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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: OK, here’s the rundown. I am a very insecure and jealous person. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember and while I’m able to function normally in society (hold a job and progress in it, have normal, fulfilling friendships), I’m allowing these qualities to destroy the otherwise wonderful relationship I have with my boyfriend of nearly two years. About six months ago, we hit a rough spot along the road when I lost a bit of trust in him. What did he do? He went out and had a good time (no cheating) with his childhood friends while I was out of town. I realize that this loss of trust was totally unjustified on my end, but I felt as though he acted disrespectfully towards me, and he’s been feeling my wrath ever since, though it’s tapered off quite a bit. During this period, I demanded that he reveal everything to me about his past relationships, which is the biggest mistake I’ve made to date with him, because he told me everything, and I couldn’t handle it and still can’t. Now, his ex girlfriend haunts me. She is in my thoughts constantly, and I mean, CONSTANTLY. I can barely go 10 minutes without thinking about her; how we’re different, how we’re similar; if he prefers her curvaceous body to my thin, athletic build; if he enjoyed the time he spent with her more than the time he spends with me, etc. I do this all in an attempt to decipher whether he’s capable of leaving me to be with her, even though their relationship ended almost 3 years ago, and they haven’t spoken since. I see her picture, the way she does her makeup, the clothes she wears and can’t help but notice how completely different we are. I’m a very low maintenance woman. I don’t tend to my appearance the way she does, but do put some effort into looking nice. My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage a lot recently and might even tie the knot in a civil ceremony this year. But one pitfall I want to avoid is marrying him in the hopes that these insecurities will disappear the moment we’re legally bound to each other – because I know they won’t. I so desperately want to go back to how we were before this mess began, before I lost my mind to paranoia. Ugh, and the ex’s name is Katie. Every time I hear that name, I cringe. For example, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie last night in which the heroine’s name was Katie. This ruined the movie for me because it made me wonder whether he was thinking of his ex throughout it. Also, the two of them vacationed in the city where we currently live. I hate knowing that he’s been there and done that with her here, in the city where WE met and started our life together.Please, someone help. I’ve already been to a therapist, but that didn’t go so well. Any advice on how to chill out and just enjoy what I have? I’m literally living in someone else’s past and am seeing things not as they actually were, but through skewed lenses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Im feeling the same way..its taking over my life and my relationship. Does anyone know how I can overcome it. It looks like we are all going through the same thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): I feel your pain completely , honestly though , If you truly love this person you should try to forget. He chose you over them, and its obvious that you're the better choice , he didn't like his ex as much as he likes you and that's all that matters. when my boyfriend's past ex's start to get to me I just imagine me with my boyfriend and him telling me he loves me. It seems to work, then I just try to go to sleep because when I wake up I feel better. You definitely should tell your boyfriend about this though because he can probably say a lot more then I can about it, my boyfriend just tells me how unhappy he was with other girls. It makes me feel a lot better. best of luck !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): i stumbled across this while looking for some help with a similar problem. the first thing i want to say is that this issue is not at all limited to women. i'm a young man and while i absolutely adore the woman i am with, unfortunately indulging in her past is a terrible habit of mine as well.
the second thing i would like to say is that although there is NO positive advice or help our there, this discussion has been more helpful than anything simply because it is a relief to feel as if i'm not alone.
it's just awful to have the feelings that we have isn't it? and the worst part is not how we feel, but how our selfishness is taking away from the ones we love. i know it's hard. believe me, i do. i have no idea what my future has in store at this point, but what i do know is that i am crazy about my girl. all i can offer in terms of advice or comfort to you, is that YOU are not alone. and when i'm feeling particularly down, i remind myself that when you're truly in love, you put yourself after that special person. my feelings aside, i have to be the person she deserves. after all, we are all only human.
the two of us recently watched a movie together. it was invictus; the story about nelson mandela. one phrase really hit home with me during the movie and i've tried to repeat them each day. i hope it can help you on your journey too. it was "forgiveness liberates the soul."
i wish you all the best. sincerely. and i pray that we can all overcome our personal demons, and express our love as we want to, rather than punish our loved ones, and ultimately ourselves. be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): I really feel for all of you as jealousy of my husbands past relationships is ruling my life too. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he is the most trustworthy person I know but, my mind just gets out of control thinking of his past. I too constantly compare myself to his exes by looking them up on facebook and trying to track their lives. If the person is better looking than me I get jealous if they aren't very attractive I also get jealous thinking they must have a great personality. My husband recently took a new job and we are being transferred. We are moving to a place near where he used to live when he was younger. While he was there he was married for a few years and casually dated a few other women after he was divorced. I am in agony moving there because all I can think about is him having fun with these other women, places they went together that we may end up going to. It makes me sick. I get nervous that moving there will bring up old memories from his past and he will miss the old carefree life he once had. We are both 30 now and have settled down and have a two year old. We don't have the freedom or money that we once had in order to go out and have fun all the time. I just get worried that he will regret settling down, I feel like I'm constantly trying to live up to what these women have based on a pre-conceived notion I have about them. It has become exhausting. I also constantly ask him questions and feel like I need to know every detail about his past, I then feel worse, but if I don't ask I just make up all sorts of scenarios in my head. When I read all this I sound crazy to myself and I feel sorry for my husband because he is such a good guy. I just can't control my emotions even though I know they are bogus.
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female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I want to help you, as I am someone who has, and still does, suffered from this same type of jealousy for months. The difference between you and I is: he mentioned his ex a lot without any prompt from me when we first started dating. If you would like to read my past posts, go to this link: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-his-ex-all-that-i-see.html. You will see that you are not AT ALL alone in this situation.
I've been obsessing over my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend now for about eight or nine months. It's lessened, I'll admit, but it has not completely gone away. Although I wish it would. If I typed out my complete story on here, it would take forever, but if you would like to read my post and message me, I would be happy to give you any advice that I can. I've been in a far worse place than you have, though, believe me. I've researched everything about this girl that there is to know. I know where she works, where she lives, her phone number, her birthday, the day she broke up with my boyfriend, etc. It's extremely creepy... But it's what I've become. I hope things work out for you, My Dear.
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female
reader, inspired22 +, writes (9 June 2010):
oh my goodness I feel the same way... but It was because me and my..ex were bestfriends for a while and he would tell me everything...then when we started dating he would leave me to go to her then leave her to go to me...he hasnt talk to her in a year but ahhh!! I kept thinking he will go back..its a scary feeling and wondering if shes better or did things better or loved her more...it sucks I feel your pain darling..but I started to think positive..Like hes with me and if he wanted to be with her than he would be but he wasnt he was with me.So maybe you could try that :)ohh but that whole name thing and how you cringe..im still that way....yikes..haha ive never heard anyone else say that..I feel a little better lol.Im sorry you have to go through that...I dont wise that on anyone...but he sounds like an awesome trust worthy guy..dont push him away hun. You gotta try to cope :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Thank you so much, Prion.
It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only person out there who has experienced anxiety over the apparitions of a past relationship. I’m breathing life into my worst fears by obsessing over my boyfriend’s ex. I know I am. The more I think about her and the more questions I ask, the more he reflects on their relationship, which is definitely something I don’t want. By bringing her up in conversation, I’m not allowing him (or myself) the opportunity to move on from this relationship, which is what I want more than anything. It’s funny, but I have always had this. Before we hit that bump in the road, he never spoke about her. It’s only because I forced him to divulge the details of their relationship that he ever said anything. He tells me constantly that she’s someone from his past who means absolutely nothing to him; that he forgets her name/what she looks like. He says that if he ever went back to her, which is impossible, she would be a major downgrade from me. I know he’s right, but my lack of self-esteem/confidence gets the better of me, especially when I see current pictures of her on facebook (which I should stop looking at). I will definitely follow your tips and hopefully free myself of this obsession before it truly gets out of hand and destroys my relationship. I mean, I’m a few weeks away from getting an engagement ring from him! Obviously, I’m the one he wants, not only now, but for the rest of his life!
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