A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid my grandson son was taken by CPS and adopted by a family I don't know.The child was being physically abused by the dad and was removed from the home.My daughter requested that my grandson has no contact with me or my family because from day one this guy was no good.Now we just started talking to each other now she claims that she wants her son back.The state has labeled her as unfit and they have also band his rights and she continues to allow him to stay with her.And now she wants me to help get her son back.I want to be in my grandson's life I begged her to give me visits with him now he is gone for good now she wants me to step in. Help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 I can see it is a tough one for you. Your daughter is locked into an abusive relationship and she is complicit in it. Only if she can break away from it is there any chance of her seeing the child more often.
But is there any reason why you may not visit the child? The order isn't against you. You cannot help your daughter regain custody or increase her privileges, but you might be able to have some more contact if the adopted parents agree.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Mr.Denizen no my daughter can't have home visits she has been denied since she wouldn't completely leave this bum alone (Dad) She can only see him once a month if that home visits are denied.She visits him at a center.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 My last sentence was in reference to steering clear of your daughter and her partner "during this situation".
Let them sort out their own affairs regarding their son, however, i can almost guarantee that the state will not allow her to have him back home, certainly not for a long while, UNTIL she's proven that she's fit and able to be a Mother again.
Even then, one cannot be sure.
If there is any hope of your daughter being granted custody of her son once again, it would take much time, because she and her partner would need to be supervised whilst with their son and this is done over a long period of time and if they don't meet up to the expected standards, they won't get custody.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (7 November 2017):
UNLESS your daughter and her partner have had professional treatment and changed for the better, it is the worst idea to have this innocent child brought back into an unhealthy environment.
Abusive, neglectful, aggressive and careless people do not change overnight and sometimes they never change.
You miss your grandson yes, but he's much safer and probably happier where he is, as opposed to where he will be, if he were to return home to his biological Mum.
I would NOT encourage you to help your daughter to get your grandson back.
If she asks you why?
You don't need to tell her or you can be upfront/truthful and let her know that her son is much better off where is currently is and you will not bring any more imbalances into his young life.
She and her partner created this downright mess, so let them sort their own affairs out and besides, your daughter hasn't exactly treated you with the utmost respect.
I'm not suggesting nor implying that you punish your daughter and create some kind of payback, however, i would steer clear of her, her partner and their dysfunctional behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I'm not understanding how your daughter could request you have no contact with your grandson if he has been adopted. Does she have a legal right to do that when your grandson is no longer legally in her care?
I live in California and my grandson was taken over similar circumstances. I am allowed to have supervised visits with him on a regular basis. These visits were approved by cps and the foster, and then adoptive parents, agreed to this. If he has been adopted, not fostered, it will be almost impossible for her to get her son back. It will entail much time and money and given the circumstances, she will lose her case.
I would suggest you get legal advice as to your rights as a grandparent. Admittedly, we have few, but we do have some which varies from state to state. In California, if you can establish you have a bond with your grandchild you are legally entitled to visitation rights. Please check into this. I did not need to hire a lawyer. I just paid for a consultation in order to fully understand my rights and how to go about obtaining them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I think if I were in your shoes I would NOT help her get her son back. I know it sounds harsh. But I would NOT put that child in any more abusive situations than he has ALREADY been in.
If she gets him back but she is STILL seeing this guy, WHAT do you think will happen? Do you think HE (the abusive guy) will stop being WHO he is? Do you think your daughter will become the mother YOU want her to be?
NO.
I have seen this with my BIL's oldest daughter. She lost custody of her two children when they were 1 and 2. My BIL raised them for 6 years HOPING she would get her act together, get a job, go back to school (anything to IMPROVE herself) but she didn't. She did, however, manage to manipulate my BIL into agreeing to let her first spend time with the kids (which was a nightmare - every time they came home from her they had barely eaten, not bathed/showered or changed their clothes and they would be aggressive and rude.) It was like a switch was turned on and off. BIL IGNORED all these warning signs and agreed to let her have her kids back because she had moved in with her BF and it was a "sort of" stable relationship. The oldest (girl) has been on a 3-day psych hold twice (she is 10) the younger is heavily medicated with ADHD meds and anxiety meds - a PROBLEM he didn't HAVE before he lived with his mother. I tell you... I WISH my BIL had NEVER let her have the kids back. They are NOT better off.
So NO. I get that you want to spend time with your grandson, but YOU might be a good influence for him, his mother and his father are NOT.
I HOPE for the love of all that is good, that your grandson has a GREAT foster/adoptive family who LOVES him and takes care of him. And you should hope for that too rather than wishing him back in an abusive environment.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (7 November 2017):
To help bring the child back to your daughter would put him in harm's way. This isn't acceptable no matter how much you want it personally. You should not put your desires over the health and well-being of your grandson.
If he is happy, being loved and cared for then leave well enough alone. Anyway, would he ever be legally allowed into your daughter's home again?
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