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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hi there. please help me get my head around this, as its making me completely miserable and paranoid! i have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now. we are really close and most of the time it is perfect. However before i met her she slept with this bloke on holiday from the caribbean. she was only 17 and he was about 25 i think.i drive myself crazy thinkin about what he may have done to her, and i cant get images of him touching her out of my head!i would really appreciate any advice you could give me, on how to remove this out of my head!as you may imagine, i feel very insecure because of his age and his skin colour. any information/advice you can give would be very much appreciated.many thanks.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): You're right Willy... 8]
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Can I butt in. Now having read the post can I just point out that the question asker only mentions that they feel insecure because of the other fellas skin colour. Does this not mean that he wishes he was like this becasue she liked it? Where does it say he hates the other bloke because of his skin colour. How did we all get onto the skin colour thing anyhow, it only says a fella on holiday from the Carribean. Not evryone in the carribean has the same skin colour!! It also mentions he feels insecure becasue of his age....why are all you twenty five year olds not jumping up to say age-ism...?
Please you lot let us not fight over trivial stuff, and this is trivial, and it doesn't answer this question really does it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): To Mr. Anon who asked Eddie to grow up - Eddie responsed to your instigation of his comment being "pathetic", along with the fact that Eddie was stating what I said in my last post about racism. Keeping an open mind is one thing, but like I said, racism isn't always a violent thing, and least of all, the question asker DID mention a person of colour in his comment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): hello all
I think anon female is right because you will keep reminding her of that experience if you keep going on about it give her some of your own experiences to remember.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): Eddie, grow up! i dont beleive in all that garbage!!! however, the question posted may have meant it in a different way, did that enter your head? its very vague, yes there is all that garbage going around and those who choose to beleive it are naive, although this gentleman may have been referring to that, all im trying to say is dont jump the gun just because sum1 has mentioned skin colour!!!! rediculous!!! and immature!!!
and trust me, i know my fair share of racism. You know nothing!!! end of!!
This guy could be insecure over anything regarding skin colour! the fact that there are stupid rumours about being big? maybe he finds that particular race attractive? more than himself? maybe he doesnt like them?
As agony aunts, dont forget to keep an open mind to such vague comments!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): Dude, your young and probably sexually inexperienced yourself.
You have these "disturbing" thoughts about her having sex with *one* person because you feel inadequate. Tell me, honestly. If you were in her situation and you met a beautiful, lovely girl and ended up having sex with her, how would you feel if, TWO years later your new girlfriend came on the internet, wrote this kind of question and made you feel like some kind of dirty slut who shouldn't have done it?
Deal with this by realising it is because you are young and insecure about yourself. If this stays a problem for you, your girlfriend will eventually resent you, and dump you. Don't let me have to say I told you so - deal with it.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 January 2007):
 To the female anon below, you too are soooo full of generalizations. "coloured guys are known to be well, big down there" Are you that shallow? Do you buy into all that garbage? I thought people were starting to get past racial stereotyping.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): To Male Anon below who said it's all about love and that's what it matters - I agree that it's a thing of the past and has no bearing on Mr. Anon Question Poster, but there is a hint of racism there. He blatantly said "I feel very insecure because of his age and his skin colour."
Racism, if you don't already know comes in not just an extreme but in varying degrees as well. Racism doesn't always end in violence. In fact, most racism are passive aggressive by origin of influence.
As for the Question Asker, your insecurities are your own. No one can tell you what you can do to stop thinking about it, because ultimately, if you don't already know the answer to your own inquiry, then even if the solution is dangling within arms reach in front of you, you don't be able to grasp it.
Your insecurities stem from elsewhere. Work on those other things first and maybe you'll be able to see pass this, in my opinion, very minor 'issue'.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 January 2007):
What do you know about racism? The guy said he didn't like the fact his girlfriend was with a person, in particular one with a different skin colour. That is racism, disliking or judging someone by the colour of their skin. Why is that pathetic? Are you also somebody who judges a person by skin colour? Is that a good way to decide if a person is worthy? If so, that is pathetic !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): no, your not being racist at all, im presuming you are white and come on, lets face it, coloured guys are known to be well, BIG down there!!!! dont be insecure,im sure you have done things in your past before you met her? watched porn? lusted for other women? had sex? it wont mean anything, infact she has probably forgot about it! and if anything, you will keep reminding her of this experience,is that what you want?
Push it aside, and give her an experience in the bedrom she wont forget!!!!
Mwa x x x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): ignore below, not racist at all, how pathetic, all you need to know is, you love each other, she has done things before she met you and vice versa.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 January 2007):
What do you want to hear? You're acting like somebody who wants to lose his lady. A little racist too. The truth is she probably what she did. It wa sex and sex usually feels good. You will get nowhere until you accept that. That is very blunt and honest. What would you like to hear......"the sex was terrible because she hadn't met you yet". Would that lie make you happy. Did you dig the isnfornmation up or did she offer it to you. Be careful what you ask, the answer might haunt you.
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (4 January 2007):
 I think you need to remember she did this before she met you. Yes it's natural to be a bit jealous of partners ex's, but the only person you are hurting here is you!
Your girlfrirnd must pick up on the fact that you are being insecure, does this cause arguments between you both?
If you have a strong relationship talk to her and ask her questions to clear up any of the nagging thoughts in your head. If she respects you she will understand if she knows it's making you unhappy then I'm sure she'll tell you about it. Although I'm sure if it was a one off on holiday romance I ber she hardly thinks about it!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (4 January 2007):
I think you need to remember she did this before she met you. Yes it's natural to be a bit jealous of partners ex's, but the only person you are hurting here is you!Your girlfriend must pick up on the fact that you are being insecure, does this cause arguments between you both?If you have a strong relationship talk to her and ask her questions to clear up any of the nagging thoughts in your head. If she respects you she will understand if she knows it's making you unhappy then I'm sure she'll tell you about it. Although I'm sure if it was a one off on holiday romance I bet she hardly thinks about it!Good Luck!
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