A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling with what to do. My girlfriend has withdrawn from me pretty significantly, and it's making me feel terrible. She struggles off and on with depression, and I'm not sure if this is just a long bout of depression or if she's just lost interest in me. I can't tell the difference a lot of the time because the symptoms of losing interest and being depressed manifest themselves the same way. It's just a general withdrawing from the world and from me.I constantly ask her to do things with me, and she keeps finding excuses to say no. She always used to make me feel like a priority, but now I just feel like a nuisance. I finally said something about it after she promised me we would see each other before I went out of town for a week. Of course she wound up letting me down and said she didn't have the time, and so I finally spoke up and said something about how I've been feeling. I told her that I'm lonely and that I feel ridiculous for getting upset about her not making the time to see me. That I felt like if she wanted to see me, she would make the time. Her response was to basically tell me she doesn't need much time spent with the person she's with and she's good with her alone time. Which to me read like her telling me I was just being ridiculously needy. Which is the furthest thing from the truth considering I'm the same way as she is about needing alone time, and that's how we've managed to work out so well together for the last two years. We've always respected each other's space and having other friends. But this feels completely different. This doesn't just feel like us respecting each other's space. She's withdrawn completely and I'm just not getting my needs met AT ALL. She's acting like I'm being needy, when really, I just feel terribly lonely. She doesn't live far from me but we only see each other once every other week for the last month-and-a-half. We are entirely missing any quality time spent together or any emotional connection. And it's killing me. And the worst part is that she's fine with it. She said she's fine with how things have been.This isn't the first time she has withdrawn, but it's certainly the longest she's stayed withdrawn from me. She suffers from pretty severe depression from time to time, and it has always taken a toll on me also. But it's never been this bad before. That's why I'm wondering if it's just me. I don't know if I just need to go ahead and end this relationship so that I stop feeling so unsatisfied, or if I should hold on to see if she snaps out of it and comes back to normal. I just don't know what to do anymore. She makes me feel like I'm just being ridiculous and needy when I confront her about it. So obviously communicating isn't fixing it. I just want her to go back to the girl I've been with for the past two years. But I don't know if she's just unhappy with me now and doesn't really care to spend time with me or if this is just temporary depression.If it's just temporary, and it's depression, I would feel really guilty leaving. But if she's just lost interest and doesn't give a damn, then I don't want to stick around. What do I do?
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 Is she getting help with her depression? I do understand how horrible depression is and it is also extremely hard for the people around her as well. I get why you are frustrated and lonely. I hope you ignore the female anon comment about you being selfish because you are far from it. A lot off people who suffer with depression do wallow in self pity and they do blame the world and take people for granted. It is a tough thing to go through but people need to remember it is tough on those closest to them also.
You say communication is not working therefore you need to be honest with her and tell her that this relationship is not working for you at the moment. You should not feel lonely in a relationship and unwanted. Explain to her that you cannot keep going. Maybe then it might make her see that she needs professional help. One way or another this is not healthy for both off you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Leave her ... let her find someone who can support her and is not selfish ...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I don't think she is "fine" with seeing you less but I think she has minimal coping skills. One of those skills (which is typical for someone suffering depression) is to withdraw from everyone. Isolation "seems" easier. (it really isn't but that is part of depression).
If she isn't TRYING to seek help or get better there is NOTHING you can do to fix this.
It isn't about you feeling guilty or not for leaving. It's about a relationship that REALLY isn't working. You can't be with a person who withdraws into her shell and ignores you, that is just not healthy (for EITHER of you). Maybe by ending it, she will :
1. realize she needs help
2. seek help and
3. GET healthy.
There are no guarantees that this is not a pattern that will happen over and over and over and lasting longer and longer..... IS that what you want from a partner?
I would ask her to seek help with the depression. Give her that chance (if you want to) and if she chooses NOT to the end it. For both your sakes. You BOTH have to realize that YOU are in charge of YOUR own actions. Her CHOICE to not seek help or work on the depression is causing a HUGE rift and disconnect in your relationship and probably in most of her social life. But it STILL is a choice to seek help (or not). When you stay and "endure" this you are in a way enabling her to NOT seek help. You might think you are supporting her, but you are supporting the depression, not her (if that makes sense).
Also, a side note - I don't think she is unhappy with YOU (as a person) she is unhappy that you bring it up. She rather sweep it under the rug and hopes it will pass. Otherwise, SHE would have to act on it.
...............................
|
