be compatible up until a certain point. (For example if my husband decided today that he wanted to sell all our belongings and live in a cave forever, we would no longer be compatible!) If that was truly the reason she left you, then she did no wrong. She can't help if your long absences and the possibility you may never return, wrecked havoc with her emotions because some people have a stronger need for emotional security and stability and need a greater buffer from potential danger and loss. This does not mean she's a bad person or that she would leave you again if you got back together under different circumstances.
If she left you and then right after that found someone new...again that is not her fault and you shouldn't hold it against her.
But if she had been seeing someone else already before she broke up with you, that is a big red flag that you should not get back with her. She should have broken up with you first before starting to date other people.
there's no reason you have to consider getting back together. You don't even know if your ex will even want to approach you about it - that's just a possible scenario your therapist thought of. For all we know, your ex could be perfectly happy now with her new guy, or even if she isn't, she could still forever be thinking that you're not going to meet her needs and so why should she want to ask to reconcile.
frankly I don't know why your therapist even suggested that scenario. I guess it could happen - because some people do end up getting back together after breaking up (and many break up again eventually!) - but it's far from a sure thing.
So what happens now? I think you should just focus on getting over her and moving on with your life. She has obviously moved on already so you should assume that this relationship is over. Get your stuff out of her place and erase her from your life - cut off all contact and don't wonder about her anymore or what she's doing, assume that she's forever gone. yes it's possible she might want to reconcile in the future as your therapist says, but I'm just saying that you should not put your life on hold hoping that this will happen because it may never happen, you need to make a decision to move on.
I'm sorry to hear if your mental health treatment is going to interfere with your future career options, but please do not think badly about this. You needed it because you were a nervous wreck. If you had instead broken your arm or gotten cancer or something it would similarly go down on your medical record and limit your future career options but that's not to say that you should have kept quiet and not gotten the treatment for it. The result would have been a catastrophe worse than what did happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): As everyone else has said, Thank You very much for serving your country. I'm not from the USA, however I too appreciate what any soldier does for his country.
You sound like a really amazing guy, who just had some rotten luck in the choice of woman. After a year together, and her acknowledging that you were the best guy she had ever known, and she doubted she would find anyone else to treat her and her daughter so well, your career is not compatible with her needs? Then she is not worthy of you. Anyone who really felt you were the best, would wait however long it took until you came back. It's your career, it's honourable and worth waiting for. You are a hero and deserve sooo much better!
I'm glad you sent a friend to collect your personal belongings, and you should get the rest of your stuff as well when you return. Take the same friend to not allow her to manipulate you into anything else.
You handled her response really well, however it's a tragedy it affected you as it did. Putting your life and others at risk, and everything else that went along with it.
I'm really glad you're seeing a psychologist who has warned you of what to expect when you return.
I would say "unfriend" her on Facebook so you don't see her with anyone else in future, and let her go completely. No matter how great it was, or could have been, nothing will change except if you changed career. As long as you are in the military, she will not wait for you. She will continue to be weak and cheat. You deserve better than that. There ARE woman who can and do wait. Who treasure their hero of a man, who look forward to his calls, emails, and visits. Who make a home and wait for his return, and keep the home fires burning. Look for such a woman. You are a treasure and should not settle for second best.
Keeping this woman in the wings will just make your life a roller coaster. Rather continue looking after YOU, your health and happiness, and meet someone who appreciates what you do, and will wait for you.
Don't worry about what SHE wants. Whether she wants to reconcile or not is not the focus here. The truth is, you can reconcile, things will be wonderful, but as soon as you are deployed again, she will wrestle with the whole dilema, she has "needs" and she will turn to others for that. Even if you are not deployed, let's say you attend a course or conference away from home for a week - will she wait? She does not seem the type that can.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, who I know is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He is not in the military, but no matter where he went and for how long, I would wait for him. He is worth waiting for. Find such a woman!!! Who appreciates you and will wait for you.
Good Luck and look after YOU.
Best wishes,
a true girlfriend
...............................
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Let me take this opportunity to say thank you so much for serving our country, you have no idea how much it is appreciated!Please do not take offense to this, but your ex girlfriend is very selfish. She said she still loves you, and that you were the best guy she had ever dated. She said she was afraid she would never find a man who treats her, and her daughter, as well as you do. Deployment is usually a temporary situation, and yet she can't set her "physical" needs aside, for that amount of time, while you serve your country. Don't allow her to keep the door open, because if you take her back.....she will do this to you every time you're deployed. You deserve so much better then her. She might not try to come back to you, until you've moved on to someone else, because at that time she will realize that she has lost the best thing she is ever going to have.I hate when I hear solders having to deal with this kind of thing, while trying to serve and protect their country, it makes me so sad.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 I do think there's a high chance that she would try to work things out when you're back. Like your psychologist said, she made the decision whilst you weren't there, not because of things you were doing whilst you were there, so it's not like you did anything wrong, she was obviously missing the physical side of the relationship and unfortunately found it somewhere else.
I hate hearing of stories like this, of marines who are protecting our countries to find out that it's the people at home who are hurting them the most. Like you've said, you need to be prepared for it and stick to your guns, she left you, don't let her grovel her way back when she has chance to see you in person, no matter how hard it is.
Good luck
...............................
|
