A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What should I do about these problems with my boyfriend and a woman on facebook?. My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. I don't know if that is matters, but I thought I would mention that. There was a woman who was on his friend's list on facebook a while ago. He deleted her a few months ago. She wasn't the only person he deleted then. He was cleaning his friends list up, and he deleted a lot of people. Last Friday, I was on facebook, and I noticed that she had put that she liked one of my boyfriend's posts. She wasn't on his friend's list at that point. I remembered that she used to be on his friend's list when I saw that. A couple of hours later, I noticed that my boyfriend had added her back on to his page. I'm not sure who sent the friend request though. A few minutes after she was added back on, I noticed that she had put a few more likes on a few more of my boyfriend's posts, and she had commented on a couple of posts. One post was of a song. She wrote " Beautiful!. Love this song!. "Sing me a song, your voice is like silver ", and she put a smiley face after it. I thought it was strange that she posted that. I was upset because I couldn't understand why my boyfriend had added her back on again, and couldn't understand her behaviour. I had been talking to my boyfriend on facebook, and he told me that he wanted to see me later that day. I asked him what time he wanted to meet, and he said he would let me know when he was ready to meet me. I was upset when he said that ( probably because I was also upset about this woman ), so I went round to his house before he told me to. When I got there, he said, " what are you doing here ?". He seemed like he was in a bad mood ( This may have been because of his Bipolar Disorder ). I told him I was upset about this woman. Later on, he said I could look at his messages on facebook. I saw that he had written to her, saying that he had just noticed that she wasn't on his friends list anymore. I was surprised he remembered that she was on there before, as I don't think they have spoken much. He has never met her in person, but some of his friends, who he does know in person, are on her friend's list. I can't remember the rest of what he said, or what she wrote back to him, but there was nothing suspicious there. Not yet anyway!. We were both in kind of a bad mood all day after that, and I didn't hear from at all again until last night. He called me and said he knew I was worried about facebook, but that there was nothing to worry about. He also said he felt insulted that I thought he would be unfaithful to me. I said I wondered if there was anything going on. He went on facebook after he called me, but I was asleep when he sent the messages, so I didn't get them straight away. I was upset about one thing that he wrote when I saw it. He wrote " She ( The girl on facebook ) is commenting on everything I do, ha ha ha, love it ". I wasn't sure how to take that. I didn't know if he was laughing because he thought it was stupid, or because he was bragging about it. He also wrote that he loves me more than ever though, and said he couldn't wait to see me again. Should I ask him to block this woman, or to just remove her likes and comments, or should I ask him to tell her to back off because it makes me uncomfortable?. Does anyone else think that her behaviour is suspicious?. And do you think my boyfriend is bothered about this?. I love him so much, and don't want to lose him, but it's really getting me down. I've never had a problem with anyone else that my boyfriend knows before. We have been together for almost two years. It's our second anniversary in a couple of weeks, so I don't want to break up, especially now. I know that other couples have had similar problems like this on facebook. I'm also worried that my boyfriend might be enjoying the attention. I know that some men like to have an ego boost.
View related questions:
anniversary, facebook, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): He sent me a text message last night, telling me that he was making some food, and said he loves me and misses me. I'm angry that he hasn't asked me to meet up. I haven't seen him for five days, and I have only seen him twice in the last nine days. I'm keeping myself busy though. I went out with a friend last night, and I am going out with them again on Saturday. I'm not going to sit around being miserable because of him.
It might be that he wants me to just go round there. Sometimes, he has been angry that I haven't just gone round to his house. But, I don't want to do that again, as last week, he was mad because I went there unannounced.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): I know it would be better for my health if we break up, but at the moment I am still worried about what is going on with him now. If he doesn't want to be with me anymore, or he is having a bit of space, I want him to tell me that. I'm scared because I have read about other people who have had relationships with people with Bipolar Disorder, and some of their partners have left them without saying a word, and they have been devastated about their partner doing that to them.I'm not sure if I should contact his support worker yet. Maybe I should leave it a bit longer. I could also contact his psychiatric nurse. I really hope that nothing seriously bad has happened to him. If it hasn't, and he has been ignoring me on purpose, I don't know if I will continue the relationship. I can understand him not getting in touch yet if he has been arrested, or he is in hospital or something like that. We do have some lovely times together, but it is a lot of drama. I know that I have to think of my own health.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Reasons why you should not be in a relationship with this man.- Sometimes, he gets really drunk and doesn't answer the door. - Or sometimes he just ignores the door anyway, - I also hope that he hasn't been in trouble with the police again.- my boyfriend has gone mad when he has thought that other men have been interested in me.- He also told me to tell him if I am talking to other guys, whether they are attracted to me or not. -he has not contacted me for a few days, or a week, and then he has said he doesn't want to be with me, The most important indicator that you should just cut your losses is this one; 'I haven't been eating and sleeping well recently. It's difficult , because I would feel stressed and upset if we broke up, and if I stay with him.'What you mean is you are not happy with him but you are scared of being alone and not finding anyone else ever again. Well let me help you with an answer. If you stay with him you will always be stressed and not eating well. If you leave him, you will be sad and not eating well for a few months. Then you will feel alive again. Then you will meet someone else who is a better partner probably. So either face a life of this indefinitely, or rip off the bandage now which will hurt but help you move on after a while.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I have a facebook friend that I have only met once. He and I met through a mutual friend because we all play the same video game online. Anyway, somewhere in there he started taking to calling me his "massah" (master + a black joke since I'm black...idk really) and he would comment on and like just about every other thing I did on facebook. I honestly never noticed anything weird about it tho some of his comments did make me smile. I was and am married, and it wasn't until our mutual friend pointed out to me that it was getting a little weird and people were wondering if I liked this guy that I realized that from an outside perspective things could look different!Anyway, I made it a point to stop interacting with him directly i.e. never replying to his comments, and it died away. I don't think my hubby ever noticed, but then again, he's not a facebooker as much as I am. My point is, people have different sorts of boundaries, I am 99% sure this guy didn't like me, he probably didn't even know my first name (we go by gamer tags). He eventually shipped off (army) and as expected, nothing came from it. I think it's the same in ur situation. This girl may or may not like your boyfriend, but I doubt he likes her, and I think he'd be overreacting to delete or block her. I think he's doing the right thing by keeping you included and informed. Try to relax.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 YOU have not caused anything... even if you had a fight with him and he tries to blame it on you.. it's NOT your fault if he's behaving badly.
So you went to his place without an invite and he didn't answer the door and you are worried... can you call his parents?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I'm very upset and worried at the moment. I went to my boyfriend's house again today. I didn't just go there to talk about this woman. I am worried about him in general at the moment. I think he is having an episode. When I got there, the light in the living room was on , even though it wasn't dark, and I could see the kitchen light was on, as the door that leads to the kitchen was open. I could see through the front window. Also, his key wasn't in the door, which I thought was strange, as when he is in the house, he usually leaves his key in the door. I noticed there were two packets of crisps on his sofa too, which hadn't been opened. They are crisps that we both like, so I think he bought them for us. He told me that he wanted to meet up with me yesterday, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning. I'm sick with worry. Sometimes, he gets really drunk and doesn't answer the door. Or sometimes he just ignores the door anyway, or sometimes, he sleeps a lot when he is depressed. I'm not sure what to do if I don't hear from him soon. I hope I haven't caused this. I also hope that he hasn't been in trouble with the police again.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2013):
A couple of things OP
rules should be the same for both of you agreed
you are over-reacting to this.. it's FACEBOOK for goodness sake and friends even flirty friends are not an issue.
IF you trust your guy then it does not matter how much a woman wants him or throws herself at him, if he's committed to you it won't matter what she does.
as for bi-polar... you need to read up on the disorder a BAD mood is NOT due to bipolar disorder acting up and giving him a pass for a foul mood saying "he's bipolar" is like my saying my husband is not going to be held accountable for a bad mood when he's drunk.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): OP I think he thinks it's hilarious and I also think he kind of likes the fact you're jealous about it, a lot of people think jealousy is cute after all. I mean come on if you were seeing this happen to other people you think it was either funny or this girl is weird that she was liking his statuses when they weren't even friends and now that she is she's over the top with her comments.
Flirting on Facebook isn't cheating.
OP you have to very careful here, I really think you're being over the top in linking some Facebook comments to questioning your boyfriend's integrity. He's already a bit pissed off about that. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him, OP? Is he that kind of guy, has he done that kind of thing in the past?
I mean by all means discuss how uncomfortable it makes you feel but be careful not to put this on him, I wouldn't be best pleased if I was with someone they were so restrictive and paranoid that I can't even talk to other women or I have unfriend those who are a bit flirty on Facebook. Having a partner who doesn't trust you is horrible and at the end of the day if you think he will emotionally cheat with her then you don't trust him. If you somehow think he's too weak to stop it developing into something more then again you don't trust him.
OP be careful, and balance this. It's fine to discuss how uncomfortable it makes you, but to make the leap into not trusting him may put a strain on things. You may end up putting huge trust issues in your relationship over a few nonsense comments he thinks are hilarious.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I agree with the others.Nothing's happened here.And there's no reason to mistrust your boyfriend.The woman just sounds like she spends too much time on Facebook not necessarily that she wants him.Chill out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): The thing is, my boyfriend has gone mad when he has thought that other men have been interested in me. He also told me to tell him if I am talking to other guys, whether they are attracted to me or not. So, why didn't he tell me who this girl was, and that he was thinking of adding her, before he did it?. Is it one rule for him and another for me?. I don't mind him having female friends, as long as they are really just friends. I just don't want him being friends with someone who fancies him (if this woman does fancy him ). I haven't heard from my boyfriend at all since early yesterday morning. As I said, he called me late on Saturday night, and went on facebook. I was in bed when he called me, as I was just about to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling well, and had just turned my computer off, so I didn't feel like getting up again to go on the computer. He told me that he was going on facebook, but I didn't know that he was going to send me messages on there, so I went to sleep. I also missed a text from him yesterday morning. He said he had gone shopping at 5am (he does that sometimes). He might have been drinking, but I'm not sure. Sometimes he drinks a lot. He does get reclusive when he is having an episode too. In the past, sometimes he has not contacted me for a few days, or a week, and then he has said he doesn't want to be with me, and he doesn't want me to suffer him anymore. But then, later in the day, he has apologised and said that he still wants to be with me. I'm worried that he might be having doubts about us again now. I have been round to his house unannounced other times, when I have been worried because I haven't heard from him for ages, and he didn't mind me going round then. I'm not sure if I should go round there unannounced anymore though. Worrying about this woman,and his drinking and being distant with me sometimes is making me feel really stressed. I haven't been eating and sleeping well recently. It's difficult , because I would feel stressed and upset if we broke up, and if I stay with him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. It hurts.He is going through a difficult time at the moment, with his house, and with issues with his support worker. Obviously, I don't want to add to his stress, but I still feel that I need to talk things through with him.A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend was angry with me because I don't post photos of us on my timeline on facebook, and I don't " like " And comment on things that much on his page. I don't use facebook as often as I used to now, and I really only like sending messages to people on there. I don't feel that I need to show off to people on there. And, I think that what you do in real life is more important than what you post online. I worry that my boyfriend might start liking this woman because she is paying attention to him on his timeline.I hope I can talk to him soon. He doesn't always answer when I try to contact him, so I hope he will contact me soon. I'm not sure what to do if he sends a bad message again though, like saying he doesn't want to see me anymore.It's strange, because sometimes he has been angry because I haven't just gone round to his house when I haven't heard from him. He says to me that I could have just gone over there, But, I never know when I should go there. I know this might sound confusing!.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Cerberus, it's bothering me that he mentioned to me that she had put so many comments. Do you think he was bragging about it?. It has really hurt my feelings. I expected him to say that it's stupid how much she has commented on his page, and told me not to worry about it, or said that she was out of order doing that, or something like that. I didn't expect him to say " love it ". Or could he have meant " love it " as in " it's hilarious " or something?. I guess I will just have to ask him.
I think that even flirting on facebook is cheating, even if the people involved aren't having a physical affair. He might not physically cheat, but I'm worried that this could turn into an emotional affair.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): OP there is literally nothing there. His boastful comment was a bit much but seriously he's not doing anything.
You have to tryst your boyfriend can handle female attention, if you don't then you'll have to chain him to a radiator because it happens.
You're even discussing the possibility of breaking up over some over enthusiastic friend on facebook.
I have some women like that on my friends list. They're like that with everyone, and it doesn't matter how flirty they seem I'm married and they know I'm not available.
Personally I think that's why they feel safe being like that on my timeline because they know I won't confuse it for something else.
OP if your guy has done nothing to betray your trust then you should trust him, she's irrelevant because regardless of what you hear we men are capable of brushing off this kind of thing.
Don't worry about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I think you mentioned your boyfriend's bipolarity; because you have been giving him passes on behavior that doesn't seem logical, or you feel might be impulsive. Unless he is having a full-blown episode; he can still make logical decisions, and be in charge of his judgment. It just isn't that selective. Generally, his behavior would be out of balance overall, if he was falling ill. If you've known him a long time, and have witnessed his previous history of episodes; you'd know when things aren't right.He wouldn't make bad judgement calls, just regarding some particular female and nothing else. His judgement would be questionable anywhere he normally seems to have it together. If he is slipping into an episode, he wouldn't be able to hide it.People having an episode usually become paranoid and reclusive. So that's all irrelevant concerning a "like" on Facebook, and "re-friending" someone previously deleted. However; he can fixate, but you didn't describe anything more than a friendship made on Facebook. You just don't like how chummy they've become. The girl is flirty; but his responses seem pretty generic; if you ask me. "Liking" on Facebook is simply applause for something you found entertaining or agreeable. You may express your feeling she is being too chummy, and uncomfortable that his responses are too encouraging. You don't have a right to demand he delete anyone. You're the one with the insecurity here. He can't go around dismissing people based on suspicions you have. You need solid evidence there is something going on, besides posts open to public viewing.Sneaking up on him was pretty tacky. It's showing your lack of trust over a very petty issue. He will always show some small symptom of his bipolar condition; there is no cure.You don't sidestep behavior that is over the top, but behavior that just annoys you can't always be blamed on his bipolarity. Somethings are just annoying human behavior.Stupid guy stuff.It's not compulsive, he knows what he's doing. It's innocent. She's just flirting with a guy she has never met.We're depending on your interpretation of flirting.He made a conscious and deliberate decision of people he wished to delete. Not someone who is being nice to him.Any female who flirts has to be deleted? Then all he'll have is male friends. You ignore flirtation as flattery; unless it becomes too intense and personal. He can no more stop a girl from flirting on Facebook, than he can stop a guy from glancing down at your cleavage or checking out your legs. It happens to everyone all the time.Yes, a little boost to the ego is good for the self-esteem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): You are way. Way, way, way Way Overreacting. I can 99.99999999% guarantee you that it's just an acquaintance that thinks he's cute and liked his singing, which are both perfectly legitimate things to do with an acquaintance. He added her back because he thought she was a nice person and wanted to see what she was up to, not because she has a vagina. People are people and want to connect with people. I am a woman in a serious relationship that adds guys on Facebook, comments on photos/posts, likes their photos/posts, and even thinks that male acquaintances are incredibly hot, and guess what? it means nothing. Nothing. Except that I think they're nice people with interesting thoughts that make my life a little bit richer, and they have physical beauty. I also guarantee you that your reaction will turn him off of you so much more than some female acquaintance would. If you overanalyze Facebook that much, I would recommend you delete your account. You'll be happier for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2013):
 No, her "liking" his post on Facebook is NOT the end of the world, nor is it your job to tell your BF whom he can have on there as "friends". You are not his mother or the Facebook Police. Facebook "friends are not really friends anyways. IT IS FACEBOOK.
I think she might be one of those girls who "likes" and "pokes" people on Facebook because it makes her feel like she has a million friends.
UNLESS the topics or conversations turns sexual or overtly flirtatious I don't really see the big deal.
You are making a lot out of nothing. You even said there haven't been any other problems, so have a little FAITH and trust in your guy.
And yea, he is possibly enjoying the ego stroke. I bet if some guy called you pretty on Facebook you would enjoy it. Doesn't mean you would run off and cheat with the guy. Neither will your BF.
My suggestion, hide HER feeds. And trust your man.
...............................
|
