A
male
age
41-50,
*jt
writes:"OPs own title" So i have been with my girlfriend for 1 yr 6 months. I honestly thought she was the one, she took me for who i was and put up with my weirdness most the time. We could tell each other anything without judgment. We where very sexually compatible and it seemed we where very comfortable in helping each others fantasies regardless of what they where. I'm 30 years old and have been in a few long relationships in my life. Comparing previous relationships to this one, i have never had the complete freedom to speak my mind or to be exactly who i am. So when i found this girl obviously i fell deeply in love based on the above. So here's where it all turned to shit, on which i should of seen coming but was to wrapped up in my emotions to act on it, on which i still am. So a few months back i suspected something was going on, and low and behold she left her email open to which i seen she was conversing with another guy, who she had met through craigslist and had met a few times (i'd like to believe nothing went on, sexually). I confronted her about the whole situation and she confirmed to what i had been thinking that nothing went on, and she was no longer in touch with the guy. Anyhow things went on normal for a month or so and she was out one weekend and was with the guy who we had previously talked about. She never came home that evening. The next morning when she came back she denied all knowledge of what i know was to be true. So i forgave her and we tried to move on. Since then then our sexual life has been none existent, not for lack of me trying, she plainly refuses to have any. So about 3 weeks ago we where having a nice bottle of wine and feeling kind of tipsy, when she got a call from who she said was her sister. This is where things really get complicated for me. After talking to her sister that night around 12.30 am she started a fight with me over nothing and told me that she that we where not compatible and that she was leaving. This was right out of the blue and i was honestly left gob-smacked. So she left, and i followed her home. To my surprise she had arranged to met the guy who she had some flings with over the last 2-3 months. I'm sure she had sex with him over the weekend. where as she had no sex with me over the last month or so.So i had no contact with her over the weekend and she emailed me Monday saying she missed me and we should get back together. I told her i knew everything she did during the weekend and to leave me alone, to which she did. She has now contacted me again and i'm falling for her, my stomach churns at the thought of not being with her and i'm debating in my own head should i win her back, or will i be left in the same position again.I feel used and empty, i put everything i had into this girl, emotionally, and just can't get over how someone would not respect that and throw me to the side for some other guy who just wants her for the sex and nothing more.Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Block her from your phone she's acting like a physco. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and life just doesn't work like that. You are NOT being selfish by not letting her see the dog you are perfectly within your rights to tell her you can't deal with any contact. I repeat my inital statement of what a bitch!!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER.
A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (25 May 2010):
She obviously doesn't even know what she wants and is bad news. I recommend you steadfastly ignore any further attempts at communication.
Now there are only two things that matter: 1) forgiving her so that feelings of anger and hate do not poison your mind, and 2) meeting other women. Get busy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, cjt +, writes (24 May 2010):
cjt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, thank you all for your advice. It's nice to know there are people out there who care for others.
Second, So i decided to follow up with some advice and contact her back. This was a complete mistake for me, leaving me bewildered and pondering on my next move.
So i asked her if we could talk regarding our situation and that i was able to forgive, and move forward providing i can fully trust her. Her response was less than satisfying, she told me to leave her alone and that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I asked her why then did she contact me looking to get back...her response (screaming at me) "i have since changed my mind" Talk about wanting something you can't have?
Now after this she emails me want to see my dog and so on. I told her that it would not be fair on me to have this kind of connection to which she told me i was selfish and she loved the dog as much as me.
This is such an emotional roller coaster for me, far more than anything i have had to deal with in my middle aged life.
I am at present still wrapped up in her, and advice from other i have got...she playing with my head.
How do i move on from this bombardment of feelings, i cannot seem to do anything right, and feel like a quickly falling apart and cannot regain control?
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A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 First thing's first, you obviously adore this woman if she's cheated on you and you still long for her. Personaly, I don't think it would be wise, nor benificial to take her back after what she's done to you, because a) She clearly does not care about you half as much as you care for her, and b) If someone can cheat on you, then leave YOU, and still manage to have you wanting her back, then she's got you in some kind of spell, wrapped round her finger, and taking you for granted. She's treated you like a doormat, and you sound like a respectable man, who deserves that same respect back. It must be very hard when you feel you have that connection and bond when you can be yourself around somebody, and it seems so right, but you have to think, seriously, if the woman who supposedly loved and cared for you, can cheat on you, lie, and leave you, who's to say she won't do this again if you take her back. Personally I think people who cheat on others, belong together. Then they can have a false relationship being unfaithfull and living under the same roof. People like you, who want one lover, to share their life with, give everything to, and be truely happy with...should be with someone who has the same morality. You may feel you need this woman, you may feel you still love her and long for her, but you could be confusing these feelings with missing her company. If you take her back, how could you evr trust her again, feel truely happy towards her without feeling bitter or angry? If you think you could, and somehow you can trust her again, then fair enough, but I don't see how you could do that, everyone's different, but to me, it seems like she's a bad egg and I'd consider moving on and findng a true soulmate...
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 I agree with the Universe Man. You have to tell her if she wants your trust, she has to earn it all over again. Make it hard for her. Make her chase you.
If you do give her another chance and she cheats again, then you have to seriously MOVE on because once a cheater, always a cheater!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (21 May 2010):
Totally understand how you are feeling. What a bitch! Try to turn your feelings into grieving for the lost opportunity rather than grieving over her. She isn't worth it.
Don't lose faith there are other females out there who will not treat you like this. Join some clubs or attend some special interest courses to widen your social circle and meet a bigger range of people.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (21 May 2010):
Whether you should even be with this girl is up to you to decide. Here is how to make her want you more than ever, if that is what you really want.Realize that when you push her away is when she comes running. You don't contact her over the weekend, she emails you on Monday. You tell her to leave you alone, she waits and then tries again. Follow this pattern long enough and she really will give up, but so far it's a case of "wanting what she can't have."Tell her if she wants your trust, she has to earn it all over again. Tell her you are not going to jump back into a situation where your feelings are vulnerable. Tell her you're willing to start over.Then start over. Don't get together at home for a cuddle session. Instead, have a casual date, maybe just coffee or dessert or a walk in the park. But this time around, if she offers to pay, let her. This time, she is courting you. She is pursuing you.You both want to jump right back into the deep intimacy, the sex, the emotional bonding. Do NOT give in! You have to drag it out. Weeks. Months. If you go right back like everything is okay and forgotten, she will think "I can fool around with any guy I find, and if he turns out to be not better than my man, I can just go right back." If you drag it out, she will think, "I just barely got this second chance. If I fuck up again, it will be over for good." These are VERY VERY powerful thoughts in a woman's mind: the ability to go searching for something better vs. the possibility of being left all alone. This is especially true if she is your age or close to it (as opposed to a 21 year old who will remain attractive for years to come).On a personal note, I feel like there is always a chance of any person giving in to temptation and fooling around with someone else or getting to know someone else with the possibility of fooling around. I think that's human nature and I can forgive a lover for that. The shitty thing is lying about it, because that represents a lack of personal responsibility and consideration and is an ongoing decision to deceive. So I tell every girl that I become involved with that the only hard and fast rule for me is complete honesty. That is my one and only requirement in any romantic relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 May 2010):
My friend. Think. She has cheated a least three times. Once with a man over the internet. She then claimed she had stopped then it turned out she'd been seeing him again. Then there was another guy.
PLEASE do not take her back. She WILL do it again, there is no doubt about it. She's just treating you like a doormat. Get away from her. I guarantee that if you go back, you will be back here in a month saying she's done it again.
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