A
male
age
,
*regory6
writes:I recently split up with a girfriend who is middle aged, divorced and has two grown up children. She had a 20 year marriage after which she seems to have had numerous brief affairs.We met and got on very well, including sex. But after a while I noticed she was secretive, controlling and isolating. She never allowed me to meet a single person she knew, yet she talked about them a lot, including her family. She had met my family and some of my friends.Things came to a head when she point blank refused to let me meet anyone, always making implausible excuses. She would dictate when and for how long we met, always on her terms. When were together she was very loving and seductive. But I began to object to the isolation and secrecy. She would also become cold after maximum two days together, then distance herself until the following week when the seduction then distancing would start all over again.In the end I confronted her and demanded an explanation for all of this. Rather than answer my questions she deflected them and refused to admit there was an issue to discuss.The only thing she would say is that her family were concerned about another affair and she was being cautious. But I had nothing to hide. I suggested I met them to allay their fears. She refused.The relationship turned into a predictable cycle of pull/push, with no commitment after some months and I got the feeling she always wanted this arrangement. She has a problem with intimacy except during sex. I felt used and exploited and on the advice of my family and friends ended it, then immediately missed her and tried to reconcile. She refused, saying I had "ruined it" because of my confrontation.I feel she is avoiding and manipulating in order to keep everything at arms length. I never felt quite comfortable with her and always suspected there was a hidden agenda. She does not have another lover. I am certain of that.She is shy and restrained everywhere except in bed. She appears to have a very limited selection of friends and relies on her family for support and even her job. Can anyone suggest what her problem is and whether she will ever change?
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male
reader, gregory6 +, writes (27 July 2010):
gregory6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy. I think you are right - she's not going to change. This is an object lesson to others. If you get sucked into a relationship which has a secrecy element, it's a red flag. Sooner or later the secrecy will be found to hide an agenda or issue that will never go away.
Also, beware of anyone that seeks to isolate you from others. Healthy relationships are open, including to those outside of it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 July 2010):
She has major league commitment issues, that no doubt lead back to her family in some way, since she was so determined you wouldn't mean them. Her marriage was clearly blighted by trouble, and she never dealt with the problems, and instead chose to have affairs. She has commitment issues, insecurity issues and controlling issues, all leading back to something. You'll never know what that is. Will she change? No. She didn't change for her marriage, she didn't change for any of her lovers, and she didn't change for you.
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