A
male
age
30-35,
*artyboy123
writes:Hello,Today, i found out that my girlfriend got a job 6 hours away from where i live for the summer (2 months approx, 60 days). I've kinda known about this all along, but she always said she didn't know if she got a job yet, or if she was even going... so i didn't put much thought into it... So i brought it up later on today, that she does not even care that she's leaving me for the summer. she says she will see me often (which is like twice a month, which kinda sucks). I was like, you don't even say you wanna stay. she says she wont ever get to see her old friends ever again, and that she cannot get a job here because there is none close and she doesn't want to get a ride everyday.. i was like wow, she says she loves and me and is sorry that she is going, but really, if she meant those things she would stay right? so for the past week we had been fighting quite a bit, about her putting her friends before me, trying to fix things with her friends before fixing our relationship, and me trying to make plans with her then she cant for various reasons (Excuses), but then makes plans with her friends for a girls night.. so all of this kinda came out today and i was like, "you know what, i think we need some time apart etc." she said ok, and i said bye... checked facebook, and she instantly had changed her relationship status to single, and deleted the post (in anger she said)10 minutes later she texts, "hey, can we please talk, i dont want it to be this way".. i didn't reply2 minutes later, i get a phone call, i don't answer because its her.a second phone call, its her.. i answer.we talk about everything, she says she wants to work things out and that she loves me dearly, and how i treat her like the bad guy, and how its like i don't care about her and stuff... when yet, i try and give her the world.. but its like i'm not getting much in return. we can never agree on things, and there is no compromise's being made... she's all hurt, and i'm hurt, but its all about her and she's like i just want you...so now, at this time (6:40, about 2 hours ago this all happened, she had to eat supper so she said we could talk later, i said ok sounds good.. still waiting)... i texted her asking if we could put our status on facebook back to in a relationship, she said "i haven't decided yet", i was supposed to go away with her this weekend, and i asked her about it, she said "well see, i don't anymore"... i tried to talk to her about everything, and tell her that i want to be with her, and agree on this, and i'm trying to cope with her going away for the summer and everything, and how i want to work things out.. she just kept replying saying, "ok", "alright", "fine", "yea", "yup"... not really saying much...in all honesty.. its so confusing, one minute she calls me after we break up and is like "I NEED YOU AND IM SORRY FOR BEING SO SELFISH ETC.", now shes like, "idk what to say or do anymore"... i've never been so hurt in my life, first girlfriend, first love really, 5 months, and we have had nothing but problems the past 3 weeks....i don't want to be without her, i really want it to work, she says she does too... then says i don't care about her and stuff.... its like what?!what does this mean? i'm confused as hell right now...
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male
reader, Partyboy123 +, writes (10 May 2011):
Partyboy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey,
today, she was like, if we get back together things need to change, you need to stop trying to run my life, and telling me what to do, i feel trapped... i was open minded and said, understandable, but given the circumstances, of how she likes to party and can be wild, and put me second etc. i said, nope. not happening.... so i gave in and figured i would just let shit slide, since i do love her etc...
later on today, she text me saying, "i thought i knew what i wanted, but i am unsure now", i said, "ok, let me know what your decision is"... she replied, "im sorry, i do want to be with you, but i just dont want to ask you to change for me, thats unfair.."
i replied with the speach, "both people need to change, compromises need to be made, not one swooping down to the level of the other, both meet at one level. you cannot change someone without changing yourself aswell."
she didnt reply. so i assume we are done, and i feel relieved, but angry at her for basically saying, "i wont change for you, even though you give up things like "girl" friends, going to gatherings without her, saying offensive words, but she cannot give up one thing - the partying, and she wants me to change but wont change herself as well... thats enough right there to tell me that she is unsure, shes a teenager, she shouldn't have it all figured out yet (i kinda do, i'm Christian, and my parents drilled it into my head of how to live etc. i'm responsible, don't drink, smoke, do drugs, no sex until i know who i am spending my life with).
if things don't work out, ill take it as experience, and sure the jealousy will be hard to handle, but really, shes not mine to be jealous of anymore, so it wont phase me.
i assume we are done, learning experiences, i am a teenager, i have my whole life ahead of me... i do deserve better, and i can definitely work on myself a bit, but i'm only human.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Only a little bit, my friend :) .
Only for making the usual mistake that everybody of us does : catching a leopard, then tryng to hold it by its tail whle you cancel its spots with an eraser. It's a frustrating, painful procedure- nothings gets accomplished and you get all scratched and clawed up in the process.
Thank you for adding so many details , that actually change my view on the situation.
I think the problem is not the summer job. It seems that you are two very different people who want very different things from this relationship.
It's the syndrome of " I love you , you are perfect, now change " : you fell in love with her because she IS the way she is - flirty,sexy,bubbly,outgoing,headstrong etc.etc.- and now you find out that you have bitten more than you can chew.
Frankly, you don't seem having very compatible personalities, you really need to be sincere with yourself and ask yourself if your feelings are based upon love, or just infatuation and hormones.
Then, you seem surprised that she is not ready to commit, but , at 16 , it's hardly surprising. Maybe more often it's the other way around, with the guy who wants to have fun with his friends and the girl who wants him more domesticated, but the opposite too is not strange. She is NOT ready for coupledom , and for putting you at the center of her life. She may like you, but she also wants to party, and dance, and flirt , and hang out with her girls , etc.etc. If she can fit also a boyfriend in the middle of this social turmoil, great ; otherwise, something's gotta give, and it will probably be you.
You are , relationshipwise, quite a few steps ahead of her, hence all the frustration.
What can you do ? Not much. It's nobody's fault, probably what got you together is some superficial attraction ( hey, nobody is scolding you, you are 16 or 17 , so that's how it goes normally ! ) and it's no glue enough to keep things together. You simply are at different stages - it's normal that you want to spend a romantic dinner-and-dance evening alone with your girl..... and it's also normal that she is more enticed by a fun evening with the whole gang of friends.
If you think it's worth to make it work, you'll just to have to give her the space she asked you. She obviously feels you are crowding her, and laying guilt trips on her, and she does not like it. Is she right, is she wrong ? Look, it's not being right that makes relationships last, it's being able to get along. Maybe this 2 months separation will just give you both a welcome break from arguments, and the mental space and clarity to find a workable compromise between her wildness and your clinginess .
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123 +, writes (9 May 2011):
Partyboy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it makes sense that she wants to go there and everything, like she has the opportunity to work etc.. i respect that.. but the other problems where she puts her friends before me, not allowing me to see her when one of her friends is around(a girl who tried to break us up and who told my girlfriend that i thought she was fat and stuff, and that i didn't like her clothes.. all lies to try and break us apart), making smart remarks to things i say, like calling me stupid if i did't bring my computer to school because i didn't need it, calling me a goof, calling me "kid", or "buddy".. when she goes to this place (every summer, and periodically throughout the year), she likes to party with her friends... whom all smoke and do drugs, and get absolutely smashed (wasted, drunk, whatever)... whilst she is not generally like this, i don't trust any of those people and i don't think its fair, or right, for her to go without me and socialize like that (she can be a big flirt; smiles a lot, high fives, makes cute jokes, asks a lot of questions, and she is downright sexy and pretty)... she thinks i'm selfish for not agreeing and not wanting her to go to the parties, which i think is quite unfair to me, i told her she can easily see them other times (she says its easier to see them at the parties). Asking her to sleep over after a $80.00 fun night for the two of us to get dressed up, eat dinner and dance, only to get her reaction of, "can i see what my friends are doing first?"... also, trying to make plans with her for 3 weeks to see a movie, then all of a sudden she is having a girls movie night and i cannot go... Totally neglecting me in front of her friends... its like she likes me when she feels like it, and we only hangout on weekends - and only one day of the weekend, because she is a procrastinator with her homework and takes all day to do simple stuff that takes an hour (and half the time she doesn't even get her homework done, or start it at a decent hour).. i see her at school on the lunch time break, thats about it... so i barely get to see her... its like she is afraid of commitment. at school when the bell rings, she looks at me, says talk to you later, then walks away (doesn't try and hug me or kiss me, nothing but a smirk)
Today, she pulled the, "i'm so confused, i feel like i want this to work, but you don't" card on me... i was like wow i was just so hurt by how you treat me and how you turn it on me etc., and then she asked for some space because she needs to figure things out. I told her we should take a break, for about a week.. just to figure out stuff, and see if we really do belong together... since she asked for the space, i thought i would just give it to her... its like i am banging my head against a brick wall with her, if she doesn't get her way, she is mad at me, and when she gets her way she is all lovey dovey, but i am mad.. we don't see eye to eye on much, we argue all the time, fights break out every month and nothing really gets solved, it usually her saying its all her fault, then telling me its all my fault, and that i treat her like shit, whilst its her who treats me like shit then i call her out and she feels like its my fault.
she says sorry for everything (doesn't even mean it obviously), and when shes mad, i know it, because she won't even talk to me, or try and fix things... if she really wanted this to work, she wouldn't be asking for space or saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not.
she makes plans with me then cancels them (even though i am driving and halfway to her house sometimes) because she is too busy or her mom says she needs to do stuff, then we talk later on in the day and she didn't do them until way later ( like 6 or 7 pm)...
if i don't text her or go see her at school, she gets angry, and thinks i'm mad at her. which i am not, i was just seeing if she would come and find me or text me, then she makes excuses of why she couldn't, or lies about it.
if she doesn't text me, i don't worry about it, and i just brush it off, and if i say, "hey:) give me a call when your done your homework, we can chat for a bit", she says ok, then texts me later on saying she was too busy, or that she is tired and has a headache and is just going to bed.
she has lied to me before, she lied to me today, saying that she was studying and i couldn't see her, but when i found her she was talking with a bunch of people and laughing etc. about some stupid thing. she told me she was going to a girls night party, whilst the party was a 200 person house party, and they were going to pre-drink at some girls house then go to the party, she told me her friends told her it was a girls night.
its like she has excuses for everything.. like the job this summer, she cannot get one here because: she doesn't speak french (in an english town), she doesn't have a ride(job offerings about 20 mins walk, 5 mins bike ride from her house), she wants to see her friends that are 2 years older than her that are leaving her old home town..
she cannot face her problems, she cries and runs away and tries to put them behind her, or turns the tables on me to excuse herself. I am not going to lie, i think the partying thing with her friends that i don't know is stupid and i don't want her going without me, and i blow up about things like how she puts her friends first, neglects me in front of her friends... but can you blame me?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 May 2011):
I make allowances because you give your age as 16-17, and I suppose that at this age you can't reason differently but... oh please. If you want to work it out, work it out. Minus the drama and the ego trips.
Much ado for nothing.
She is gonna be away for 60 days. For work and not for fun. During which you are gonna meet up 4 times, and you can text or call as much as you want. You have only been together 5 months. And this ( temporary ) separation was foreseen, even if not confirmed ,since a long time.
Man up, and stop being such a drama queen. Stop guilt tripping her and making her miserable, that's why she says and feels she is selfish, but she is not. You are the selfish, " me me me " one.
She'll miss you too, but she is more rational and level headed , she realizes it ONLY 60 days, 60 days in your young life is NOTHING, and in a solid relationship all this bellyaching is ridicolous, it's a hurdle you can overcome together. It's not the end of the world, - and easy for you to say she is selfish, maybe she needs the money or anyway she does not see the reason to pass up this money making opportunity, are you gonna give her the money she would loose if she stays at home ? No ?. So. I rest my case.
Yeah, I get it that your ego would have been boosted if she had got all teary eyed and devastated and oh I am gonna die without you. Guess what ? instead she's a sensible, rational girls that knows when it's time to let emotions run wild, and when it's not. Count your blessings !
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