A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if anyone can help me with this. But my relationship is going downhill, and we don't know if there is anything we can do, or if we should break up. Things have been rough for a while now. We have a great time together, we laugh, we have fun, we do things together, we are both attracted to each other. As I see it, and he agrees, we're great friends, and sexually we get on extremely well. The sex has always been great, so physically there are no problems. Lately we've not had sex more than twice a month or so. This is because things have been rough, like I said. It's mainly one thing, as far as I see, but for him it's slightly different. To me it's about lacking communication, that he doesn't inform me of things. For him it's about difficulties in communication. I will give you an example, and this happened last month. It's one of the big problems we've met during the last six months. He was going away for over a week, and told me he'd be back Sunday morning at 8am, if everything went according to schedule. I asked him if he could come see me as soon as he came home, because I would miss him a lot, and he'd been so busy lately we barely had time to spend together. I asked him several times, to be sure, he would come to me straight away, as soon as possible, first thing. So what happens? Sunday arrives, and I hear nothing. I woke up early anticipating his call, nothing. Around 2pm I'm starting to worry, I call him, his phone is shut off. I'm thinking the return home from the trip didn't go as planned, I hadn't heard from him all week, and his phone was probably dead. So I wait. But at 4.30pm I still haven't heard from him, so I call a guy he went on this trip with in case his has battery on his phone and can tell me what's up. This guy informs me that they arrived home on Friday. I wont go into detail about what a state that left me in, but it was devastating to hear he'd been home two days and didn't even call me. Then, as irony will have it, he called me 40 minutes later, without a worry in the world. He didn't understand why I was upset. In his mind, we had agreed to meet on Sunday, and as it was still Sunday, everything was fine. I hope you understand why this creates a problem for us. He doesn't understand the need I have for him to contact me. He doesn't understand that he needs to let me know when he arrives back home. Or the importance of him keeping his phone on so I can at least reach him if he doesnt call me. To me, it is something so basic I don't know how to explain it to him. When I try, he sees it as me wanting him to report to me. He just doesn't understand it. And I don't understand him. Are we too different? Can we find ways to communicate our needs better? Is this worth working on? With all the great things about him, and how much we care about each other, it's a very difficult decision to make. He told me, if he had known/understood that I wanted him to call me, he would have. But somehow, it didn't get through to him and I don't know how to speak in clearer words than "come to see me the very moment you come home". In his mind that translated to "I will call, on Sunday, at some time or other".Please let me know what you think. It was his suggestion to write here, he wants to find a solution as well, we both want to try and find ways to make it work. But neither are happy the way things are. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, I think you are focusing too much on the wording and thinking it means something it doesn't. I never demanded he come see me straight away, I asked if he would, and he said yes. If he wanted to go home first to unpack, sure. I would not have minded. Remember I waited until 4.30pm before I started calling around.
The problem is that he didn't keep to the agreement. If he wanted to meet me later in the day, or even week, because he was tired, all he would have to do was tell me so. I was expecting him to be tired, I had prepared dinner for us, and was going to give him a massage and take care of him. I am upset he did not inform me of anything at all. He could have told me he came back early, and he could have told me what time he'd be around my place. As by Saturday night he knows he will sleep in and thereby also knows he will not meet me in the morning on Sunday. To me, it is being polite, to inform your partner of a change in plans.
We have agreed that I will stop informing him of my plans, as a test to see if he will miss the information. At least then we're doing something, while thinking of other options. Maybe it is down to maturity, but he is 27. If he is not mature enough at this age, he probably never will be.
The last respondent is right to say he should be available. Not because I want to call him constantly, but because he can't just disappear like that. I was also thinking that I can not have a future with him, and have children with him, if he just disappears without a word. It's not responsible. I might get notified if something happened to him, but he would not be notified if something happened to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): I'll weigh in from a different perspective.I've been in a relationship for 3 years and no three days have gone by with not so much as a text. We both travel a lot - separately, different time zones and everything! So in my view, it's not asking for much to check in regularly and say hello to your partner. That's the whole point of being in a relationship right? To have someone to share your life with.No you don't have to be joined nor should you waiver your individual interests (space etc.) But in a longterm relationship with someone you intend to spend forever with, it is worrying that he does not see the need to be available. If you get married, he will be family. He will be the person the hospital / the police call if anything ever happens to you. He will be the parent that the school reaches out to if there's ever an emergency. He will be your next of kin, as such, he should be there and available for you.That's not to say that he should drop whatever it is he is doing when you ask. That is to say that you should be able to leave a message and he should be able to see it and respond to it as he deems appropriate. He needs to mature and realise that as an adult, you have people around you - family who may need you unexpectedly and it's always good to check for messages and respond to them quickly if need be.In this case, no he did not need to come and see you straight away on sunday. But in my mind, it's obvious that he should tell you that he's back in town. Not because he owes it to you, but because it's part of his day. It can be a quick, 'hi hun, got back early. Exhausted! - looking forward to seeing you sunday'
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Op, your follow up (thank you for that by the way) gives a very different impression from the one you first left me with. I don't know if you weren't clear or I misunderstood or it was some combination of the two.
In your original post you said he expected to return from his trip at around 8am on Sunday morning and that you'd asked him 'several times' to 'come and see you first thing' because you had been missing him. You even got up early to receive his call. I understood that to mean he was to visit you before even going home, unpacking and settling in. THAT is unreasonable.
But now you make it sound as though you just wanted him to give you a quick call to let you know he'd arrived safely. That IS reasonable but not mandatory.
I also think expecting someone to keep their phone on so they can be reached at all times is unreasonable.
OP, for whatever reason your boyfriends seems to need space, perhaps more than usual, so I say give it to him. I know it's tempting to want to cling tighter, but you've got to resist that. Surely you have other things to do with your time and other friends to see, hobbies to pursue, errands to run.
If he thinks you're constantly thinking about him and chasing him he won't need to chase you. He doesn't need to worry because you're doing all the worrying for both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sorry for the late reply. To answer some questions, he did message me on the first two days of the trip. Then his phone died. When he got back he spent the first night at his friends (who I called) because it was late. They still had work on Saturday, and he was done working at around 10pm. He then went home, played computer games until around 2am. Then went to sleep, with his phone still shut off so impossible to reach him. Then he woke up around 4pm on Sunday. Then called me around 5pm, as said before.
I dont see it as controlling at all to want a message when ge is home and to know that he will be meeting me late on Sunday. He just left me waiting... But the responses I have gotten are just as far apart as his and my thoughts on the matter. I googled spontaneous and planner, and learned this is a typical problem/viewpoints for spontaneous people versus planners. The first two responders are probably planners like me. While the last is spontaneous, because the words used are identical to what my boyfriend says.
Thank you for the responses. We will continue to search for a middle ground.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 December 2013):
Whether it's for business or pleasure travelling can be exhausting. Most people look forward to finally getting home, settling in and getting things in order when they return. Others understand this and tend to give the traveller whatever time and space they need to do that. I don’t know why you didn’t.
By imposing your unreasonable expectations you turned what should have been a fond reunion into an assignment. And when your boyfriend didn’t comply, you decided to hunt him down. Don’t tell me you were worried. That’s rubbish. If there had been some kind of accident you’d have been notified by his family or by his travelling companions. This was about control.
You need oxygen to survive. You need water, food and shelter. You do not need your boyfriend or anyone else to report to you on their comings and goings. Your boyfriend understands perfectly.
Then there are the repeated requests for a relationship talk. OP, no matter who it comes from it always means the same thing: 'I'm not happy therefore you must be doing something wrong. I expect you to give me your undivided attention while I launch into a litany of complaints and how they make me feel so that you will correct your mistakes and do what I want you to do so I can be happy.' That's what 'talk about the relationship' really means which is why your boyfriend isn't in any rush to comply.
You asked for our opinions so here is mine. I find your expectations unreasonable and your approach overbearing and inflexible.
Being in a relationship does not mean we exist only for our partners. If you want to have healthy connections with others you must learn to recognize where you end and someone else begins. Your boyfriend needs, not just wants, but NEEDS his personal space. He needs freedom and he needs to be able to consider not just what you want, but what is also good for him and to make decisions for himself without having to explain them all to you. He needs to be your partner, not your security blanket.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 Your man is one SAAVY dude!!!! Suggesting that you post on this site is a stroke of genious! By doing so, he believed that he would divert your attention to the Aunts' and Uncles' replies.... and that that would obsfuscate matters sufficiently that he would have his "out" for his unacceptable behaviour....
What YOU need to recognize are these critical details of what you've told us:
1. He failed to arrive when he said he would,
2. YOU are giving him a "pass".... justifying that his phone battery MUST have failed, and he couldn't rectify that.
3. You contacted a friend of his... and learned about his Friday return.
4. Shortly thereafter, HE called YOU. Coincidence? SURE... And, by the way, I have a house lot available, here in Florida. It's very affordable.... but you'll have to come see it at low tide....
I suggest that you chalk up your "relationship" with this guy as "over." This incident is the culmination of his becoming bolder and bolder at not giving a darn about you... and you making excuses for his inappropriate behaviour....
But, back to his having you post..... BRILLIANT...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 December 2013):
 Did you ask what he did then when he got home? I am guessing the rough patch is that one of you wants to marry and the other doesn't.
I see that he did not call once during the trip. Am I right? A simple, "I got to city X. Good night," or "I got home safe." is very easy and a common thing that couples do.
This is obviously NOT a miscommunication. He's playing dumb and delaying an important conversation about the status of the relationship. Not to attack his character here.
You are hoping this is a misunderstanding which is a smaller issue than what's in your face, which is your partner being so withdrawn. And I bet that rough patch two months ago had to do with this. His suggestion for you to ask for general advice did not fool me. This is not about a man woman issue being man wants freedom, space and woman wants reassurance. He lied about what time he's getting home and pretended he didn't know why you are upset. Your focus right now is the difference of communication styles but this is not the real problem but rather a distraction. Don't contact him. If he wants to hang out with you then he has to make the call. No more talking around in circles. If he seems disinterested in you when you go on dates then simply stop going out with him. Yes, that means break up. The only way to make it work is for him to put in more effort. You've done enough to show him you love him. He needs to step up or get out so he won't waste your time.
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