A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance for the length of this, I want to provide as much background as I can to help set the mood for my question.I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 10 months and I'm concerned that something is wrong. We don't live together and probably spend 2-3 evenings/days together per week. She goes out clubbing every 2-3 weeks with friends, there's always a reason for it like a friends birthday etc (so far as I'm told). I used to trust her completely, be fine with her having some space and not question it but her behaviour recently has made me uncomfortable.About a six weeks ago she went on holiday to the med with one of her single friends. She said that she would rather go with me but I couldn't do the dates she had to take off work. I was fine with it because I trusted her and didn't want to stop her having a holiday; I even took them both to and collected them from the airport. When she came back I started to get the feeling something wasn't right. She didn't really tell me anything about the holiday and didn't show me any photos. She has seemed a bit detached and has more and more frequently has been going out with her friends to the point that a couple of weeks ago I didn't see her for a week because she had things booked up with friends and wanted to go to the gym a couple of times. I didn't make an issue of it but was a bit disappointed that seeing me was obviously not her top priority.Last weekend I was away for a friends stag weekend. All very civilised with no bad behaviour. That Friday she was going out clubbing with a friend. She totally disappeared off the radar. She does this sometimes and there's usually an excuse like she had fallen asleep or the email on her phone wasn't working. The next morning she told me that she was really sick the night before because she hadn't eaten enough. I suggested it might be more to do with not knowing when to stop drinking but she insisted she didn't drink any more than she normally does and just hadn't eaten properly before going out. She was apparently staying at her friends and complained about being hung-over all weekend. I wasn't very sympathetic, it seemed like her own fault for drinking so much, so quickly that she didn't know to stop.On Monday I logged on to facebook and looked at her page. I very rarely use it but log on once in a blue moon to approve friend requests etc. She had a few pictures uploaded of her recent holiday so I had a flick through the album seeing as she hadn't shown me any and then came across one of her and her friend in a bar with two guys, drinks, big smiles and arms around each other. She hadn't tagged herself in the photo although her friend was, so it doesn't show up in the 'Photos of..' bit.Given her strange behaviour this set off massive alarm bells for me. I told her that I'd seen it and that I think most guys would be a bit miffed to see a picture of their girlfriend and single friend on holiday hanging out in a bar/club with two random guys. She admitted that it didn't look very good but was a perfectly innocent photo with two guys working in the hotel bar. She said she would never cheat on me because her mum cheating on her dad wrecked their family. We bickered about trust and considering each others feelings for a few days and then made up.On Friday night we went out to a nice little country hotel and had dinner, drinks and stayed the night. Everything seemed fine and we both had a nice getaway. Last night she was going out clubbing for one of her friends birthdays. I asked her why I wasn't invited and she said it's only girls going out. I couldn't really complain about that so dropped her home and wished her a good night out. We chatted with a couple of text messages in the afternoon/evening and then form about 8pm she completely disappeared off the radar again. I sent her a text message at about 11 to see if she was having a good night out, no reply. At about 1am I sent her another message to say goodnight and I hope she get's home safe.I haven't been able to sleep wondering what she's doing, if she's safe and why she hasn't let me know she's home safe. Even if she hasn't gone out with the intention of cheating, anything can happen when you throw in a group of girlfriends, lots of alcohol and a club full of horny vultures eyeing her up and trying to have a grope. If I'm out somewhere I will always let her know where I'm going, who I'm with, what I'm doing, when I'm home etc. I think it shows courtesy and respect, my girlfriend doesn't seem to think about that.Now it's 5am and I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be paranoid due to previous experience and I want to be able to trust her. All of the things I've mentioned are making that very difficult and I think tonight has convinced me that this isn't normal and I don't trust her.Having spent the last few days talking to each other about being sensitive to one another feelings etc I would have expected her to act differently. Am I being overly paranoid or should I be concerned about what my girlfriend is doing when she goes out like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I think you should move on from this relationship. She is EXTREMELY SELFISH and IMMATURE. There is someone WAYYYYYY better for you. She's years and years of growing up to do, and you need to move on and get off this roller coaster ride that's heading for a train wreck.
"Don't cast your pearls before swine' and move on. There is somebody better for you...
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male
reader, shodogg  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Son, I am sorry to read that you're going through this; but you have done one of the best things yet by posting your heart felt questions onto the World Wide Web for a greater amassing of experienced answers.As most of the posters before me said, so I say again that you cut your losses now and flee for your life -not just the breathing of air life, but to shield your self esteem and or confidence, integrity and moralistic principles. If you remained one second longer than you had to in a situation like this the more of your manly essence would have been depleted. You would have also found yourself doing, saying, and thinking those things that your father and mother taught you against. Such is the way when somebody don't (or can't) love you back. So my son do not, and I'll say it again, do not cast ye your pearls before the swine, least they trample them (all of your dreams and heart-felt love for them) under their feet and them turn around to destroy you.Many of you know where this is coming from and can attest that this can be applied any which way in a relationshipYes it will hurt to move on but you will learn of a new burden lifted off of yourself. It may take a year or less or maybe even more to be healed whole from the heart ache. Now you just go and surround yourself with some well to do, decent, good character folk (I went crying back to my mommy and daddy and was bed ridden for about a week) so they can pick you up or comfort you; because every little thing will start you crying (t.v., radio, a sad clown...) by reason of a very raw emotion.Well I'm sorry to have ramble on a bit but I know by experience how hard a broken heart can affect a person. It took me a whole year to be healed again to begin to consider trusting another woman. Slowly but surely I ended up marrying my now beautiful wife.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): If you feel that you have to beg her to be with you it is time for you to let her go because she isn't interested in you the way you want to be interested in her. It looks like you two are not on the same page. She's just not that into you.
You do appear to be overly concerned about her and that may be bothering her as well. Some people have so many phone calls they just don't bother answering their phones when they are doing things away from their phones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I just tried calling her again and she picked up. She said that she's still half asleep (and sounded it too). I asked her how her night out was and she said it was fine and she was in bed back at her friends by 12:30. I told her I was worried about her as she'd dropped off the radar so wanted to make sure she was ok. Then she said she had only just got my emails because she had to resynchronise the mailbox on her phone. Last night when I sent her a message to see if she was having a nice time and was ok I made sure it went via SMS and not email so she couldn't use that frequently exercised excuse for not replying. I told her that I sent a text message at about 11 and she just said "oh, right, saying what?", I told her I was just asking if she was ok and she said 'oh, right" with no explanation of why she didn't get back to me.
So I'm going to meet her later today. I'm really unsure as to whether I should finish things or not, that little nag that maybe she's being honest with me and I'm being unreasonable is creeping back in. I'm defiantly going to tell her that disappearing like that when she goes out with her friends is not on and doesn't show any kind of thought for me. It's really not fair of her leaving me to lay awake all night wondering where she is, what she's doing and if she's safe.
I don't know whether I should break things off, I suppose I'll see how she reacts to me telling her that this isn't on.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 August 2009):
 Sorry this is working out so badly for you, young man, and so fast , too.
If you (or anyone else out there who is in the midst of wondering if their significant other is cheating) can take anything away from this, I read this quote in a book the other day. I think it says alot.
"When considering a new relationship {or continuing in one} of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchipin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted."
Best of luck, and do let us know how you end up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are supposed to be going out this afternoon. It's after 9am so I figured it's not too early to give her a call and find out that she's alive and when we're meeting up. Her cell phone just rang off the hook. Even after a late night out I don't think it would have been too early to pick up the phone half asleep, it could be an emergency. I've only slept for an hour and I can function!
This just makes me think she's in a position where she can't pick up and talk, I don't know what that position may be but my mind fills with worst case scenarios.
I guess that's it. I have to finish with this girl. After almost a year it's going to break my heart, I don't think I'm ever going to find a decent girlfriend. With her behaving in this way I can't see an alternative and the longer it goes on the more it's going to hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for confirming that this is not how things should be. I really try to reason things through before I act to make sure I'm being fair. This time I was worried that I'm just being a jealous boyfriend.
I wouldn't say she's a party girl out every night but at least every few weeks and that's assuming that when she tells me cant see me because of x,y or z that she's telling me the truth and not off in some bar or with someone else. When we first met she very rarely went out, as I said this seems to have increased rapidly since her returning from holiday.
The fact that she's done this after me recently confronting her about the holiday photo and her strange behaviour makes me feel that she's not at all sensitive to my feelings, or she is just plain stupid. If I bring this up when she finally resurfaces I can see it will be the end of us but that looks inevitable either way. If she's not happy with our relationship and wants to be out doing these types of thing I don't understand why she wouldn't just cough it up and be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Ask her the score straight out, friend. Get it settled. I think you see how it is going to be from now on. Tell her it must be different or you are out of it. And be serious. Mean it. I don't see a future for you with this party girl. I would have dumped her months ago. It is always hard to tell another guy what he should do...as you can't feel what he feels. But, I think you are torturing yourself and no man needs to do that. Have the talk. If she ever goes completely off the screen again, check out. Do not look back, do not pass GO and to hell with the two hundred (or whatever it is now).
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reader, Once a happy man +, writes (2 August 2009):
 I dont agree with her actions at all. She should include you in her activities more not push you aside when she feels it be. She sounds kinda immature to me.
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (2 August 2009):
 Why are there so many questions like this from people in England? It seems like there is a lot of partying going on down there. Well, first off, I can see alittle of her point, and I can see a little of your point. I don't always tell my husband where I'm going, who I'm with, etc. etc. and we don't live together yet either because we are both poor and still living with our parents. However, I don't go clubbing every other night either. What she is doing is wrong. As far as the alcohol goes, I knew a girl who went out drinking with her friends, and she got so bad with her drinking, that she was horribly sick, and her so-called "friends" left her there to die. Someone rescued her, but yeah....you get the picture. I think that you need to let go of this girl and find someone who will spend more time with you, as I think that is what you are looking for in a relationship. She sure does make a whole lot of excuses not to be with you. It does make one wonder. I can just picture her telling that guy you picked her up with, "Oh, that was my brother," or "My brother will pick us up at the airport." Even if all that she's doing turns out to be completely innocent, she is sure headed in the wrong direction. Either she's not really intelligent, or she is fooling you, or both. And for the record, people who say stuff like, "Oh I'd never do this, because of such and such and such and such," can be lying. Anyways, was she always like this? Was she like this when you first started dating her? How long has she been treating you this way?
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