A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend is in college with meshe is 19, we've been dating almost 2 yearsshe's suddenly starting to act more distant and just generally doesn't seem as happy, which is starting to affect our relationship and also myself.we were doing ok before the holiday break, but then she went to visit family and see some friends over the break, and i felt like we were sort of growing apart. we didn't talk as much as usual, and when we did she seemed rushed, annoyed or just irritated. we hadn't had a good time even over the phone for a whilenow we are back in school in some classes together. when we're in person at school, we do talk sometimes, and we laugh and everything like usual, but she just seems more distant in general. and when we're not together, she's texting or calling less and less. i did confront her and asked her if there was anything wrong and she kept assuring me there wasn't. she says it's just the stress of a new semester and of homework and all that, but still the way she acts towards me sometimes just feels pretty cold and harsh. she also hasn't been this distant other semesters. i mean maybe i'm expecting her to be too much like me but even when i am deeply stressed out i still can be nice to people i care about and especially my girlfriend...she says she doesn't want to break up and wants our relationship to work but she doesn't seem to be trying as hard as she used to, while i'm still trying. with her being so distant it's getting even harder to sit her down and talk about our problems... she will sometimes not even respond to messages at all, or ignore her phone... and if I confront her later she'll say she was focused and concentrating and apologizes for not calling back, but the problem is it keeps happening. i have some friends who think i should just let her go, which i really don't want to do, i do love her... one friend thinks i should give her an ultimatum (change or we're through) but that seems manipulative and can only result in a bad ending...i really just don't know what to do, because I can't tell what's going on with her... i have a feeling something is bothering her, and i have no idea if it's about us or about something completely unrelated to us, but she doesn't seem to be as close to me anymore, her distance hurts a lot... i want to hold on and hope things will improve, but i don't want to end up being hurt even worse... advice?thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): What makes sence to me is that if this all seemed to start during/after the holiday break then something or someone obviously happened over the holiday break . . . Think about it . . . If you guys were alright before the break as you've stated then what changed? It only makes sense.
Something is clearly bothering her and she keeps saying its nothing. How can nothing make such an impact in you guys relationship. There's something she's not telling you.
Speak to her. Not with the "change or its over" approach but there's got to be a point where you've got to take action if she still refuses. Talk to her calmly. Ask her what's wrong. Tell her you've noticed her behaviour and tell her that whatever she's not telling you will seriously injure the relationship. She should be able to be honest with you and tell you anything. Even if it hurts you or her. What I'm trying to say is, get her to talk, if she still doesn't then atleast you'll know that you fought for the relationship if it ends. Not saying it will, but its a possibility . . .
Talk things through then decide what you want to do after.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 January 2013):
"Change or we're through" isn't the way I'd put it, but there isn't much else you can do at this point. She seems to be growing apart from you.
Asking her "what's wrong" isn't working and that wont change no matter how frequently you ask.
You need to be prepared to break up with her. Tell her that you love her and you want to be with her, but you're just not feeling that being reciprocated. Say that you don't know what's going on but something is, and if she's not willing to talk about it then you guys need some time apart so you can both figure things out.
This will allow you to get some time to come to grips with your relationship possibly being over, and it will do two things with her: it will either force her to understand that she needs to stop pretending nothing is wrong because if she doesn't she'll lose you, or it'll help her make the decision to end your relationship, one that she may want but not be able to tell you.
Good luck!
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