A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,I’ll keep this as short as possible.Basically had a bit of a disagreement with my GF of almost a year yesterday. We went to a supermarket to grab some things and she asked if we should swing by a McDonald’s on the way back. I said yeah as I was hungry.We finished shopping and went to set off for food and she said ‘Do you want to go somewhere else for food?’ So I replied saying I thought we agreed on McDonald’s? She said I was just asking where you wanted to go and I said just drive to McDonald’s. She then asked why I was being pissy with her.I didn’t raise my voice at all, didn’t swear, no name calling although I’ll admit it was in a snappy fashion. That was the end of that. We got home, ate, watched some tv, didn’t really speak. I messaged her after I finished work the following day. Was making conversation and wasn’t getting much back so I knew she was pissed off. Asked her what was wrong, she said think about it. I replied saying just tell me let’s not play silly games. So she said are you really that stupid? Then mentioned we didn’t speak after we got back.I said well it’s over now, we’re speaking here so why dwell on it? She said I spoke to her like shit, which I disagreed with. If I spoke to her in such a terrible manner I would have apologised immediately and admitted my wrong doing, but I really don’t think that I did. We had a little back and forth, she has a friend who the guy she’s seeing truly does speak to her like shit, swears at her, calls her names and such. I said that is speaking to someone like shit and I would never do such a thing and she was adamant that I spoke to her in a nasty way. I said okay let’s have a chat in person to which she declined as she was watching television. So I just so okay whatever and she said she will meet me tomorrow to speak. Surely it can’t be that high on her priorities to sort if she would rather watch television? This is the first real argument we’ve had to date. There have been a few down spells where she’s complained saying I’m not sensitive enough which I am trying to work on and think I’m getting better. But what do I do in a situation like this? I want to defuse the situation but I don’t feel like I’m wrong here. I didn’t speak to her like shit, if I did I would hold my hands up and apologise. I don’t want to apologise for the sake of it and show that I will bend at her demands. She has said in the past that she’s not met anyone like me before as her previous partners have basically been pushovers and that’s not me at all. How do you think I should approach this meeting tomorrow? As I said I want to move on from this. We’ve recently been discussing saving for a house together and don’t really want little niggling issues like this to rear their head over minor things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the update.
I’ll take that on board, an interesting read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"I still stand by all my previous advice."
"Stay calm, don't lose-it over petty matters."
Post Script:
She was "taming the beast." Gave you a little scare, and apparently it worked!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2018): She may have overreacted because she wants to prolong the honeymoon phase just as I previously mentioned. As I said, you can't be sweet and sappy all the time.
I don't recommend people to go into too much detail about past relationships. Toss your baggage, and let the past stay in the past. I always think it's best to start from a clean slate.
There is an exception to what I mentioned above. Before agreeing to a committed-relationship it's important to inform people if you are being treated for mental-illness, on prescribed psychotic meds, or if you are under therapy for PTSD or other illnesses. You have no right to hide these things from people. We all have past-issues and dilemmas we had to overcome, and some leave scars. We don't always associate where they came from, sometimes they are just there.
I think she just didn't like you getting snappy, and being pinned-up in a vehicle it tends to amplify the tension. I know, because it's happened to me where we were recently lost on the way to a concert. I mentioned to my partner that we were approaching our exit. Engaged in conversation, he ignored me, and passed it. There was no other exit for quite a few miles; and because there was extensive road-construction, GPS kept re-calibrating incorrectly. I hate getting lost in the dark; because I get disoriented, and can't recall landmarks. We had to take dark side-roads. I got irritated, he got irritated. So you know how that goes. We went around in circles until we finally figured things out. Took a little time to shake it off. We know when to just be quiet, cool-off, and compose ourselves. It was a great concert by the way!
I still stand by my all my previous advice. Don't be whipped by drama-queen tactics, don't raise your voice at women; and watch-out for passive-aggressive behavior used for the sake of manipulation. Stay calm, don't loose it over petty matters. Count backwards in your head, open the car window for fresh air; or take a walk. If this becomes a pattern, then you know it's how she manipulates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys I appreciate it.
Wiseowl, I don’t think it boils down to abusive relationships in the past. From what she’s told me, she’s had one serious BF and a couple of short term things and she has never brought up the fact they were abusive. I may be wrong and she’s kept it under wraps though. She told me that they were boring and were on different wavelengths. So I’m not 100% on that.
So we ended up seeing each other mid week. She didn’t even bring the topic up, all seems to be forgotten about. Maybe she realised that she over reacted and let it drop? That’s the only logical thing I can think of in response to how adamant she was that I had treated her horribly.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (2 August 2018):
She is holding a grudge about something this petty that happened a year ago. I have to assume you have children together and a mortgage and maybe co own a business because those are the only reasons I can imagine still being with someone that childish.
Good luck friend because if you stay you’re going to need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2018): Two things are at play here. She wants a perfect relationship; and she's gun-shy from a previously abusive relationship.
You've been good, but relationships move from the honeymoon stage into the more mature-stage. She wants it to always be in the honeymoon-stage.
She will admonish you with pouting, and overreact as though you've done something terrible. You didn't, but you did give her a flashback. Abuse can leave deep-scars; and any situation that even slightly resembles the past, it could hit a nerve. Trigger the old trauma.
Careful! Being over-apologetic re-enforces her pouting and passive-aggressive behavior. You can't walk on eggshells, and she will get on your nerves! You'll lose it again! So when she leaves it alone, you leave it alone. Cool-down period. Even if it is to watch TV.
Tell her you didn't mean to be snappy; but you're human just like she is. You can't have endless patience; but you'll try not to be too aggressive, or snap unnecessarily. Don't make super-human promises you can't keep. She'll hold you to it.
Also ask her not to keep you on eggshells; this is an isolated-incident, and you don't want to blow it out of proportion. Nobody can go forever without hurting feelings or snapping. It's when you get unnecessarily aggressive that turns it into abuse. It's not unmanly to back-down. She's not a guy!
The easiest way to diffuse a problem is to remain calm. I didn't say ignore her, or cater to her dramatizing. Just stay calm. Keep your condescension and arrogance on mute. Be your normal polite self. Don't treat her like a child, or a burn patient. Just keep your cool until the tension subsides. Slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger.
First-fights hurt, because things were going so well. Reality stings, after being on Cloud9. People want you to always be nice, even if they can't. Being snappy is very condescending; and you make a person feel foolish or stupid. That's how her ex use to control her. Keep that in-mind. That will help you to remain cool and calm. You're not a brute.
Small situations don't justify angry reactions. Every man has to program that into our behavior-patterns. Step-away when anger can't be quickly controlled. If you're in the car, ask her to call a truce. Locked-up together with tempers rising is a no-no! Especially when driving!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): I don't think anyone likes to be spoken to in a snappy manner, but she should have talked to you about it when you offered. You admit you spoke in a snappy fashion so why don't you make it easy on yourself and apologize for snapping at her? As it stands now, the incident is being blown out of proportion by both of you being somewhat stubborn. Why ruin what sounds like a good relationship over something like this?Also, is she supposed to be grateful to you for not treating her like shit because you could be a lot worse like her friend's boyfriend? She has standards, as I'm sure you do, and her friend's problems should not even be a consideration in your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): I don't think anyone likes to be spoken to in a snappy manner, but she should have talked to you about it when you offered.
You admit you spoke in a snappy fashion so why don't you make it easy on yourself and apologize for snapping at her? As it stands now, the incident is being blown out of proportion by both of you being somewhat stubborn. Why ruin what sounds like a good relationship over something like this?
Also, is she supposed to be grateful to you for not treating her like shit because you could be a lot worse like her friend's boyfriend? She has standards, as I'm sure you do, and her friend's problems should not even be a consideration in your relationship.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 I am the most soft spoken person ever, and I find a lot of people to be irritating. I find it's impossible to change people, so have to convince myself that it's the way they talk, and they mean no harm.
You have been with her for a year. Was that the first time you got snappy?
She was dwelling on it because she cannot accept snappiness. She wants you to change how you talk, if that's possible for you. She wants you to treat her delicately, and that she's special in your life. You may not watch how you talk with mates, but you do have to be careful how you talk to her because she is sensitive.
She does not see this as a minor thing because snappiness can turn into vocal abuse. She does not want to move on from this until you can be sure that from now on you will speak gently, no matter how your mood is.
Of course this can be a compatibility issue. Some people encourage expressiveness. Just like you glossed over the fact that she asked you "Are you really that stupid?" She is also letting her friend's relationship affect her. She is being vigilant and is keeping you in check. Always looking for signs that you may be like abusive men. She may also be one of those dramatic princesses who expect that every moment in a relationship to be romantic. I think you have done enough reassuring that you will never swear at her. It's her part to be realistic about relationships, that when we get comfortable with someone, we don't watch every word we say, we let our tiredness, annoyance show in our tones. That doesn't mean we are upset with our mates. In your case you were hungry. She shouldn't have to take everything personally. She shouldn't have said "are you that stupid?" At the same time realize you got a very serious partner who abhors confrontations, and would prefer to discuss matters in a calm manner. Go back in time and tell her, "no honey, McDonalds is fine." This may feel unnatural for you if you were raised to hear snappiness. If you don't want McDonald's employees to get snappy with you if they have a stressful day or if customers take too long to order, you certainly don't want your partner to get snappy with you. Your girlfriend certainly does not see niceness as fake. She sees it as necessity.
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