Girlfriend having thoughts of her past relationship that was bad.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, The ex-factor

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Question - (25 November 2008)

7 Answers - (Newest, 2 December 2008)

A male age 51-59, *eight63 writes:

I have been dating the same woman for about 3 months now and everything at the time appeared to be going great until today she said we needed to talk. Granted we have been talking for about 3 months and started talking a little over 2 months after her break up with her ex. Now this conversation we had, she told me that for the past few weeks, she has been thinking about her ex both while day dreaming or at night while asleep. The day dreams occur while watching a movie/show that they once watched together or a song that's played on the radio. She then would cry but not because she misses him but merely because she feels that she's disrespecting me for thinking of him even though he's dating someone else and often have her calling to disrespect my girlfriend/his ex. She said that her dreams aren't always good and that it upsets her to the point that she's short with her kids as well as with me. Her attitude changes and she is always with a headache due to that. She works with him but in different areas yet when she walks past his location, she often finds herself looking for him and when she does see him, it makes her sick at the stomach. She along with her family have told me of her past relationship with him and they all said the same. He was no good to or for her and every chance he got, he would talk down to her and has even put his hands on her to the point that she would not leave the house until all the markings left behind her were gone or could not be noticed. Her kids can not stand him for what he has done not only to them mentally but to their mom both mentally and physically. Even still, she tells me how much she loves me and how great of a person I have been to both her and her kids and that finally, her family all agree with me as part of her life. Yet she still have dreams or think of him often but do not quite know why this is. She asked me today to be understanding by giving her some space to find herself and become stronger for herself so that she could be a better person not only for herself but to her children as well as for me. She also made a firm statement that she never once met up with or even called him since our relationship began nore has she ever thought of doing so. There is no one else in her life other then me for me not to worry on that note. She just wants to confront this thing head up and find some closure. Now after hearing this, part of me wants to believe her and the other part is tellin me that it's all lies. Now i'm a simple guy with simple rules. Be 100% with me and I have no problem doing the same. I really care about her and every moment shared with her is time well spent yet I have known for a short time now that something was up and I have been prepairing myself for whatever it was.

Any suggestions or insights on what might be going on here?

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A male reader, Height63 +, writes (2 December 2008):

Height63 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just thought I would give a update on my current position with my significant other. Roughly two weeks ago, I was at a lost for words pretty much when my girlfriend told me that she had been thinkin about her past and just couldn't find a way to stop and that she thought it would be best that we slowed things up and just be friends until she could get herself together for not being fully over him even though he damaged her physically and mentally.

About two weeks goes by and I never once called, txt or wrote her but the one time when I told her of my understanding her position and that I would down shift a few gears and step back, give her some space if you will. She however did attempt to contact me on several occasions but I responded. As a matter of fact, I turned my phone on block so that each call she made went straight to my voice mail to which "I never check my mail". Finally realizing that I was owning up to my word on giving her that needed space, she just so happen to be in the neighborhood and stopped by. She asked if we could talk inside over coffee to which she brought. Once inside, she took one sip of her coffee and cried saying she realized how selfish she had been, how blinded she was and that she never should have asked me for any space because sincee I was no longer in her life, it drove her absolutely crazy which is why she just "happened to be in my neighborhood".

What bothered her she said was the fact that, most of the things that I enjoyed doing was a lot of things her ex talked about wanting to do and on other notes, he did as well and that is what reminded her of him. Not the fact that she wanted him back but simply because during those thoughts of him was the times he would often put his hands on her and it gave her bad vibes with me. We never argued or disagreed on anything other then our favorite sports team. This short time apart gave her sometime to think about what's most important to her and for her but not only for her but her kids as well. She expressed my worth to her over and over again and asked if I could forgive her for losing sight of what we have going.. So basically, we're talking again but at a slower pace then before. I'm not really ready to open back up to her fully since the whole thing unfolded but I am willing to work through it.

So the phrase, time heals all wounds and the if you love them, set them free and if they come back, they're yours but if not, it wasn't ment to be.

So thanks for all the sightful comments and feed back I got..