A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Need some advice on an argument I had with my girlfriend. So a few weeks ago, we were invited to my godson's birthday party. My gf decided she didn't want to go, so I went alone. A couple weeks later, my gf and I go out to brunch, but before we go, she asks if I'm going to take a shower. I didn't sleep much cause i slept on the couch, and so I said no. I didn't feel like it. Later that night, she decides to get into an argument about how those people are so much more important than she is, because I showered for them, but not for her. How I dressed up for them, but not for her. Mind you, I'm normally a jeans a tshirt type of guy, but to the bday party, I wore a long sleeve button up shirt. Everything else I dressed the same, but wore a button up shirt, mainly cause it was gonna be a bit chilly, and didn't want to wear a jacket. Well, she gets very upset, crying, and hysterically repeating over and over again, I think it was nearly 100 times (no joke on the count) "why are they more important that you'll shower for them, but not for me". Also note that we have not had a week without a fight for nearly 6 months, and to describe our relationship rocky would be an understatement.So she says that even if I didn't feel like it, I should have taken a shower. She says that she says that I expect things from her when she doesn't sleep, and she's tired. I completely disagreed with her, and so I asked to give me examples. She said that I expect her to clean the house when she hasn't slept much. I asked her to tell me how many times she's cleaned the house in the last 6 months (until 2 weeks ago, I had a cleaning person come every week) so that wasn't true. So I ask her to give me another example. She tells me the day we went to a big concert about a month ago, she didn't sleep much the night before. Mind you, I spent a good deal of money a couple months before the date because she told me that she wanted very much to go to this concert. The concert started at 7, she got back from work at 6:30, and she says that I expect her to do things when she's tired, and these are the examples that she gave me.We argue all the time, and it gets very frustrating because she says things that are so fantastically wrong and incorrect, that it just builds anger inside of me until I can't hold it anymore, and I start to yell and scream at her.I try to do everything that I can for her. I usually cook or get dinner nearly every night. Yes, there are days that she gets dinner too, and once in a long while, she would cook something. She doesn't pay any of the household bills, and once in a while give me a little money which makes up about 7% (not exaggerated) past of the overall household expenses, and she thinks that she's giving her fair contribution. She got this job about 5 months ago and for the nearly 2 years before that, I paid for everything, including her credit card bills, trips out of state that she needed to take, clothes, food, entertainment, nearly everything. But to be fair, she has a lot of current personal expenses, and in fact she is entirely paying for a weeklong trip out of state this month, but it becomes annoying that she feels that she pays her fair share.For her birthday once, I got her a pair of diamond stud earrings 2/3 carats each. We got in an argument, and she said that she doesn't like them nor wanted them so I said if you don't like them, then give them back, so from now on, she would keep saying that I asked for the earrings back. I would tell her that she told me that she didn't like them, she never wanted them, and thinks it's odd that I would then ask for them back, when I think it's a natural response. For her recent birthday, I took her to San Francisco and spent some serious money on it, her response is that she didn't want to go there, and I should have taken her where she wanted to go.I work from home, and I don't interact with people very often during the day. I would usually get up, and work in what I slept in for the most part. I don't shower as often as I should, and I don't dress. She gets upset that I am working in boxers and tshirt when she gets home, and that also would cause a fight. We had a great relationship before, but we fight all the time. we can't go more than 2-3 days without fighting.I'm sorry that I started to go off of tangents... I originally only wanted to only ask about her getting in my face asking why the people in the party were more important than her that I would shower for them, but not for her when we went to brunch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Definitely you need to move out and not live together. Get back into the courtship mode and see if things don't improve. Don't pay her bills for at least a year.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 You both seem to want different things in this relationship and in fact, I suspect on some levels you're possibly not suited for each other overall. You work at home, so it might be common to work in your underwear but if she goes off to an office of professionals you seem like a slob to her when she comes home to the same scroungy man in the same stained T-shirt. You have to also look at where she works and what kind of people does she mix it up with? Does she work in a professional office where the men wear suits? This may be why she places a great deal of importance on what you're wear and how often you shower. Think also about her upbringing. Was her Dad a suit and tie kind of man? She may equate a good man with being a bit sharp dressed/groomed. She is obviously disappointed in you and therefore she picks fights. Take a critical look at both your values; what makes each of you tick and ask if you're suited for each other or if the romance has run its course. I don't personally think you're doing anything wrong but she seems disappointed in you, most of the time. You have to wonder why. Does she feel like she "settled" for you? when she could have done better? It's time for a long discussion. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (15 November 2012):
Your girlfriend's post is here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-dirty-and-wont-take-a.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Just stop. It's obviously not working.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I don't think it was about the shower either.
Though.. if you slept on the couch I can't see how taking a shower to freshen up before going out to bunch can start such an argument. Personally, if I have slept like crap or not enough there is NOTHING like a hot shower and a cup of coffee that will pick me up.
Anyhow, seems to me that she is very critical about everything you do. Almost like a mother with a child. She nitpicks your presents, the places you took he for her birthday and so forth. Seems so entitled.
Sit her down and get to the bottom of what is really going on. She is looking for faults, YOU are looking for faults - you have to figure out why.
As for your hygiene, DUDE, sleeping in your clothes and then wearing it the next day is for kids, you are a grown ass man. Take a shower and put on clean clothes. Not for HER, but for yourself. You are letting yourself go.
Even if you work from home you can still take care of yourself.
As for the working in your boxers and a T-shirt - well I had to laugh at that because I don't see anything wrong in that. BUT make them be clean, OK? Showering, grooming, brushing your teeth is necessary for everyone, no matter if they work from home or at some office, work-site, whatnot. It's common sense - and you seem like a smart enough man to know this. So my question is this.... Is the not showering and not taking care of your hygiene you little passive-aggressive rebellion against her?
And to answer your question, why she got so mad. Well I think it boils down to this. When you had to go to a party you "bothered" to shower and dress up, but when you were going out to brunch with HER you just rolled of the couch and was "ready". I think to her that means you don't want to put in an effort because it's "just" a brunch with HER. Did she doll up for this brunch?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 November 2012):
This is NOT about showering. This is about her feeling like she isn't important to you!!!
Maybe she is stressed out, tired, and/or even depressed.
Whatever is going on, you two need to talk about what each of you feels is 'wrong' with your relationship as it currently stands. You need to decide what each of you needs to do to contribute to strengthening your relationship...or if it is simply too much work, you need to decide to end things.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I too find this really frustrating that such a nice guy has gotten hooked up with a very selfish and uncaring woman.
Nobody can tell you what you MUST do, it's up to you how long you are going to put up with this, but life is short and people don't change and with such an unreasonable woman how could you ever get your point across??...grrrr.
I wish there were more men like you in the world, because there are some really loving, kind, gentle women out here who would love to have you as a partner...I hope you don't have to tolerate this forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): It sounds as though she is very unhappy in the relationship as are you. You need to sit down and ask her why she's feeling this way, her screaming uncontrollably about a shower it sounds as though she may be depressed. I used to act that way when I had post natal depression. She didn't want to go to the party with you either, now who doesn't like a party! She said she's tired all the time too. I don't think she's being fair on you, why doesn't she pay for bills? Sometimes you can work and work to provide for someone, but if they are just used to that, getting things because someone has always done it they are not going to appreciate it. Where you're sat in your boxers in the house she's going to think you're not making an effort although we all know that you are. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get dressed up one evening and take her for a romantic meal, maybe buy her a dress for the occasion see how she reacts. I think she's just after a bit of tlc, but you need some too. You need to talk about this with her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): You should read you girlfriends post which was submitted today on how she feels. looks like you guys dont even understand what one another wants. Sounds like she just has the shower issue with you but you have a problem with a number of things about her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I just wanted to say " where are more men like you?..." makes me upset that some women dont appreciate a nice man and they sure prefer an asshole treating then bad all day long...I hope ur gf realise that men like you are very few or better to let you go and you can find a real/supportive woman.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Did you tell her you didn't shower because you had slept on the couch and didn't sleep much? I'm thinking, your fighting is the cause for why you were on the couch in the first place, right? So this is a merry-go-round: you fight so you sleep on the couch, you get little sleep because you were on the couch. She picks fights, you being deprived of a good night sleep... bad combination.
And it's been going at it for 6 months. Trust me, this fight is not about a shower, or a shirt. This is an on-going fight for 6 months now about the same topic. Try to find the red thread, because the real issue (when it comes to women in particular) is never what they say, but always what is being unsaid.
I want to point out though that what I see you repeating over and over is how much money you spend on her. You need to drop the money argument. Money can't buy love, money does not make you happy. If she didn't want to go to San Fransico for her birthday, then she was sulky, yes. But never the less, why force her to go just because you paid a lot of money.. The money doesn't make it a good gift. If she didn't like the ear rings, doesn't matter how much money you spent on it, it wasn't a good gift for her. So maybe your real problem is that she can not express what she wants, and hence you are unable to provide it? It os obvious you have no idea what to give her as a gift, either that, or she is a bipolar who one minute loves one thing and the next hates it.
You can't leave a possible mental instability out of the question unless she's been checked.
But then, to answer your last question.. Why didn't you just shower? Not to side with your girlfriend, her response is out of proportions, but working in boxers all day when she's in the house is not respectful towards her. Sure, once in a while it's okay, but she's another human you know, not a pet. You should look nice for her, at least be dressed. By not bothering you are seinding out the message that you don't care she's around, her presence means nothing to you. By not showering, you send out the same message. While her getting in your face is uncalled for, you should realize that the other option is to break up when things get tough. You either fight and work it out (through a healthy argument) or you end the relationship. At this point you really do need to ask yourself: is this relationship worth you showering and putting on pants? In other words, is this relationship worth working for?
You need to talk to her. Don't bring in the money again, money talk is for businesses, not relationships. Don't talk business when it comes to romance, because they are not the same. Spending money on her does not equal love and affection. Ask her what she needs and wants, and ask her to be very clear about it. Such as birthday gifts. Such as how often you should shower if that's the problem. Eventually, through talking, you will get to the bottom of this.
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