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male
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anonymous
writes: I need to know if this is just something I need to basically put up with, or if what is happening is out of line.Any constructive advice is really appreciated.At the moment, I'm feeling very hurt and I'm not sure whether I have a right to be, or if this is common and I need to shrug the whole thing off - which would be very, hard for me to do. In fact, this could make a decision to end a long relationship, due to me currently, at present, not feeling happy being forced into the situation I'm in, and feeling very hurt about it; having to put up with it, not just now, but possibly in the future too.My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 years, ( I am almost 28, and she is almost 26) with highs and lows. No more or less than any normal couple. We are saving to put a deposit on a mortgage, get a couple of nice cars, and furnish the house, with a target set ideally for around the end of this year.All of a sudden, her friends have broken up from their relationships, and they all wanted to go on holiday together.This has been the first time she has decided to go away on holiday with her (now), single friends.I was against the idea from the start, and to me, personally, thought that after the amount of time we have been together, that this was a very selfish thing to get up and do.I basically had no say at all in the matter, as it was something she was going to do; regardless.We haven't even talked of going away together this year, yet I was told she was going away with her friends.They have all gone to Miami, which consists and has consisted so far of lying on the beach all day, shopping, drinking and going to the clubs at night.She told me last night that they all went to a place called Mansion (debatably the biggest place there known for celebrity status such as Paris Hilton), so you can imagine the sort of people that go there... and due to me asking, was told that they were approached and chatted up on a few occasions. The guys even came over and started dancing with or behind them. Which has obviously made me feel worse. In fact its a pretty tough thing thinking, that was the sort of thing that was going to happen, and then hearing that it actually 'has' happened.When I asked exactly what happened, I was shrugged off, being told that "this conversation is pointless".As much as I know is that on each occasion it happened, they were told that there's no interest and to go away.However, she had no understanding of my concerns, of how I feel, or that Im at home while she's on the beach or in the nightclubs...for peace of mind, I would have rather known what was said and what exactly happened at the time, but I'm being shrugged off to the conversation.I am still in London, at home, and still working while she has flown to the other side of the world to Miami with her friends.She has told me that this wouldn't be a one-off either. This will be happening every so often.It would be difficult for me to go anywhere with my friends as they have recently had kids.... and one of my particular friends' partner wouldn't be too happy with him going away,... so he, out of respect for her wishes, probably wouldn't go.Is this my long term girlfriend being selfish, and putting herself first, with possible unintentional influence and exitement from her friends?I am thinking about the fact that its not a case of we have just met, or been together for a short while... its based on the fact that it has been a long relationship, and are obviously serious partners.... possibly taking on and making strong commitments in the near future.Or is this me, having a selfish view about us, and I should let her do whatever she wants, and go wherever she wants? Do I have to accept this, and future events if I want the relationship to work. Somehow come round to the idea that perhaps there is nothing wrong and I need to change my views?Please let me know what to do, and what is the correct way I should be feeling about all of this.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2006): To me it just sounds like she wants to go out and have some fun with her girlfriends. I went through a similar situation and as long as its harmless fun with the girls I don't see a problem. Talk to her and make sure she's just haveing fun with them and nothing else went on, just bc your settling down doesn't mean you have to stop living. I compromised..he went to his drinking guys nights and I went to clubs, as long as you know that at the end of the night nothing went on and your going home together or home to each other, thats all that matters.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): Thank you Jacqueline.... your advice helps to put another persons perspective on things, and what direction to start moving things in.. its appreciated.I'm still feeling unsure about whether what she has / will / is doing; is out of line, or being selfish though, or whether this is a common situation for many couples and something I need to brush off and accept now, and in the future.All advice from anyone who can help is extremley appreciated.Thank you.
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A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (7 May 2006):
 Hey there...
First of all I would like to congratulate you for putting up with your girlfriends sudden change of mood.. You must be a pretty reasonable guy..
I think that when your girlfriend comes back from Miami you both should sit down and communicate about your feelings and thoughts that went through your head while she was out gallavanting in Miami...
Maybe she wanted one last break with her friends, now that they are single.. But she was being selfish by not informing you about all of this sudden change..
Dont shout or rage but calmly express your views and opinions and see what she has to say.. Explain to her that you both had made plans to settle down and big things were going to happen for you both in the future but now, because of the way she has been acting and not admitting to you things that might have went on while she was away, you are not sure if thats what you want anymore..
I would advise you to speak to her and clear the air.. Otherwise it will be to late and you dont want anyone walking over the top of you...
Best Wishes To You
Let me know how you get on..
Jacqueline
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