A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years, and married for the past 4 months. Our relationship has been a not so normal one, we got engaged after 4 months of being together. He always wanted a family and never had a chance to have one, while I already had 2 children from a previous relationship. He accepted my children as his own (their father is not in the picture) we found out I was pregnant a month after getting engaged and then everything sorta fell apart.I still to this day have no idea what happened but early in to the pregnancy he stopped being intimate with me and it did hurt me alot. This kept going on well through out the pregnancy and then over the following year. I begged an cried and pleaded with him to just tell me why and he had no answers for me, this led me to take matters into my own hands and I became used to this lifestyle. We decided on a date to finally get married (I still completely loved him despite the no affection) and it was set for June. I started working again and a relative of mine introduced me to this guy (we will call him X) X seemed like a nice guy and I had all intentions of just being a friend, but he startet trying to break down my wall and he ended up being someone that I could talk to about the hardships of my relationship. I suppose he took advantage of this and I started believing that I needed to be sure that I really did want to marry and spend the rest of my life with my fiance. 10 days before the wedding I went out and ended up seeing X, we hung out and then one thing led to another and we had sex. Meaningless mindless sex, I honestly couldnt even tell you details because all I could think about was how much I do love my fiance and what was I doing. After that I put it behind me I knew what wanted and that was to get married as planned and have my happy family despite the flawed sex life that we had. We got married and everything was great.Long story short my family member( who set me and X up) got drunk one night and got mad at me, he told my Husband EVERYTHING about 2 weeks after the wedding. Ruined everything (I ruined everything). My husband was fine at first but then he started thinking about thing and demanded details, and times, and feelings, and the big question "why".I have no answer to why, iv always said I have no regrets in life but this is the one thing that I totally regret. 4 months later and our marriage is failing slowly but surely. All I want is to make him happy take away the pain that I caused, I just want to turn back time and re do it all. What can I do to fix this (if anything can be done) My husband refuses a counselor or any outside help.Thanks for reading my novel =]
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drunk, engaged, fiance, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Oh, I agree -- his actions contributed, no doubt about it. If he wasn't prepared to show you affection, he should have asked himself if he was really ready to get married, should have asked himself if he was being fair to you; he owed you an explanation regardless. How he can expect to have a decent relationship when he won't talk about something so basic is beyond me.
I wasn't trying to be one-sided. Rather, I was trying to stick to your question, "what can I do to fix this?" My thinking was that what *you* could do was give him a more comprehensive answer than "I don't know." The more global question, how can your marriage be saved, needs him to be an active participant in trying to fix things, no doubt about it.
Some people can live without affection. My suspicion is that you're not really one of them. He has an unresolved and unspoken issue, perhaps something to do with the pregnancy, that made him close down. Finding out what that was would give you a better chance at fixing things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk yes I know that I did the worse thing possible, but for all of that what what he did to me not wrong either? For two years I hung on everything waiting for him, and no leaving him was not an option because that was the only flaw and sex is not every thing but the lack of affection and compassion completely changed how I felt. I did not cheat because I wanted to have sex I cheated because at that moment it was my best option (not saying it is the best thing by no means)
The bottom line is WE BOTH messed up and now WE BOTH are paying for OUR mistakes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Obviously what you did was wrong and your DH's reactions are expected and normal. The price need to be paid for your actions. you and he both are under pains for one mistake.
only time can heal it up. soem how you need to keep assuring him for the same thing and do not give him any opportunity for this incident to remember. But it will keep coming for some time. Only option you have is keep trying and keep reassuring. it will take many years for any normal faithful husband to forget this.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (4 October 2010):
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation.
The only thing I can suggest is to search for a satisfactory answer to "why?" It's easy to say "I don't know", but as you've already learned, that's not helping him. X met a need, or you wouldn't have succumbed to the temptation. Your fiance's withdrawl of affection must be a big part of that. Is there more to it?
Your husband needs to be confident that he understands why this happened, that you understand why it happened. Without that, how can he feel assured that it won't happen again?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2010):
 If your husband won't seek help then all you can do is prepare for the worst and ride out the storm. What you did in the past was foolish (the cheating AND going ahead and marrying someone who wasn't affectionate) but it is in the past and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. It's up to your husband so just look after yourself and the kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your inspiration, im not very religious but I have found a faith in me to keep working at it and staying strong for both of us. I refuse to let this get in the way of my families happiness =]
Again thanks so much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): I have been in a somewhat similar position. I don't know what you're views on religion or God are but I'll tell you what got me through it. My husband refused counceling and didn't go to church. So I took steps to heal myself first and he slowly but surely followed. I saw my pastor and received marriage counceling and personal life counceling from him. I put what I was learning into practice at home in my marriage regardless of what my husband did or said. I swallowed my pride and continued to pray and work on bettering myself with God. After a few months (again slowly) he started changing. He followed my steps and began working on himself. Then he started attending the counceling with me - mainly out of curiosity but it got him there. I'm not saying it fixed everything, but it helps. And we're building everything back up better than we had it before. Even though I know he and God both have forgiven me, I still sometimes remeber what I did and feel a twinge of pain. But I look at it as a good thing now. It will keep me from making the same mistake again!I hope it helps and that things will get better for you two. Try to work it out anyway you can. You guys made a commitment to each other, so just try to hold up your end and keep praying!
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