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30-35,
writes: The Views posed in this article are controversial. Read with discression.Women and men are guilty of pushing thier views on to the other person and putting restrictions on the things they would normally do when single. The biggest one is. You must not sleep with anyone else. A heavily voiced restriction to a relationship....Your probably thinking... Are you mad.. of course we expect that and tell our partners that....Well this can damage things because your telling someone they cant do something...When I have a girlfriend I dont make any restrictions on her. She can do as she wants. If you do want anyone else or you do have sexual contact with anyone else then it is ok to be honest with me. But i can guarantee to you that I am faithful and I wont do that to you. When you pose it like that then it takes away alot of negativity. and if they do cheat then its your choice weather you finish her or your happy with what you have. You will find that if they never cheat on you then you can put it down to the fact they love you so much that they havent chosen to.. you will find you will never get hurt in a relationship if you dont pose any restrictions for someone to potentially break. Reply to this Article
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reader, shawncaff  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Have to agree that Odds' arguments are spot-on. Really liked the clarity of your reply and the thoughts expressed. It's true: restrictions at first blush seem confining and deadening, but in truth they carve out a space where we feel safe and can then express ourselves more fully.
Well done.
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reader, Odds +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Glad you liked all that. I understand the rebellious attitude completely, too. Haven't quite grown out of it, myself, and I kind of hope I never do. If I had to guess, I think it's not just a rebellious attitude at work, but an issue with trust. No one can break a trust that you don't give them.
Honestly, I still have a hard time trusting some people, particularly people as close to my heart as any girl I'm dating. To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, but it's still hard sometimes. I'm just careful about who I date, and I find that even with the iffy cases, expecting trust and treating her like a responsible adult can bring out the best in a person.
As for work, I'm an engineer. Most of my opinions about relationships come from the effort I put into figuring them out back in high school and undergrad, when I was way too awkward and nerdy for my own good. Think I've got it mostly down now, though, but there's always more to learn.
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reader, UKLifeCoach  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I am very greatful for people like you Odd's. I am going to save that to a word document and read over that because My opinion would be better replaced with yours. I think that I left myself open for that to be fair.I will now advise that instead of telling someone they cant do something, they explain to their partner the conditions in the same structure you used in your reply. Because Whilst I dont cheat, I feel that being told not to makes me want to rebel, And that is not a rare trait..I dont see the appeal in getting paraletic on alcahol at the weekend but when I am told I am forbidden to do that. It makes me want to.But had I been in a relationship with a girl version of you then I would have been chuffed to bits with her talking in that fair, approachable, consultative kind of way.Credit To you. What do you do for a living Id be interested to know.
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reader, Odds +, writes (10 June 2011):
Anyway, that was fun. Thanks for putting up the article.
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reader, Odds +, writes (10 June 2011):
I think you're trolling, but I love feeding trolls. This is gonna be fun. With that in mind...
Not sure where to begin here, so I'll pick at random.
"Well this can damage things because your telling someone they cant do something..."
First off, it's not telling someone they can't sleep around. It's telling them that monogamy is condition for dating me. They are certainly free to sleep around all they like, with the understanding that I will then exercise my freedom to not associate with them. Monogamy and fidelity are not a requirement to live, just a requirement to date me, and that's no different from saying you have to have good credit before you get a loan. It's simply a condition that one may choose to meet in order to gain something that is desired. Or, if you don't want to date someone, go off and do what you like.
So long as one is honest, there is nothing wrong with having a few behavioral requirements in a relationship. I can think of a few other acceptable ones: "If you don't make time to go out with me once in a while, I'll leave." "I you get fat, I'll leave." "If you can't be civil with my best friends, I'll leave." In every case, the person is completely free to do the "forbidden" thing, but the other person is free to consider that a dealbreaker. The honest approach is to either accept the condition or to back out of the relationship.
Second, even if it is telling someone what to do, so what? That's another thing we do all the time. How about this for an acceptable command: "I'm letting you cheat, but if you catch herpes, please tell me." That seems like a reasonable value to "push" on another person. How about: "I'm letting you cheat, just be honest about it with me." That certainly seems like pushing your values on someone to me, but it's something I'm alright with.
I treat every girl I date like an adult, and part of that is expecting her to be able to hear a reasonable request from me, then decide for herself if she wants to follow through, then be honest about it. It won't "damage" her to hear me describe something I want out of a relationship. If someone can "push" their values on her, and she can't hold firm to her beliefs honestly, then she isn't an adult in any real sense (barring the use of serious blackmail or physical force - "Either do this or we break up" doesn't count). Another part of treating them like an adult is expecting honesty and self-control from them.
There's nothing negative about having standards, particularly given my beliefs regarding promiscuity and open relationships (short version: bad). Any girl who disagrees with me is free to date other people. Even in your post, you seem to think honesty is a virtue. Isn't that pushing your values on others?
"If you do want anyone else or you do have sexual contact with anyone else then it is ok... But i can guarantee to you that I am faithful and I wont do that to you."
OK, why the disconnect? If it's alright for her to cheat, why would you promise not to cheat? I could understand not cheating because there's no opportunity, or because no one else is as good as the girl in your mind. I could understand not cheating because of a cuckold fetish. But making a rule against it? Why? What if you really, really want to - it's ok, by your rules, right? If there's nothing wrong with it, maybe you do it, maybe you don't, but why make a rule about it? Making a rule strongly implies that on some level, you think it's wrong to cheat, and you are choosing not to do so because you believe cheating is wrong, even if you say you don't.
It's like saying "abortions should be legal but rare." Why rare? If there's nothing wrong with them, why would you care how common they are? Or "I never lie unless I really have to." A rule like that has no purpose except to make you feel superior, without actually requiring obedience to any code of behavior.
"You will find that if they never cheat on you then you can put it down to the fact they love you so much that they havent chosen to.."
So, in other words, you give a person the freedom to cheat... because you want to find someone who won't cheat? Isn't that a contradiction? Why, within the frame of your morality, is the person who chooses not to cheat any better than the one who does? And, if you can come up with an explanation for that one, why shouldn't you simply say fidelity is a requirement for dating?
See, we'd probably agree that humans are not naturally monogamous. It's true. Given the opportunity, most people will cheat. My assertion is that monogamy is a healthier, happier alternative for the vast majority of people (there are always outliers, obviously). Most people who would cheat given the chance can make good, faithful lovers given appropriate restrictions, in the form of social sanction and personal morality instilled at a young age by loving parents. These restrictions are healthy; they serve to help people live in functional, happy relationships that they would not have had without those restrictions.
"you will find you will never get hurt in a relationship if you dont pose any restrictions for someone to potentially break."
What if she chooses to lie to you? Or to lie about you to others? What if she gets pregnant and claims it's yours? What if you get her pregnant, and only tells you after she aborts it? What if she decides to spend most of her time with some other guy, and only sees you just barely enough to count as dating? Somehow I doubt you date someone completely free of restrictions on at least this behavior.
Look, if a person wants to act like they're single, they can just be single. Maybe you're part of that small minority of people who aren't wired to dislike cheating, disloyalty, or cuckoldry. Most people are deeply hurt by these things, by their very nature.
Restrictions aren't inherently bad. The walls in our house restrict us to only a few entries and exits, but they keep us warm and safe at night. The restrictions of personal morality and standards for others prevent us from acting any old way we please, but they help people to live and act in a way that makes life better for themselves and those around them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThen your a girl after my own heart. Thanks for reading and glad I have super confirmed your doing the right thing!Thanks for readingUK Life Coach
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