A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My gf has serious personal finance problems. Even though she makes more than enough to pay her expenses and save, she consistently spends her entire paycheck and sometimes overspends it. She's open to discussion and is often willing to cutback on things we talk about (e.g. dining out) but then just replaces those expenses with others (e.g. clothing, gifts, etc.). I've spoken to her about starting an emergency account, and while she agrees that it's a good idea she has exactly $0 set aside. In the short term, I'm worried that if she loses her job I'll end up having to make a decision between breaking up with her or helping her out with her expenses. In the long term, I'm worried about whether or not I can have a functional relationship with someone who is so unstable financially.Any advice welcomed. Can I help her become more financially responsible? Or should I end our relationship before my money is at risk both in the short/long term?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 I am a spender. My husband is a saver we are married just over a year. HE knew my spending issues and my debt when we got together and it was his desire to pay off my bills and fix up what is now OUR home (was my home first)
As such, I have made the choice to DEFER to him 100% on making the choices on our spending. I never make a purchase without clearing it with him first (not lunches and stuff guys but big things)....
I think that with proper acceptance spenders and savers can work together but spending must be tempered with saving and yet SAVING must not be such that all fun things are denied.
Men shop for clothes like maybe 4 hours a year 2 years in the spring and 2 in the fall.... more or less.
WOMEN tend to shop 2 hours every week.... I had to give up buying what I wanted WHEN I wanted it and hubby had to learn to say YES to things here and there that he had not planned for.
NEITHER OF US is 100% thrilled with it... I'd like more latitude but I know he's right. He's like less spending but he knows I'm not giving up things like healthy food (he does not eat fruits or veggies and swears they are waste of money)....compromise has made this spender and her saver get along quite well.
IF you do not think you will be able to take 100% control of the funds if you are a couple... then walk away now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): Hi. I am that girl. I am the girl who is terrible at saving, who always cuts it close financially, and is struggling to gain control of her financial life. And I'm in your age range. From my perspective, I can imagine my boyfriend has felt the same about me. Only because I have decided to be open and honest with him about every part of my life.That being said, this is a flaw and something I am conscious of. And he has his flaws, too. Being financially independent is important to me and I have done the best with what I have. However, i have made it clear to my boyfriend (I hope) that I in no way, shape, or form ever expect him to cover me when there is an issue, if I get into trouble financially, etc. Reading your question is making me wonder how he sees my hardship and if it weighs him down, too. He has tried to help by talking about saving money, but it's easy for him to save, he still lives at home and never has lived on his own and I've been on my own for a few years- so there's that. Anyway, my best advice is to be patient, but do not feel coerced into paying for her all the time, covering her when she messes up, etc. That will just make her expect more and more from you. Don't be afraid to be harsh with her. when my boyfriend challenges my desire to go out and spend money, it really makes me think and keeps me grounded.Hope I helped somewhat
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Under absolutely no uncertain terms should you even come CLOSE to getting involved with either her finances or helping her manage your finances. There must be space between you and her financial affairs at all times unless you marry her. No joint accounts, no joint mortgage, lease, bills, ANYTHING. You are not to advise her in anything except to tell her that she should take a money management course and/or see a credit counseling service if she has debt issues.
You STAY at that distance if she loses her job. If she breaks up with YOU because you don't bail her out financially, it's on her. You *don't* give her a single penny. Tell her that loans, bailouts, money issues ruin relationships, and you're not going to do it. Do not co-sign loans or anything.
On that note, do not monitor what she spends either. Do not question new articles of clothing, gifts, or anything. That introduces an element into the relationship that unless you're married and it's your money and credit rating, isn't your place. Stay out of it 1000%. You also invite personal financial risk to yourself for even doing hands-on help (i.e. monitoring bank accounts and credit cards). If she plays the system, she could get vindictive and accuse you of many things like stealing, identity theft, and even proving your innocence could be costly and iffy even if you're innocent. Avoid all of her finances like they are radioactive. Credit agencies will start calling YOU looking for her and can even go so far as to try and connect the dots that you're together.
Here is what you DO:
Explain to her that you need someone who is financially responsible as a life partner, or the relationship can't go anywhere. Tell her that if she has problems with shopping, spending, failure to save or debts that skyrocket, that she needs to take a financial management course (there are many places that offer them - banks actually do it!
My son went through one when he opened his first bank account on his 13th birthday offered by the bank. It was a wonderful course, and he came out of it with lots of questions for me. They covered spending habits, budgets, debt, investment, saving money, types of interest, how it's accrued, mortgages and loans, how credit is affected, everything. I think he learned more valuable information in that course than he's learned in the 9 years he's been in school.
Anyways, you can go with her for support if you like, and wow! You could actually learn a few things as well.
She should also curb her debts by going to a CCCS - they renegotiate her credit and drop the payments down to a low amount, and simultaneously cut off the flow of new credit. They can generally do it in a couple of years and greatly improve credit and teaches financial discipline as well.
But YOU can't do that. No going through her bank statements. No assuming control of credit cards or statements. She needs a specialist, like a sick person needs a doctor. No matter how good you are with your money, trust me, you're not a licensed financial adviser. You stay away from trying to manage or monitor yourself. Seriously. You must.
Stay away from her family as well and do not discuss this with them, ever. It is not your place to do that, and you'll flush your relationship down the toilet. Private matters are private. She has the right to spend herself into the ground, and unless she's embezzling money from her employer or running a meth business, it's her business to spend her money as she sees fit. She has the right to spend how she likes with her own money just as it's your right to decide whether her money values are compatible with yours in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 January 2014):
IMO, people are either savers or spenders, and they are born that way and typically never change. With that, never ever marry a spender. Ever. It is a prescription for lifelong hardship. I don't know how to put it any clearer.
You need to move on from this girl yesterday.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): Your girlfriend is an compulsive-spender. Keep it in mind, that she will call your bluff and may be hoping you will pick up the slack.
For some, this is a real disorder. She knows it's wrong, but gets huge emotional gratification from shopping; and making purchases. She gets a rush.
She has to setup her paycheck to be directly deposited into a checking account. She apparently gets it in-hand. That is like giving candy to a diabetic.
You should encourage her to set up her bills to be paid directly from her checking account; or to sign up with a bill-paying service through her bank. She requires a financial-planner; if she doesn't know how to control her spending impulses. It is a sickness for some people, and they actually can't control it.
If worst comes to worst, you'll have to get her family-members together, and have an intervention meeting.
DO NOT discuss her financial affairs, or invite her family into your domestic issues; unless you have exhausted every possible option. Until you've gotten down to the ultimate decision that you have no other choice, but to leave her.
Your final ultimatum should be that you leave her. You have no choice. Her financial well-being is her responsibility. It's really not your problem; just your concern.
You are not responsible to pay her bills, and if you have to dump her; because she will not address the problem.
Don't accept lip-service about it.
Dump her.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 January 2014):
 I feel your pain. My girl is like yours. She gets a paycheck and goes and blows it all in one day and has nothing left for bills. We don't live together so it's not a problem right now. But we plan to in the future and have discussed it. When this happens, I WILL be in charge of all of our finances. She agrees and doesn't want to be in charge because she knows she will mess it all up and blow through it.
I don't mind this, as I am good with money. One thing we discussed, which is what her parents do (her mom is just as bad with money as she is - apple didn't fall far from the tree), they both have separate accounts where their individual money goes that is just their personal money. But they have a joint savings account that they each put a percentage of their paycheck into. This way, they have money saved up, and if she wants to go out shopping and blow the rest of her paycheck, that's her business. And if he wants to save and hang on to his, that's his money to do so. It seems to work for them.
Anyway, your gf seems to be at least agreeable and willing to work on it. Which is a good sign. However, I've come to find that people who are bad with money tend to always be bad with money. you just have to be willing to step up and take charge. And she doesn't seem to be unwilling to let that happen. So maybe you can find a way to make it work for you. if it's a deal-breaker, I say leave now because I doubt it will change and she miraculously becomes responsible. Not likely. It's either something you two work around or you leave.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2014):
 Maybe teach her how to budget? If she can't do it (or rather won't do it then maybe this isn't a compatible match for you).
Talk about how it makes you feel?
I don't think anyone should feel OBLIGATED to take care financially of a GF/BF, but I get that you don't want to see a loved on sink either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): Its a very serious issue to consider. Spending habits are more serious in a relationship that many people think, and should not be taken lightly. I saw many people in my life who went nowhere ony by not keeping a countof their money. Also shopping sprees could be a sign of a addiction. I couldn't believe in such thing until I witnessed it myself. I had a friend long ago, and wheni noticed a pattern in her behavour how she goes on. A shopping spree after each fight with her boyfriend I didn't believe it existed.,For me it's also a sign of not being able to discipline yourself. She just does what she wants without considering consequences. Basically a behavour of a child, not adult. If she doesn't change, you are in a bit of trouble. If you deside to live together, have children, you will be in a relationship a responsible adult who makes all financial desisions. Now, it's up to you to deside whether you want to have an irresponsible child for a wife or a real life partner. Another situation is possible: mine. My husband is like your wife. Money has no connection with him to anything. It's just a sourse to buy new toys. First years of our marriages he did things that I don't even want to describe.He would leave me and children with 3$ for the rest of the week, be because he bought some book that he wanted for a long time. And other examples until input a stop to it. I told him that if he doesn't give me full operation of our finances,I am packing and leaving with children. He got scared, he said, he didn't realized how bad it was and agreed to my conditions. Since then I am the manager of everything. He got used to it, and from now and then praises me to his friends, what a a smart wife I am. We bought a house, opened our own business, put kids through private schools and colleges and live a comfortable and fun life. But, it was a lot of work for me, as I had no one to advice with and had to make all desicions myself. If you are ready for a life like this where finances are your sole responsibility then yes, go for it, and stay with your girlfriend. I am certain this is the future you are going to have with her the way she is.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 May I ask, is all this money she is spending the money that she earns herself? Or is this money your money? You have spoken to her about cut backs on things and even though she has carried on replacing the cut backs with expensive gifts and clothes have you been direct with her and told her you feel her shopping habits are out of hand? I think you should be very direct with her and tell her that she needs to stop spending as much money as she is and put some money aside maybe each week for this emergency account. You need to be very honest with her, and let her know that her financial in-stabiltiy is affecting yours and hers relationship, maybe then that will get it through to her. Give her a chance and see after you tell her how it is if she is able to cut down on spending money and put some money aside for this emergency account, however if she ignores you then I think maybe you should discuss with her where this relationship is going and how you can stay together if you feel that she is at risk of over-spending or even getting herself into debt. Good Luck x
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